Neptune Online

Dick's Picks Volume One

2007-10-09T20:04:34Z

Dear Losers Who Still Check This Site For Updates,

Looks like you hit the jackpot.

No, I am not finally posting that celebrity sex tape starring me and a certain washed up pop star--you have to come to the Neptune Grand Penthouse if you wanna see that--I have proof that your favorite Editor-in-Chief hangs out with elementary school chicks.

My roommate and my ex-sister-in-law are pen pals. Isn't that precious?

Click the cut if you want to laugh your ass off.

~ Dick

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

I don't know if you do this any more but I'm asking you a question anyway. If you liked a guy for like ever and then you thought it would never happen... and then now it's happening what do you do??? Are you two timing that blonde chick?!?!

-It's happening to me

Dear It's happening to me,

If you're sure he's not just setting you up or leading you on (the old guy-pretends-to-like-girl-back-so-that-he-can-humiliate-her is a classic story that pops up in several teen films I've recently been forced to watch by a 'love expert') then you have two choices and both end the same way. You can:

a) run far, far away as quickly as you can; or
b) attempt to have an honest and committed relationship with them. I say attempt because the collapse of this foolish exercise is inevitable and will have you running far, far away.

As for the blond chick, you're gonna have to be a lot more specific. There are too many for me to keep track of.

--Logan

Ask ~~Logan~~ Heather
by Heather Button

Hi It's happening to me!

Logan's advice was like, totally terrible but you should know that he's just been through a really bad break-up so he's not the biggest fan of love right now. I'm helping him out though.

Anyway, what you should do is this:

-Go out on totally romantic dates to the movies or dinner at a fancy restaurant and then walk along the beach under the moonlight.
-Hold hands all the time. Seriously. And make eye contact when they're talking so they know you're listening. Communication is soo important.
-Don't be scared! You like him, he likes you and that's all you need no matter what some people say.

And Logan is definitely not cheating on Veronica. Veronica, if you're reading this, Logan TOTALLY loves you and wants to get back together!

Good luck, It's happening to me!

Love, Heather

Dear Heather,

1) You can't cheat on somebody if you're broken up with them.
2) Shut up.

-- Logan

P.S. You can forget about coming over for Mario Kart this weekend.

Dear Logan,

1) It will still feel like cheating. Remember when we watched Gilmore Girls and TV Logan slept with ALL the bridesmaids when he and Rory were 'broken up' but she still felt betrayed and though she said that she had forgiven him, she really hadn't and was all cold towards him and they only got back together for real when he was in the hospital!

2) You can't make me :-P

Love, Heather

P.S. I AM coming over but because you were mean we're going to be watching The Notebook. Again.

Dear Heather,

1) Your analogy is tragically flawed. It only feels like cheating if the woman in question is not a ravenous alien vampire with a hive mind connecting her to countless more of her hideous, blond ilk. If the only reason you fled to the comfort of someone else's arms (etc.), is because she sucked the soul and life out of you, leaving you a broken, shriveled husk of a man fit only to be taken out behind the barn and shot like a sad, incontinent old dog -- then who cares if you huwt her feewings? The sensible course of action is to pick up your P90 and exterminate her for the good of the Pegasus Galaxy. And keep shooting, until you're certain she's really dead.

2) Okay, I'm sorry about that part. Forgive me? Or, do I have to wind up in the hospital, first?

Logan

P.S. We're watching a Stargate: Atlantis marathon. You'll thank me.

Dear Logan,

1) Are you comparing Veronica to an alien? Because girls really don't like that unless it's that Aeryn chick from that show with the muppets you made me watch last week. Or the blond robot girl from Battlestar the week before that.

2) I will forgive you only if the following conditions are met:
-I get to eat an entire tub of Triple Chocolate Fudge Ice cream all by myself!
-World peace.

Love, Heather

P.S. This is going to be another stupid show about aliens isn't it? Why can't we watch something fun with normal people in it? I think you would really like Grey's Anatomy if you just gave it a chance.

Dear Heather,

Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore. We're supposed to be helping some girl with some stupid problem -- actually, I, the Advice Guru, am supposed to be helping her with whatever desperate insanity drove her to me for advice.

I am not getting back together with Veronica, and that's final. Sometimes people just break up because one of them doesn't care, and the other one has to join the French Foreign Legion, or open a gin joint in Morocco. Of course, you can never really be safe. Eventually, she will track you down and crush you yet again.

Trust your wise Advice Guru, who knows these things, just like he knows he will be holding your hair later, while you miserably puke up that entire tub of Triple Chocolate Fudge ice cream.

Love, Logan

P.S. I'm working on the world peace. Let's compromise. Spongebob?

Dear Logan,

All I'm asking is that you give helpful advice to people. And when you don't, I see it as my duty as Assistant ~~to the~~ Advice Guru to help you out. But I'll try to stay out of your column - I'll save all my advice for you because you really need it!

And fine, I get that you and Veronica are not getting back together...this week. But I was using you computer to talk to your friend Gia, and she said that you and Veronica have a loooong history of breaking up for good and then making up.

The ice cream wouldn't make me sick. It's ICE CREAM.

Love, Heather

P.S. Yes!!!! ;-)

Dear Heather,

What I would really like is for you to stay off my computer. Okay, sure. You got bored while I was passed out last weekend. Totally understandable. I realized that as soon as I looked in the bathroom mirror and discovered your Sharpie art project. My classmates in Economics enjoyed the giant "I ♥ Heather!!!" tattoo on my bicep. Excellent work, especially the unicorns.

