Neptune Online

Dick's Picks Volume One

2007-10-09T20:04:34Z

Dear Losers Who Still Check This Site For Updates,

Looks like you hit the jackpot.

No, I am not finally posting that celebrity sex tape starring me and a certain washed up pop star--you have to come to the Neptune Grand Penthouse if you wanna see that--I have proof that your favorite Editor-in-Chief hangs out with elementary school chicks.

My roommate and my ex-sister-in-law are pen pals. Isn't that precious?

Click the cut if you want to laugh your ass off.

~ Dick

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

I don't know if you do this any more but I'm asking you a question anyway. If you liked a guy for like ever and then you thought it would never happen... and then now it's happening what do you do??? Are you two timing that blonde chick?!?!

-It's happening to me

Dear It's happening to me,

If you're sure he's not just setting you up or leading you on (the old guy-pretends-to-like-girl-back-so-that-he-can-humiliate-her is a classic story that pops up in several teen films I've recently been forced to watch by a 'love expert') then you have two choices and both end the same way. You can:

a) run far, far away as quickly as you can; or
b) attempt to have an honest and committed relationship with them. I say attempt because the collapse of this foolish exercise is inevitable and will have you running far, far away.

As for the blond chick, you're gonna have to be a lot more specific. There are too many for me to keep track of.

--Logan

Ask ~~Logan~~ Heather
by Heather Button

Hi It's happening to me!

Logan's advice was like, totally terrible but you should know that he's just been through a really bad break-up so he's not the biggest fan of love right now. I'm helping him out though.

Anyway, what you should do is this:

-Go out on totally romantic dates to the movies or dinner at a fancy restaurant and then walk along the beach under the moonlight.
-Hold hands all the time. Seriously. And make eye contact when they're talking so they know you're listening. Communication is soo important.
-Don't be scared! You like him, he likes you and that's all you need no matter what some people say.

And Logan is definitely not cheating on Veronica. Veronica, if you're reading this, Logan TOTALLY loves you and wants to get back together!

Good luck, It's happening to me!

Love, Heather

Dear Heather,

1) You can't cheat on somebody if you're broken up with them.
2) Shut up.

-- Logan

P.S. You can forget about coming over for Mario Kart this weekend.

Dear Logan,

1) It will still feel like cheating. Remember when we watched Gilmore Girls and TV Logan slept with ALL the bridesmaids when he and Rory were 'broken up' but she still felt betrayed and though she said that she had forgiven him, she really hadn't and was all cold towards him and they only got back together for real when he was in the hospital!

2) You can't make me :-P

Love, Heather

P.S. I AM coming over but because you were mean we're going to be watching The Notebook. Again.

Dear Heather,

1) Your analogy is tragically flawed. It only feels like cheating if the woman in question is not a ravenous alien vampire with a hive mind connecting her to countless more of her hideous, blond ilk. If the only reason you fled to the comfort of someone else's arms (etc.), is because she sucked the soul and life out of you, leaving you a broken, shriveled husk of a man fit only to be taken out behind the barn and shot like a sad, incontinent old dog -- then who cares if you huwt her feewings? The sensible course of action is to pick up your P90 and exterminate her for the good of the Pegasus Galaxy. And keep shooting, until you're certain she's really dead.

2) Okay, I'm sorry about that part. Forgive me? Or, do I have to wind up in the hospital, first?

Logan

P.S. We're watching a Stargate: Atlantis marathon. You'll thank me.

Dear Logan,

1) Are you comparing Veronica to an alien? Because girls really don't like that unless it's that Aeryn chick from that show with the muppets you made me watch last week. Or the blond robot girl from Battlestar the week before that.

2) I will forgive you only if the following conditions are met:
-I get to eat an entire tub of Triple Chocolate Fudge Ice cream all by myself!
-World peace.

Love, Heather

P.S. This is going to be another stupid show about aliens isn't it? Why can't we watch something fun with normal people in it? I think you would really like Grey's Anatomy if you just gave it a chance.

Dear Heather,

Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore. We're supposed to be helping some girl with some stupid problem -- actually, I, the Advice Guru, am supposed to be helping her with whatever desperate insanity drove her to me for advice.

I am not getting back together with Veronica, and that's final. Sometimes people just break up because one of them doesn't care, and the other one has to join the French Foreign Legion, or open a gin joint in Morocco. Of course, you can never really be safe. Eventually, she will track you down and crush you yet again.