Anyway, my point is -- okay, now I forgot what my point was. Thanks a lot. Furthermore, I'm a little hazy on how I got saddled with this "Advice Guru" gig in the first place. I mean, seriously. Nobody wants helpful advice if they're asking Logan Echolls. They want validation for their stupidity. Luckily, I'm an expert on that. If you fancy a bright future in Assistant Stupidity, welcome aboard.

Gia is right about Veronica and me. Also, I miss Gia. Both these things prove my above point.

Hey, you know what? Sign me up for a tub of that Triple Chocolate Fudge.

Love, Logan

Dear Logan,

But your computer is so interesting! And oh my god, you should totally publish your short stories because they are brilliant! You could be the new J.K. Rowling and become a gazillionaire and buy a castle in Scotland and I could come and visit you!

(I bet Veronica would like to go to Scotland.)

Sorry about the tattoo but I just couldn't help myself. You're lucky we only started looking at Cubism yesterday.

And Logan, people don't just write to you for 'validation for their stupidity'. They write to you because you're funny and awesome ;-) Gia and I both think you suffer from low self-esteem but you totally shouldn't feel that way.

See you this weekend (you buy the ice cream!).

Love, Heather

Dear Logan
by Gia Goodman

Dear Logan,

Since you haven't responded to Heather's last letter in a while, I'm forced to assume you either killed yourself or you're sulking. If you did kill yourself, you're a much better planner than I thought. Or all those Neptune paparazzi are out to lunch. Because I haven't heard a thing about it.

Anyway, Heather is a very smart young lady, and you should listen to her. She's absolutely right about you being brilliant and awesome and funny. Although, I do agree with you about two things:

1) Some of those people who write to "Ask Logan" really need some common sense.

2)I don't think Veronica appreciates your brilliant, awesome funny-ness, if she keeps giving you the yo-yo treatment all the time. Go find a girl who appreciates you. How about a nice redhead for a change?

Come talk to us, Logan. Stop pouting, and playing that volleyball game with the naked women. You're going to give yourself a repetitive motion injury. From the game controller! Ew, I just heard a Logan-voice inside my head saying something totally disgusting -- stop that! Argh, sometimes it's like you're in the same room. Okay, not like that's a bad thing. Cuz I miss you!

A Billion Hugs and Kisses,

Gia

Dear Gia,

Thank you for your concern. However, it was unnecessary to pay Corny $50 to come and check up on me (especially since I had to pay him another $50 to leave). It was also unnecessary to send me a singing telegram once you had established that I was among the living (nice work on the song, though. I was impressed at the number of words you found to rhyme (sorta) with Logan).

Again, I thank you for caring about my mental health, but I'm sure that my mental health would improve vastly if you and Heather would just mind your own damn business and stop mentioning Veronica to me (and stop sending me pictures of Jensen Ackles). I'm fine. So are my hands.

Oh great. Corny's back. He says "What up, G-dog?"

If I ever find my way out of this circle of hell, I'll call you.

Logan

P.S. Mac said she wouldn't take this down as long as I thanked the hot chicks who helped me copy and paste Logan's emails into this post. So thanks, bennet_7 and dark_roast. You guys can be my assistants anytime. For anything. But next time wear shorter skirts!

A letter from the webmaster

2007-02-05T17:15:18Z

Good morning readers,

Just wanted to write you a quick note to let you know that we are on an indefinite hiatus from posting the blog. Everyone is too involved with their own lives to care about the world outside of Neptune, and since I recently got a personal life myself, I am too busy and content to hound them.

But I did create a MySpace profile for Neptune Online over the winter break. Maybe some of you who were too timid to add us to your friends list here on LJ will subscribe to our blog over there. Then you are sure to hear about the next issue if there ever is one.

And again, for the record, I do not have an STD. So please stop emailing me your condolences and descriptions of your personal battles with bumps, rashes, and mysteriously oozing parts. Really. It was just a T-shirt. A T-shirt, which come to think of it, would make a great Valentine's Day gift for the special man/woman/monkey in your life.

To contact me about anything other than VD, you can send an email to neptunes.online@gmail.com.

~ Mac

Volume 2: Issue 5

2006-12-17T08:49:35Z

Readers,

I apologize for our unintended hiatus. The staff has been blogging right along for the past month, but nothing was actually making it onto the internets. Logan attempted to "upgrade" the software and in turn accidentally archived everything. I managed to retrieve the correct dates and have posted them with each entry to avoid confusion.

Writers,

In the few instances where I made changes, I left you notes of explanation. A few things, like the removal of a certain rapist's name, should need no explanation.

- Mac

Everyone Lies
by Veronica Mars

November 12, 2006 @ 3:47 AM

Dr. House once said, "Everyone lies." Call me cynical, but he’s right. In person, there are a lot of things you can do to tell if someone is lying, but what if you’re not talking in person? On the internet, it’s even easier to lie than usual, but this time there’s a paper trail and eventually they’ll trip themselves up. Some people might say that it’s better to leave it alone, but I say it’s better to know the truth.

So how do you tell if someone’s faking? Read on to find out.

1. Check for consistency – Does the person make woeful claims of being penniless and yet managed to purchase a Playstation 3? Did the person claim to have gotten married in Paris and then claim they’ve never been to Europe? Good liars pay attention to the details, but it’s hard to keep track of everything.

2. Real-life encounters – Were you or someone else supposed to meet up with this supposed person and they canceled? Repeatedly? Once is chance, twice is coincidence, but three times is conspiracy.

3. Infinite improbabilities – Did a relative contract a mysterious illness that no one can diagnose? Did a friend fall into a coma? Do madmen threaten to kill them? Unless you’re a TV character or live in Neptune, most people live pretty boring lives. The more improbable the event, the likelier it is that newspapers should have covered it. If you can find no mention of a car crash that involved both a banana truck and an ambulance that was rushing the ill relative to the hospital, then whoever it is is probably lying. And the more improbable events that occur, the more suspicious you should be.

4. Google knows all – Well, maybe not all, but it’s amazing what a simple web search can tell you. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and be able to figure out the real person behind the internet handle. Maybe you don’t have access to a nifty P.I. website, but with just a name, you can find out a lot about someone. If you get their address, then the handy-dandy satellite images on Google Earth will tell you about where they live. It's amazing how many mansions turn out to be squalid apartments in Atlantic City. The truth is just a phone call and a fake accent away. Though if you do call, remember to use a disposable cell phone or untraceable line – you don’t want someone to trace the call back to you.

If you do find out that someone is lying, what you do with this information is up to you, but be smart. Confrontations can be satisfying, but they also can backfire. If this person didn’t commit a crime, then you might just want to warn people trapped in the web. On the other hand, I’ve never been good at letting things go.

The KRFF Mixtape
by Stosh "Piz" Piznarski

November 21, 2006 @ 4:22 PM

So it seems like you’re all on my mailing list. Meaning you get the exclusive privilege to download this mixtape. As you should know, I recently got my own radio show on KRFF, your Hearst College Radio. With the help from my colleague RAPIST!, the host of Club Flush, I bring you the first KRFF mixtape. I asked my friends and listeners for their current playlists and I tried to make sure everyone's tastes were represented on the mix. (So hey guys, see, your songs are on the tape!)

As some of you might know, I’m not a Californian native, I came here for college from Beaverton, near Portland, Oregon. My roommate Wallace is probably the best roommate I could get and all the new people I met here rock! Because my friends are the best, they are also on the covers of this mixtape. (And Dean O’Dell. Because he’s the dean and he made me do it.)

I asked my friends to explain to me what the songs they suggested mean to them because I think reading a little about each choice first will enhance your enjoyment. Thanks to everyone who contributed and thanks to you for listening to it. I hope you enjoy it!

Friends click here to read the song list and download all 12 tracks.

CSI: Neptune
by Eli “Weevil” Navarro

December 1, 2006 @ 11:06 PM

Okay, kiddies, today I want to discuss a rather unusual issue, a conundrum, if you will. Hold up - I know what you’re thinking: Weevil, I didn't know you knew big words. It's okay, I got graduated this summer, while I was in the county clink, and I work at Hearst now, so I got a license to use the big words, just like all the freaky little college kids. Which brings me back to topic.

Okay, so here’s the deal – what would you do if, on a Monday morning, you walked into your classroom and found your boss/professor or arrogant, tight-assed teaching assistant, faced planted on his desk – and he was dead? Now, before you get your panties in a twist, let me say one thing – it ain’t as far-out as you might think. This kind of thing happens all the time to some people I know, and in my experience... You know, never mind that, let’s just talk about it in the abstract. Like I said, it’s a unique situation and presents a number of practical and moral problems.

Presuming, of course, you're not the cholo who offed the stiff, the first thing you gotta do is make sure he's really gone, as in stone cold for real. Now, finding out if he's croaked is kind of tricky, cuz at the same time you’re making sure he ain't breathing, you gotta keep an eye out. Five-O frowns on it when you’re the first person found near, or with your hands on, a dead guy; for some reason, they immediately make you for a suspect and it can get you a quick trip to the Big House. At least, that’s how it went down for some friends of mine. But you still gotta know if the dude really is taking a dirt nap, cuz if he ain't, you gotta get help. No matter what.

So, okay, you gotta man up, or, in some cases, 'woman' up and creep close enough to see, feel him for a pulse; you have to be careful though, cuz you don’t want to leave any traces that would tell public-safety or johnny law you been there. And – this is important – Do Not Touch Anything besides the dead guy. Don’t touch his clothes, don’t touch his desk, and make sure there’s no blood on the floor, cuz you don’t want to step in nothing sticky. You watch CSI. You know those guys got lots of sophisticated, high-tech ways of telling who been in a room, but you don’t want to make it easy on 'em by leaving footprints all over the joint.

You know the guy's 187 if he ain’t breathing, ain’t got a pulse, and don’t move or speak when you touch him. Now, this is where it gets tricky. He's dead, and you can't help him, so what do you do now? Play close attention, boys and girls, cuz here comes the moral issue. Dude's gone – is it gonna hurt you if you're the one that calls it in? If you're a lily-white, upstanding citizen, maybe you just stay where you are, flip out your blueberry or whatever and drop a dime. Do that, and you’re gonna have to stick around 'til they get there, answer a bunch of dumb, insulting questions, and generally waste your time. But, hey, a lot of you punks don't have nothing but time, so maybe it's okay. I mean, it's right thing to do – it's what you should do.

But what if you ain't so upstanding? What if you got a sheet or happen to be on a first name basis with the yokels? What do you do then? If you make the call, no matter how innocent you are, johnny law's going to assume you had a hand in it, somehow, even if you know you ain't done a thing. But if you don't pick up the phone and the law finds out, somehow, that you was there, it's gonna be even worse for you.