Trust your wise Advice Guru, who knows these things, just like he knows he will be holding your hair later, while you miserably puke up that entire tub of Triple Chocolate Fudge ice cream.

Love, Logan

P.S. I'm working on the world peace. Let's compromise. Spongebob?

Dear Logan,

All I'm asking is that you give helpful advice to people. And when you don't, I see it as my duty as Assistant ~~to the~~ Advice Guru to help you out. But I'll try to stay out of your column - I'll save all my advice for you because you really need it!

And fine, I get that you and Veronica are not getting back together...this week. But I was using you computer to talk to your friend Gia, and she said that you and Veronica have a loooong history of breaking up for good and then making up.

The ice cream wouldn't make me sick. It's ICE CREAM.

Love, Heather

P.S. Yes!!!! ;-)

Dear Heather,

What I would really like is for you to stay off my computer. Okay, sure. You got bored while I was passed out last weekend. Totally understandable. I realized that as soon as I looked in the bathroom mirror and discovered your Sharpie art project. My classmates in Economics enjoyed the giant "I ♥ Heather!!!" tattoo on my bicep. Excellent work, especially the unicorns.

Anyway, my point is -- okay, now I forgot what my point was. Thanks a lot. Furthermore, I'm a little hazy on how I got saddled with this "Advice Guru" gig in the first place. I mean, seriously. Nobody wants helpful advice if they're asking Logan Echolls. They want validation for their stupidity. Luckily, I'm an expert on that. If you fancy a bright future in Assistant Stupidity, welcome aboard.

Gia is right about Veronica and me. Also, I miss Gia. Both these things prove my above point.

Hey, you know what? Sign me up for a tub of that Triple Chocolate Fudge.

Love, Logan

Dear Logan,

But your computer is so interesting! And oh my god, you should totally publish your short stories because they are brilliant! You could be the new J.K. Rowling and become a gazillionaire and buy a castle in Scotland and I could come and visit you!

(I bet Veronica would like to go to Scotland.)

Sorry about the tattoo but I just couldn't help myself. You're lucky we only started looking at Cubism yesterday.

And Logan, people don't just write to you for 'validation for their stupidity'. They write to you because you're funny and awesome ;-) Gia and I both think you suffer from low self-esteem but you totally shouldn't feel that way.

See you this weekend (you buy the ice cream!).

Love, Heather

Dear Logan
by Gia Goodman

Dear Logan,

Since you haven't responded to Heather's last letter in a while, I'm forced to assume you either killed yourself or you're sulking. If you did kill yourself, you're a much better planner than I thought. Or all those Neptune paparazzi are out to lunch. Because I haven't heard a thing about it.

Anyway, Heather is a very smart young lady, and you should listen to her. She's absolutely right about you being brilliant and awesome and funny. Although, I do agree with you about two things:

1) Some of those people who write to "Ask Logan" really need some common sense.

2)I don't think Veronica appreciates your brilliant, awesome funny-ness, if she keeps giving you the yo-yo treatment all the time. Go find a girl who appreciates you. How about a nice redhead for a change?

Come talk to us, Logan. Stop pouting, and playing that volleyball game with the naked women. You're going to give yourself a repetitive motion injury. From the game controller! Ew, I just heard a Logan-voice inside my head saying something totally disgusting -- stop that! Argh, sometimes it's like you're in the same room. Okay, not like that's a bad thing. Cuz I miss you!

A Billion Hugs and Kisses,

Gia

Dear Gia,

Thank you for your concern. However, it was unnecessary to pay Corny $50 to come and check up on me (especially since I had to pay him another $50 to leave). It was also unnecessary to send me a singing telegram once you had established that I was among the living (nice work on the song, though. I was impressed at the number of words you found to rhyme (sorta) with Logan).

Again, I thank you for caring about my mental health, but I'm sure that my mental health would improve vastly if you and Heather would just mind your own damn business and stop mentioning Veronica to me (and stop sending me pictures of Jensen Ackles). I'm fine. So are my hands.

Oh great. Corny's back. He says "What up, G-dog?"

If I ever find my way out of this circle of hell, I'll call you.

Logan

P.S. Mac said she wouldn't take this down as long as I thanked the hot chicks who helped me copy and paste Logan's emails into this post. So thanks, bennet_7 and dark_roast. You guys can be my assistants anytime. For anything. But next time wear shorter skirts!

A letter from the webmaster

2007-02-05T17:15:18Z

Good morning readers,

Just wanted to write you a quick note to let you know that we are on an indefinite hiatus from posting the blog. Everyone is too involved with their own lives to care about the world outside of Neptune, and since I recently got a personal life myself, I am too busy and content to hound them.

But I did create a MySpace profile for Neptune Online over the winter break. Maybe some of you who were too timid to add us to your friends list here on LJ will subscribe to our blog over there. Then you are sure to hear about the next issue if there ever is one.

And again, for the record, I do not have an STD. So please stop emailing me your condolences and descriptions of your personal battles with bumps, rashes, and mysteriously oozing parts. Really. It was just a T-shirt. A T-shirt, which come to think of it, would make a great Valentine's Day gift for the special man/woman/monkey in your life.

To contact me about anything other than VD, you can send an email to neptunes.online@gmail.com.

~ Mac

Volume 2: Issue 5

2006-12-17T08:49:35Z

Readers,

I apologize for our unintended hiatus. The staff has been blogging right along for the past month, but nothing was actually making it onto the internets. Logan attempted to "upgrade" the software and in turn accidentally archived everything. I managed to retrieve the correct dates and have posted them with each entry to avoid confusion.

Writers,

In the few instances where I made changes, I left you notes of explanation. A few things, like the removal of a certain rapist's name, should need no explanation.

- Mac

Everyone Lies
by Veronica Mars

November 12, 2006 @ 3:47 AM

Dr. House once said, "Everyone lies." Call me cynical, but he’s right. In person, there are a lot of things you can do to tell if someone is lying, but what if you’re not talking in person? On the internet, it’s even easier to lie than usual, but this time there’s a paper trail and eventually they’ll trip themselves up. Some people might say that it’s better to leave it alone, but I say it’s better to know the truth.

So how do you tell if someone’s faking? Read on to find out.

1. Check for consistency – Does the person make woeful claims of being penniless and yet managed to purchase a Playstation 3? Did the person claim to have gotten married in Paris and then claim they’ve never been to Europe? Good liars pay attention to the details, but it’s hard to keep track of everything.

2. Real-life encounters – Were you or someone else supposed to meet up with this supposed person and they canceled? Repeatedly? Once is chance, twice is coincidence, but three times is conspiracy.

3. Infinite improbabilities – Did a relative contract a mysterious illness that no one can diagnose? Did a friend fall into a coma? Do madmen threaten to kill them? Unless you’re a TV character or live in Neptune, most people live pretty boring lives. The more improbable the event, the likelier it is that newspapers should have covered it. If you can find no mention of a car crash that involved both a banana truck and an ambulance that was rushing the ill relative to the hospital, then whoever it is is probably lying. And the more improbable events that occur, the more suspicious you should be.

4. Google knows all – Well, maybe not all, but it’s amazing what a simple web search can tell you. Sometimes you’ll get lucky and be able to figure out the real person behind the internet handle. Maybe you don’t have access to a nifty P.I. website, but with just a name, you can find out a lot about someone. If you get their address, then the handy-dandy satellite images on Google Earth will tell you about where they live. It's amazing how many mansions turn out to be squalid apartments in Atlantic City. The truth is just a phone call and a fake accent away. Though if you do call, remember to use a disposable cell phone or untraceable line – you don’t want someone to trace the call back to you.

If you do find out that someone is lying, what you do with this information is up to you, but be smart. Confrontations can be satisfying, but they also can backfire. If this person didn’t commit a crime, then you might just want to warn people trapped in the web. On the other hand, I’ve never been good at letting things go.

The KRFF Mixtape
by Stosh "Piz" Piznarski

November 21, 2006 @ 4:22 PM

So it seems like you’re all on my mailing list. Meaning you get the exclusive privilege to download this mixtape. As you should know, I recently got my own radio show on KRFF, your Hearst College Radio. With the help from my colleague RAPIST!, the host of Club Flush, I bring you the first KRFF mixtape. I asked my friends and listeners for their current playlists and I tried to make sure everyone's tastes were represented on the mix. (So hey guys, see, your songs are on the tape!)

As some of you might know, I’m not a Californian native, I came here for college from Beaverton, near Portland, Oregon. My roommate Wallace is probably the best roommate I could get and all the new people I met here rock! Because my friends are the best, they are also on the covers of this mixtape. (And Dean O’Dell. Because he’s the dean and he made me do it.)

I asked my friends to explain to me what the songs they suggested mean to them because I think reading a little about each choice first will enhance your enjoyment. Thanks to everyone who contributed and thanks to you for listening to it. I hope you enjoy it!