Okay, so I've explained the problems inherent in the sitch, but I ain't gonna tell you what to do if you should happen to find a stiff in your classroom or prof's office, cuz what you do depends on who you are and what your priorities are made of. All I’m gonna say is – if you’re really lucky, there’ll be a nice, anonymous pay phone nearby. Good luck, kiddies.

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

You probably get these kinds of letters a lot, being a hottie, and famous because of your movie-star father. I wanted your opinion on relationships in movies and television shows, compared with relationships in real life. In the world of TV and movies, it often happens that two people start off on opposite sides, hating each other. They both think they're right, but then they end up being forced to work together, and they begin to realize all the things they have in common. Then they fall in love and become caring partners.

But it never seems to happen that way in real life. I have a tendency to be shy, especially around guys. I'm not pretty or anything, so I feel it's pretty much up to me to start the relationship. There was one boyfriend in my life, but I felt like I just expected something more. Am I setting my expectations too high by comparing the guys in my life to television characters? When I'm watching my favorite shows, I get all excited and happy when the relationship improves, but no one truly catches my eye (like my favorite characters do), in real life.

Do the movies and TV shows just invent boyfriends like that, or can things actually happen like that in real life? Also, if you could give me any tips for being more of myself around guys, I'd appreciate it.

~Boy crazy but shy (please respond)

December 2, 2006 @ 3:10 AM

Boy crazy but shy--

If you had asked me this question a few weeks ago, I would have told you that real life relationships can, and do, look like the ones you see on TV. Until recently, I was in one such relationship, in which two people hated each other at first and then fell in love. But, unlike what TV would have you believe, that doesn’t always make for a happy ending. Like the cliche says, love isn't always enough. Instead, it can leave you bitter, alone, and desperately wanting to find a bottle of Jack Daniels to drown your sorrows in.

Too bad we all can’t end up like Seth and Summer on The O.C.--happily going about life, even though they are separated by 3000 miles. In the real world, Brody and Bilson recently broke up. In TV-land, on-again/off-again is good drama. In real life, it just hurts.

As to the second aspect of your question, I would always rather someone be honest and upfront about their issues, but without the pretense of being above the other person. You shouldn’t think that most real guys are any different. Find some common interest with them and don’t actively look for a relationship to develop. To continue with The O.C. examples (damn you TiVo suggestions and nothing to do on a Friday night!), Ryan and Taylor are off to a pretty good start.

Then again, you might want to ignore all of this. That bottle of Jack will never break your heart.

Logan

Dear Logan,

This rapist around campus has me really scared. I feel uneasy anytime I leave my dorm. How am I supposed to feel safe when the President of the biggest fraternity gets attacked? (And that situation with Selma Hearst Rose doesn’t help either.) This might sound like I am kidding, but I am totally serious. You're the son of two famous movie stars, do you know any good security services?

Scared

November 21, 2006 @ 11:08 AM

Scared-

Right there with ya. This rapist, along with whoever shoved that egg up Frat Boy's exit are reason to be worried about your personal safety. Add the granddaughter of the founder of our school getting abducted right on campus, and it's no wonder you are thinking about hiring a bodyguard. Any sane woman would.

In regards to the rapes and the kidnapping, you can go the route of someone else I know, and invest in a taser or other personal device that will cripple an attacker, but that won't always be enough. I suggest you call all of the local numbers in the phone books and meet with each potential bodyguard personally. Sometimes the biggest, baddest, baldest men aren’t the perfect match for every situation.

If you can’t find a specific service that suits the issue you're most worried about, then there are other ways to keep yourself safe: always go to events in large groups and make sure that those groups are large enough for someone to run and get help if anything does happen. And don't drink anything offered to you by someone you don't consider a personal friend. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Staying safe is much more important than being right.

As for the "Worst Easter Egg Hunt Ever," I don't think you should be worried about that. Something tells me that was a special gift for a very special ass.

Logan

Dear Logan,

With the holidays fast approaching, do you have any suggestions for gifts from a poor college student to their friends?

Broke

November 17, 2006 @ 9:26 PM

Broke—

I’ve never been anything but rich, but I’d imagine that heartfelt gifts, no matter how inexpensive, would be the best bet. If you’re inclined to wake up at 3:30 AM to get in line early, I hear Black Friday sales are particularly good. If you’re able to get something inexpensive for a few friends, then you’ve come out of the worst shopping experience I could ever imagine on top.

Of course, if you’re really desperate to shop on the cheap this holiday season, I know there’s a guy on the custodial staff who’s had years of practice buying things like that. (Come to think of it, maybe he actually didn’t buy anything, but you see where I am going with this.) Look around campus for the janitor who looks like he could use a rub for magical wishes and you’ve found youself a real live Sandy Claws!

Finally, you could just accept that you are a poor college student and not get them anything and find other non-monetary ways to share the holiday spirit. A "Christmas" suit with a strategically placed bow can make a great gift for your better half, but not your parents (if you have any).

[Author's Note: Keith, this doesn't mean that I'd ever ask your daughter for such a gift. I'm speaking to all the other poor college students who might be hard up.]

Logan

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

My Heroes!
by Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie with
Veronica Mars and Wallace Fennel

SPOILER WARNING:
Spoilers for already-aired episodes of Heroes

December 10, 2006 @ 8:07 PM

Cindy Mackenzie: Veronica has had some spare time recently, so she has been hanging with me and Wallace, catching up on the new NBC show, Heroes.

Veronica Mars: I had real some real doubts about this one.