Friends click here to read the song list and download all 12 tracks.

CSI: Neptune
by Eli “Weevil” Navarro

December 1, 2006 @ 11:06 PM

Okay, kiddies, today I want to discuss a rather unusual issue, a conundrum, if you will. Hold up - I know what you’re thinking: Weevil, I didn't know you knew big words. It's okay, I got graduated this summer, while I was in the county clink, and I work at Hearst now, so I got a license to use the big words, just like all the freaky little college kids. Which brings me back to topic.

Okay, so here’s the deal – what would you do if, on a Monday morning, you walked into your classroom and found your boss/professor or arrogant, tight-assed teaching assistant, faced planted on his desk – and he was dead? Now, before you get your panties in a twist, let me say one thing – it ain’t as far-out as you might think. This kind of thing happens all the time to some people I know, and in my experience... You know, never mind that, let’s just talk about it in the abstract. Like I said, it’s a unique situation and presents a number of practical and moral problems.

Presuming, of course, you're not the cholo who offed the stiff, the first thing you gotta do is make sure he's really gone, as in stone cold for real. Now, finding out if he's croaked is kind of tricky, cuz at the same time you’re making sure he ain't breathing, you gotta keep an eye out. Five-O frowns on it when you’re the first person found near, or with your hands on, a dead guy; for some reason, they immediately make you for a suspect and it can get you a quick trip to the Big House. At least, that’s how it went down for some friends of mine. But you still gotta know if the dude really is taking a dirt nap, cuz if he ain't, you gotta get help. No matter what.

So, okay, you gotta man up, or, in some cases, 'woman' up and creep close enough to see, feel him for a pulse; you have to be careful though, cuz you don’t want to leave any traces that would tell public-safety or johnny law you been there. And – this is important – Do Not Touch Anything besides the dead guy. Don’t touch his clothes, don’t touch his desk, and make sure there’s no blood on the floor, cuz you don’t want to step in nothing sticky. You watch CSI. You know those guys got lots of sophisticated, high-tech ways of telling who been in a room, but you don’t want to make it easy on 'em by leaving footprints all over the joint.

You know the guy's 187 if he ain’t breathing, ain’t got a pulse, and don’t move or speak when you touch him. Now, this is where it gets tricky. He's dead, and you can't help him, so what do you do now? Play close attention, boys and girls, cuz here comes the moral issue. Dude's gone – is it gonna hurt you if you're the one that calls it in? If you're a lily-white, upstanding citizen, maybe you just stay where you are, flip out your blueberry or whatever and drop a dime. Do that, and you’re gonna have to stick around 'til they get there, answer a bunch of dumb, insulting questions, and generally waste your time. But, hey, a lot of you punks don't have nothing but time, so maybe it's okay. I mean, it's right thing to do – it's what you should do.

But what if you ain't so upstanding? What if you got a sheet or happen to be on a first name basis with the yokels? What do you do then? If you make the call, no matter how innocent you are, johnny law's going to assume you had a hand in it, somehow, even if you know you ain't done a thing. But if you don't pick up the phone and the law finds out, somehow, that you was there, it's gonna be even worse for you.

Okay, so I've explained the problems inherent in the sitch, but I ain't gonna tell you what to do if you should happen to find a stiff in your classroom or prof's office, cuz what you do depends on who you are and what your priorities are made of. All I’m gonna say is – if you’re really lucky, there’ll be a nice, anonymous pay phone nearby. Good luck, kiddies.

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

You probably get these kinds of letters a lot, being a hottie, and famous because of your movie-star father. I wanted your opinion on relationships in movies and television shows, compared with relationships in real life. In the world of TV and movies, it often happens that two people start off on opposite sides, hating each other. They both think they're right, but then they end up being forced to work together, and they begin to realize all the things they have in common. Then they fall in love and become caring partners.

But it never seems to happen that way in real life. I have a tendency to be shy, especially around guys. I'm not pretty or anything, so I feel it's pretty much up to me to start the relationship. There was one boyfriend in my life, but I felt like I just expected something more. Am I setting my expectations too high by comparing the guys in my life to television characters? When I'm watching my favorite shows, I get all excited and happy when the relationship improves, but no one truly catches my eye (like my favorite characters do), in real life.

Do the movies and TV shows just invent boyfriends like that, or can things actually happen like that in real life? Also, if you could give me any tips for being more of myself around guys, I'd appreciate it.

~Boy crazy but shy (please respond)

December 2, 2006 @ 3:10 AM

Boy crazy but shy--

If you had asked me this question a few weeks ago, I would have told you that real life relationships can, and do, look like the ones you see on TV. Until recently, I was in one such relationship, in which two people hated each other at first and then fell in love. But, unlike what TV would have you believe, that doesn’t always make for a happy ending. Like the cliche says, love isn't always enough. Instead, it can leave you bitter, alone, and desperately wanting to find a bottle of Jack Daniels to drown your sorrows in.

Too bad we all can’t end up like Seth and Summer on The O.C.--happily going about life, even though they are separated by 3000 miles. In the real world, Brody and Bilson recently broke up. In TV-land, on-again/off-again is good drama. In real life, it just hurts.

As to the second aspect of your question, I would always rather someone be honest and upfront about their issues, but without the pretense of being above the other person. You shouldn’t think that most real guys are any different. Find some common interest with them and don’t actively look for a relationship to develop. To continue with The O.C. examples (damn you TiVo suggestions and nothing to do on a Friday night!), Ryan and Taylor are off to a pretty good start.

Then again, you might want to ignore all of this. That bottle of Jack will never break your heart.

Logan

Dear Logan,

This rapist around campus has me really scared. I feel uneasy anytime I leave my dorm. How am I supposed to feel safe when the President of the biggest fraternity gets attacked? (And that situation with Selma Hearst Rose doesn’t help either.) This might sound like I am kidding, but I am totally serious. You're the son of two famous movie stars, do you know any good security services?

Scared

November 21, 2006 @ 11:08 AM

Scared-

Right there with ya. This rapist, along with whoever shoved that egg up Frat Boy's exit are reason to be worried about your personal safety. Add the granddaughter of the founder of our school getting abducted right on campus, and it's no wonder you are thinking about hiring a bodyguard. Any sane woman would.

In regards to the rapes and the kidnapping, you can go the route of someone else I know, and invest in a taser or other personal device that will cripple an attacker, but that won't always be enough. I suggest you call all of the local numbers in the phone books and meet with each potential bodyguard personally. Sometimes the biggest, baddest, baldest men aren’t the perfect match for every situation.

If you can’t find a specific service that suits the issue you're most worried about, then there are other ways to keep yourself safe: always go to events in large groups and make sure that those groups are large enough for someone to run and get help if anything does happen. And don't drink anything offered to you by someone you don't consider a personal friend. And don't be afraid to ask for help. Staying safe is much more important than being right.

As for the "Worst Easter Egg Hunt Ever," I don't think you should be worried about that. Something tells me that was a special gift for a very special ass.

Logan

Dear Logan,

With the holidays fast approaching, do you have any suggestions for gifts from a poor college student to their friends?

Broke

November 17, 2006 @ 9:26 PM

Broke—

I’ve never been anything but rich, but I’d imagine that heartfelt gifts, no matter how inexpensive, would be the best bet. If you’re inclined to wake up at 3:30 AM to get in line early, I hear Black Friday sales are particularly good. If you’re able to get something inexpensive for a few friends, then you’ve come out of the worst shopping experience I could ever imagine on top.

Of course, if you’re really desperate to shop on the cheap this holiday season, I know there’s a guy on the custodial staff who’s had years of practice buying things like that. (Come to think of it, maybe he actually didn’t buy anything, but you see where I am going with this.) Look around campus for the janitor who looks like he could use a rub for magical wishes and you’ve found youself a real live Sandy Claws!

Finally, you could just accept that you are a poor college student and not get them anything and find other non-monetary ways to share the holiday spirit. A "Christmas" suit with a strategically placed bow can make a great gift for your better half, but not your parents (if you have any).

[Author's Note: Keith, this doesn't mean that I'd ever ask your daughter for such a gift. I'm speaking to all the other poor college students who might be hard up.]

Logan

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

My Heroes!
by Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie with
Veronica Mars and Wallace Fennel

SPOILER WARNING:
Spoilers for already-aired episodes of Heroes

December 10, 2006 @ 8:07 PM

Cindy Mackenzie: Veronica has had some spare time recently, so she has been hanging with me and Wallace, catching up on the new NBC show, Heroes.

Veronica Mars: I had real some real doubts about this one.

CM: I understand. When I first heard about Heroes, I thought it sounded like a cheap X-Men rip-off, but I've been proved very wrong. I think the show is interesting and clever, something missing from most popular dramas on TV. It's also spun-off in a very different direction from the X-Men premise.