CM: I understand. When I first heard about Heroes, I thought it sounded like a cheap X-Men rip-off, but I've been proved very wrong. I think the show is interesting and clever, something missing from most popular dramas on TV. It's also spun-off in a very different direction from the X-Men premise.

Wallace Fennell: And it's a show I don't think is embarrassing for me to watch either, like Grey's Anatomy or Gilmore Girls.

Peter Petrelli

VM: Like you don't watch Gilmore Girls, Wallace.

WF: Well, what can I say? Lorelai is fine.

VM: And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson…

WF: Rory's hot and all, but way too annoying.

CM: And of course Jess from Gilmore Girls plays Peter Petrelli on Heroes, and I think many of us were glad to see him back on our screens again! So, back to Heroes, the best episode so far?

VM: I loved all the answers we got in "Six Months Ago." I really liked finding out who Sylar was, what made him start killing the other superheroes and why. It was also interesting to find out that Niki's alter-ego was actually a real person, who had a terrible life.

Future!Hiro

WF: I thought the ending to "Collision" was great, seeing Hiro so evolved and different, and it gave us a brief look into the possible future. The ending to the last episode, "Fallout," was really good.

VM: So you like the cliffhangers then?

WF: I think it adds to the build-up of the next episode, but I know they drive you crazy, which is also kinda funny. And yours, Mac?

CM: I too really loved the last episode, "Fallout." It was really sad when Claire's only friend had his memories wiped, but I think Claire will be strong enough to cope. I really admire Claire, even though so many people have turned against her, she still stands strong. It's also great to have someone our own age that isn't a total idiot playing a really strong character.

WF: You know, she actually reminds me of someone…

CM: Really? I can't see where you got that idea from. I can't think of any petite blonde outcasts that can survive through anything. Oh! You mean Buffy?

WF: Exactly.

VM: Haha. Anyway, I'm not really sure who my favorite character is, I like them all at different times. And that's another great thing about the show, you don't really know who you should like. Mr. Bennett and Nathan are both pretty grey characters, which keeps things really interesting.

CM: It's true, at first I thought Mr. B was a bad guy, then good, then a mix, now I'm just not sure. I'm thinking he thinks he's doing it for the greater good, and is trying to protect his daughter, but I'm sure they'll turn around and surprise me.

WF: So, if you could have one of their powers, which would you have?

VM: Wait, you haven't said who your favorite is, Wallace.

Ali Larter as
Niki Sanders

WF: Niki.

VM: Of course. No explanations needed.

CM: Micah's power seems interesting - the power to fix things, but of course it hasn't been explored by the show yet. Eden's could be fun, the power of suggestion. You could have all the 09ers doing your bidding. You could run for president and just make everyone vote for you, and become one of the most powerful people in the world.

VM: I'm sure I heard Mr. Burns laugh just then. Anyway, I think Matt's ability to read minds would be really helpful in my job. It would save a lot of time, effort and bruises in investigating.

WF: Then you really would know everything, and you'd be scary. I think I'd have to go with Nathan and flying. I'd kick ass on the basketball court!

VM: Would you let people know about your power then, if you woke up with one tomorrow?

CM: I'd probably tell my closest friends, but if it became common knowledge, I'm pretty sure I'd end up in Area 51 being cut up by the government.

WF: Or a similar situation to the X-Men. A mixture of fear and jealously from other people.

VM: That's true, you'd probably end up being stoned to death by a bunch of people that think you've been possessed by the devil.

CM: I really hate hiatuses.

VM: Especially after that cliffhanger of an ending!

What will happen next?

CM: On that note, Heroes returns January 22nd. Set your TiVo so you don't miss it! In the meantime, if you want to catch up, NBC has made it very easy for you. There will be a marathon on January 1st starting at 8/7c. And full episodes are available to stream on NBC.com.

WF: Oh! Don't forget the online graphic novel that picks up where each of the episodes leave off, so basically you get an extra scene each week.

CM: Thanks, Wallace. I can't believe we didn't talk about those, they are pretty cool and give us extra insight into the heroes. Everyone should definitely check them out. And finally, for those of you who want to keep the episode on your own computer, you can purchase episodes of Heroes and many other shows from iTunes for $1.99/each.

Celebrity Gossip
by Dick Casablancas

December 12, 2006 16:45

Hey, everyone. Dick here. Apparently I need to write an article for Neptune Online if I want my car keys back. Don’t ask me why the hell someone put a computer chip in my car keys, but there’s no way I’m paying $2900 to replace them when I can just write for a stupid blog.

As side note, someone please remind me to not make fun of Veronica getting dumped by Logan ever again, because I really need my car keys back soon and I don’t want her tossing them off the Coronado bridge. If a hot chick could remind me to resist that temptation, that would be even better.

So Mac assigned me to write celebrity gossip, but I want you to know it doesn’t make me gay if I like the idea. The Dickmeister is the perfect guy to write about hot A-lister chicks and their wild ways! I think Ghost World may be a little bitter and she expected me to hate it, but the bitterness is probably because she has a STD, according to a t-shirt I saw her wearing a few weeks back. (If you had an STD, why would you annouce it?)

Anyway, let’s talk about the only news out there that doesn’t make me snooze. Celebrity gossip!

Britney Spears defends her panty-less partying. I’m all for ‘easy access’ but the Brit-meister is looking a little 'rode hard and put away wet' lately. I don’t know if she was having limousine sex, which I highly recommend, but dude, it’s usually not that hard to find your underwear, is it? I don’t have any problem showing all the ladies my goods and I guess Britney doesn’t either. I've seen London and I've seen France, but I didn't see Britney's underpants! Britney, if you’re reading this and you’d like to show me your Brazilian flair, then just look me up. Maybe I’ll see you around town. Ohhh, and K-Fed doesn't even get his own paragraph, but he's apparently 'doing just fine!' Yeah, right. Too bad he's not like me. If he had a face like Owen Wilson and an ass like Marky Mark, he'd be a lot better off. He looks like some reject from a rapper convention.

In other news, Nicole Richie just got arrested for driving under the influence. That's gotta suck! If she just partied at the Pi Sig house, we totally would have let crash here for the night. Of course, I’m not trying to imply anything there, because have you seen Nicole lately? The Dickmeister isn’t a 'baby got back' kinda guy, but I don’t want to get impaled by someone's hip bone when I go for a ride either! Nicole, baby, if you’re reading this... lay off the vicodin, have a few beers and eat a few potato chips after you smoke that pot. 'Rough Riding' is just an expression. Just sayin'.

Next, Paris insists she and Britney are just friends. Paris Hilton has a message for her fans: she and Britney Spears are not lovers. Let me tell you, that’s just a shame, because hot lesbians are hot! Anyone else notice that Lindsay Lohan, didn't roll out with the denial that she and Britney or she and Paris aren't getting it on though? Sure, Brit looked a little 'rode hard', but if it's Freaky Friday that's riding her hard, then I want to see it! I don’t care about the public’s 'right to know' or whatever, but the Dickmeister would love more details. I bet Paris is hot in bed--she looked killer hot in that sex tape, that’s for sure--and Britney didn't look too bad herself in Chaotic. Rumor has it that Paris might have dumped Lindsay for Britney and it makes me wonder if Paris has a little crack stashed in her purse too. Everyone knows you should always go for the newest model, although I guess that doesn't mean less mileage in Lindsay's case. Lindsay, if you need some lovin' then Dick is the right guy for you! And if Paris, Britney or Lindsay would like to add some Dick to their love life, then I’m there as soon as I get my keys back. Don’t start without me ladies!

Last, but not least, Tori Spelling has a yard sale. Dude! I know it's been a long time since 90210 and I guess her Mom shafted her in her Dad's will, but c'mon! I thought 90210 was like on Nick at Nite or something. I can't believe she's forced to sell her underwear on the side of the road. Maybe Britney will stop by and buy some from her. She's selling designer clothes, collectibles, furniture and I think everything else, except her dog. Tori, if you're selling Tiffani Amber Theissen's phone number, let me know. Tiffani's almost as hot as Alyssa Milano and that's sayin' something!

There’s more crap about Rosie O’Donnell and some couple drama, but who really cares? I don’t. (Hot lesbians, I care about.) And to all you lovely ladies of Hearst, just because I’m willing to write a gossip rag, it doesn’t mean I’m willing to carry your purse while you shop. Just so we’re clear. Dick is all man and he’s not your purse carrier, unless you’re way hotter than Paris.

[Webmaster's note: I do not have an STD. But if Dick thinks I do, then the shirt worked. -Mac]

McDreamy? Really?
by Parker Lee

SPOILER WARNING:
Spoilers for Season One of Grey's Anatomy

[Webmaster's note: a significant number of exclamation points were removed from this segment. Sorry, Parker. –Mac]

November 26, 2006 20:05

Hey, online friends! Everyone's been having a pretty rough time here at Hearst lately, so I wanted to find a fun activity for the girls on our floor who couldn't go home for the Thanksgiving break. I suggested we have a Grey's Anatomy marathon, since I just bought the season one DVDs. What better way to have some great girly bonding than giggling over McDreamy, right? But when we were watching it all together, I noticed some things about the show that I never saw before.

First, a quick note: how weird is it that season one was only nine episodes long? Mac looked it up for me and said that it was a "mid-season replacement," and that's why it was short. I thought that TV seasons were like twenty episodes or something.

But on to the show itself. First of all, I always thought that Dr. McDreamy (aka Derek Shepherd) was really romantic and sweet to Meredith Grey, but some of his actions seem really creepy to me now. The thing is, Meredith said that she didn't want a relationship with him, because he was her boss, but he kept going after her and asking her out. No means no, boys and girls! Asking out someone who works for you, especially more than once, is sexual harassment. Also, coming up from behind someone and sniffing their hair is not really as romantic as it is twisted! They sure do ride those elevators a lot, don't they?

Also, I forgot that the second episode of the first season was about rape, which didn't really help take people's minds off the happenings on campus. Still, it was really cool how Meredith identified with the rape survivor and how the rapist got two kinds of justice: not only was he arrested, but the rape survivor bit his penis off! You go, girl! (Anyone who wants to help protect themselves can come and get a free rape whistle from me.)

It kind of bothers me that two of the interns (Meredith and Cristina) end up sleeping with their bosses. The interns are at the hospital to learn, guys, not so you can have easy hook-ups! It is great to see women on TV with awesome careers and awesome social lives, though.

Finally, knowing that Derek (not-so-McDreamy) was actually married this whole time really made him seem a lot less cute to me. Even if he and his wife, Addison, were separated, it is not cool that he didn't tell Meredith about her. She deserved to know that she was dating a married man, because my girl Meredith would totally not be down with that, and she wasted so much time with him when she could have been with other, single guys!

Another quick note: who really believes that a bunch of doctors and nurses, of all people, aren't having safe sex? Unsafe sex leads to pregnancy and disease, as the Grey's characters can tell us. George is lucky that he only got syphilis, which is treatable, and he didn't get something way worse.

Still, Grey's Anatomy is one of my favorite shows on TV. It's a good thing that there are plenty of reasons to watch besides McDreamy! It's a great show to watch for the strong female characters, exciting plots, and yes, plenty of other great looking men to squee over. And it is so great to watch them all get closer as the show progresses. At the end of season one they are friends and co-workers, but by the middle of season two they will be each other's port in the storm. Like Meredith says in one of my favorite S2 episodes, "The family you're born into is simply a starting point. They feed you, and clothe you, and take care of you, until you're ready to go out into the world and find your tribe." It's just like college, isn't it? *smooshes all my Benes Hall sistahs especially my wonderful roommate, Mac*

Sound Off: The 2006 NO! Awards
Moderator: Logan Echolls

You have entered room "Sound_Off," November 22, 2006, 9:37 AM.
Logan_Echolls: 2006. It was a year that began with January and will end with December. Stuff happened in between and in this Sound Off we will pay tribute to the people and events that shaped the past eleven or so months.
Cindy_Mackenzie: The year isn't even close to over yet. Shouldn't we wait another month before we do this?
Logan_Echolls: Do you want to tell Wallace that he has to take time away from studying for finals to chat with us? Because I can barely get the kid to look up from his desk long enough to wave Clippers tickets in front of his face.
Wallace_Fennel: OK. Now that is an overstatement. I told you, I had a paper due the day after the game and I hadn't even finished doing the research yet.
Stosh_Piznarksi: You have been pretty uptight lately, Wallace. Logan just doesn't know the tricks I know from watching Veronica work her BFF Magic. Basketball tickets are good, but cookies always work.
Logan_Echolls: If Piz has finished interrupting me, then I can continue. The Academy has its Oscars. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association has the Golden Globes. Michael Scott has The Dundies. We here at Neptune Online have the NO! Awards.
Veronica_Mars: The NO!'s? That's the best you could come up with?
Logan_Echolls: Please, enlighten us with your ideas.
Veronica_Mars: The Nepties? OK, that's lame. The 'Tunes? You're right, the NO! Awards it is.
Logan_Echolls: And the first category is... Best Celebrity Baby! Parker?
Parker_Lee: What? When you said we could suggest our own categories. I didn't realize you were taking this so seriously.
Wallace_Fennel: Yeah, Logan. Lighten up.
Logan_Echolls: Hey, it's Parker's category. Not my problem no one has an opinion about it.
Wallace_Fennel: What makes you think I don't have an opinion? I personally think the award should go to Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Or is it Pitt-Jolie? Whatever, the offspring of Brangelina. Girl taught me about a country I'd never even heard about.
Veronica_Mars: Plus, she's not the spawn of Satan-on-Earth (SoE) aka Tom Cruise and his zombie bride Kat(i)e. Though I do feel sorry for little Suri. I've seen what that kind of media attention can do to a person. Her chances of growing up into a healthy, well adjusted person are slim to none.
Logan_Echolls: She's talking about me right? Subtle, Sugar Plum. Parker, call it please so we can move on.
Parker_Lee: The NO! award for Best Celebrity Baby does go to Shiloh. The Tom Cruise ick-factor was too high with Suri. Sorry sweetie! But the NO! award for celebrity baby most likely to need therapy could go to Suri.
Veronica_Mars: I'd give that one to Sean Preston and Jayden James. I can't think of worse parents than Britney and K-fed!
Logan_Echolls: Um.
Veronica_Mars: Hey, it's time for another award! Piz, your move.
Stosh_Piznarksi: The NO! award for Most Overplayed Song on the Radio goes to, drumroll please, "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. If I hear it again my Pavlovian response will be to lay down in front of a moving car.
Logan_Echolls: Hey Piz, what's your phone number again?
Veronica_Mars: Moving on, the next NO! award was really hard to pick and honestly, I could change my mind in the next five seconds. The NO! award for Best TV Show was for me, a competition between two shows: The Office and Battlestar Galactica. Both of which I started watching this year at the behest of my friends. Listen to your friends when they recommend TV shows, people. They know what's best.
Cindy_Mackenzie: I know you are a big Office fan, but BSG has been so awesome this season. They're making genocide entertaining! OK, that sounds bad.
Veronica_Mars: Yeah but it's true. The moral and ethical questions the show continues to raise make it at times depressing but always interesting. To offset that I often need to watch a couple of episodes of The Office, which is also having an amazing third season. Jim and Pam: will those two ever work it out? And Michael and Dwight: will those two ever stop making me laugh?
Parker_Lee: I have to throw in my vote for Grey's Anatomy. Especially with McSteamy roaming the halls of Seattle Grace. He is such a hottie!
Logan_Echolls: And in addition to those, I'm also enjoying Dexter. Vigilantism has never been so much fun. But this one is yours, Veronica. Your decision?
Veronica_Mars: I can't chose between them! It's a tie between The Office and Battlestar Galactica. And in the same vein, the NO! award for Show We Miss the Most goes to Arrested Development which lives on in our hearts, minds and DVD players.
Logan_Echolls: To more serious matters, the NO! Award for "We are safer but not yet safe" aka best example of the Bush Administration's incompetency goes to VP Dick Cheney who got bored with shooting at Iraqis and started shooting his friends. In the face.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Oh, for the president to have been on that hunting trip...
Wallace_Fennel: Still in the political arena, the NO! award for "Look who finally stepped up to the plate" goes to the Democratic National Party. Let's hope they actually, you know, do something.
Cindy_Mackenzie: And we must give a NO! award to Stephen Colbert, so that he doesn't kill himself. Best New Fake News Anchor goes to him.
Logan_Echolls: New fake news anchor? Is there anyone else in that category?
Cindy_Mackenzie: I couldn't have Colbert beat his own mentor, Jon Stewart. This way they aren't in the same category.
Parker_Lee: I think we all deserve NO! awards for graduating high school and getting accepted into Hearst. Go us!
Logan_Echolls: I'd just like to thank God and my 3rd grade teacher who always told me to believe in myself. Oh, and I'm thinking of the troops. Bring 'em home safe!
Wallace_Fennel: That was beautiful man.
Stosh_Piznarksi: The NO! award for "Still rocking hard long after death" goes to Mozart. 2006 was the year of Mozart, celebrating the 250th anniversary of his birth. I hope they do something like that for Bono.
Logan_Echolls: First, are you for real? Second, speaking of dead famous people, who is worthy of the NO! Award for Best Celebrity Death? In the running we have Don Knotts, Kirby Puckett, Syd Barrett, Slobodan Milosevic and Kenneth Lay.
Wallace_Fennel: Don't forget Lou Rawls and Wilson Picket.
Parker_Lee: What about Betty Friedan? I think she's pretty important.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Oh, how could we forget? Steve Irwin! His death was a shocker! What, too soon?
Logan_Echolls: No, that was just lame.
Veronica_Mars: I was going to say Robert Altman because The Player is one of my all time favorite films, but I'm with Parker on this one. Betty's work redefined the world I grew up in. Plus, my father gave me The Feminine Mystique when I turned 13 so I have a soft spot for the woman.
Logan_Echolls: Really? Not one of "The Babysitter's Club" books?
Veronica_Mars: Who am I, Trina?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Betty gets my vote too. Though I do have to say, Short Cuts is a pretty great flick.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Nashville is my favorite. But I think you guys are right. The women have spoken! I'm calling the NO! Award for Most Important Celebrity Death for Betty Friedan.
Wallace_Fennel: Man, you just sold us all out.
Logan_Echolls: Wallace, I think that happened a long time ago for Piz. And M.A.S.H. kicks Nashville's ass, Stosh.
Cindy_Mackenzie: OK! I think the topic is officially dead now. (Hee.) On the technology front, 2006 saw the rise of YouTube. It earns the "Best way to spend time when you should be studying for finals" award. Just remember to bring headphones if you're going to watch in the computer lab.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, what's going on?
Veronica_Mars: And the NO! Award for the Neptune Online staff member who has made the least contribution goes to Dick.
Dick_Casablancas: I won? Awesome! Do I get like a gift certificate or something?
Logan_Echolls: We're in the middle of the Sound Off, Dick. The NO! Awards of 2006. Ring any bells?
Dick_Casablancas: Actually my ears are ringing a bit. This girl I've been hooking up with, her boyfriend or whatever had some serious issues with my presence in their apartment. But he got me at a disadvantage - I totally would have kicked his ass if I'd been wearing my lucky shirt. Or any shirt.
Logan_Echolls: As fascinating as your "love" life is, I can hear the girls rolling their eyes from my hotel room. Do you want to announce a NO! award?
Dick_Casablancas: Sure thing. After much careful consideration, of FHM and Maxim, the chick with the hottest **** is...
Veronica_Mars: No, Dick.
Dick_Casablancas: You're exactly right, Ronnie. It is a "NO!" Award.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Should I TOS him?
Logan_Echolls:: Stick with the one you were supposed to do, man. This is not a good time to be objectifying women.
Dick_Casablancas: Fine. The NO! Award for the Best Book Deal Ever goes to O.J Simpson. Dude, who wouldn't want to read the Juice's tail of how he would have done it if he had done it?
Veronica_Mars: How does one respond to that?
Cindy_Mackenzie: On the one hand, I'm actually pretty impressed that he knows what a bunch of pages with words is called. On the other: "tail"? C'MON!
Wallace_Fennel: I'd rather give a NO! to society for letting both the book and the TV special fall through.
Cindy_Mackenzie: I'm with you Wallace. People really surprised me on that. In a good way for once. So what kind of rating would you guys give 2006?
Stosh_Piznarksi: 8, maybe 8 and a half.
Wallace_Fennel: 6.5. There's been some good and some bad.
Parker_Lee: Personally, it was one of the worst years of my life.
Veronica_Mars: I don't want to depress people with my vote.
Logan_Echolls: Yeah, come to think of it, even Dick's year sucked.
Cindy_Mackenzie: So did mine, but I figured rating the year would be a good way to end Sound Off.
Logan_Echolls: It wasn't.
Cindy_Mackenzie: OK, then. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Everyone must be thankful for something.
Parker_Lee: I am thankful that I made such wonderful friends in college.
Wallace_Fennel: I'm just glad to still be in college!
Stosh_Piznarksi: I'm gonna go with the Beastie Boys on this and give thanks for inspiration. Veronica? What are you thankful for?
Veronica_Mars: Um.
Dick_Casablancas: Like every chick, she's thankful for Dick!
Logan_Echolls: And that concludes this very special Sound Off.

Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, fickledame, gymble, julia_ma, raelee, rindee, rowanceleste, silentsiren47 and spadada.