Wallace Fennell: And it's a show I don't think is embarrassing for me to watch either, like Grey's Anatomy or Gilmore Girls.

Peter Petrelli

VM: Like you don't watch Gilmore Girls, Wallace.

WF: Well, what can I say? Lorelai is fine.

VM: And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson…

WF: Rory's hot and all, but way too annoying.

CM: And of course Jess from Gilmore Girls plays Peter Petrelli on Heroes, and I think many of us were glad to see him back on our screens again! So, back to Heroes, the best episode so far?

VM: I loved all the answers we got in "Six Months Ago." I really liked finding out who Sylar was, what made him start killing the other superheroes and why. It was also interesting to find out that Niki's alter-ego was actually a real person, who had a terrible life.

Future!Hiro

WF: I thought the ending to "Collision" was great, seeing Hiro so evolved and different, and it gave us a brief look into the possible future. The ending to the last episode, "Fallout," was really good.

VM: So you like the cliffhangers then?

WF: I think it adds to the build-up of the next episode, but I know they drive you crazy, which is also kinda funny. And yours, Mac?

CM: I too really loved the last episode, "Fallout." It was really sad when Claire's only friend had his memories wiped, but I think Claire will be strong enough to cope. I really admire Claire, even though so many people have turned against her, she still stands strong. It's also great to have someone our own age that isn't a total idiot playing a really strong character.

WF: You know, she actually reminds me of someone…

CM: Really? I can't see where you got that idea from. I can't think of any petite blonde outcasts that can survive through anything. Oh! You mean Buffy?

WF: Exactly.

VM: Haha. Anyway, I'm not really sure who my favorite character is, I like them all at different times. And that's another great thing about the show, you don't really know who you should like. Mr. Bennett and Nathan are both pretty grey characters, which keeps things really interesting.

CM: It's true, at first I thought Mr. B was a bad guy, then good, then a mix, now I'm just not sure. I'm thinking he thinks he's doing it for the greater good, and is trying to protect his daughter, but I'm sure they'll turn around and surprise me.

WF: So, if you could have one of their powers, which would you have?

VM: Wait, you haven't said who your favorite is, Wallace.

Ali Larter as
Niki Sanders

WF: Niki.

VM: Of course. No explanations needed.

CM: Micah's power seems interesting - the power to fix things, but of course it hasn't been explored by the show yet. Eden's could be fun, the power of suggestion. You could have all the 09ers doing your bidding. You could run for president and just make everyone vote for you, and become one of the most powerful people in the world.

VM: I'm sure I heard Mr. Burns laugh just then. Anyway, I think Matt's ability to read minds would be really helpful in my job. It would save a lot of time, effort and bruises in investigating.

WF: Then you really would know everything, and you'd be scary. I think I'd have to go with Nathan and flying. I'd kick ass on the basketball court!

VM: Would you let people know about your power then, if you woke up with one tomorrow?

CM: I'd probably tell my closest friends, but if it became common knowledge, I'm pretty sure I'd end up in Area 51 being cut up by the government.

WF: Or a similar situation to the X-Men. A mixture of fear and jealously from other people.

VM: That's true, you'd probably end up being stoned to death by a bunch of people that think you've been possessed by the devil.

CM: I really hate hiatuses.

VM: Especially after that cliffhanger of an ending!

What will happen next?

CM: On that note, Heroes returns January 22nd. Set your TiVo so you don't miss it! In the meantime, if you want to catch up, NBC has made it very easy for you. There will be a marathon on January 1st starting at 8/7c. And full episodes are available to stream on NBC.com.

WF: Oh! Don't forget the online graphic novel that picks up where each of the episodes leave off, so basically you get an extra scene each week.

CM: Thanks, Wallace. I can't believe we didn't talk about those, they are pretty cool and give us extra insight into the heroes. Everyone should definitely check them out. And finally, for those of you who want to keep the episode on your own computer, you can purchase episodes of Heroes and many other shows from iTunes for $1.99/each.

Celebrity Gossip
by Dick Casablancas

December 12, 2006 16:45

Hey, everyone. Dick here. Apparently I need to write an article for Neptune Online if I want my car keys back. Don’t ask me why the hell someone put a computer chip in my car keys, but there’s no way I’m paying $2900 to replace them when I can just write for a stupid blog.

As side note, someone please remind me to not make fun of Veronica getting dumped by Logan ever again, because I really need my car keys back soon and I don’t want her tossing them off the Coronado bridge. If a hot chick could remind me to resist that temptation, that would be even better.

So Mac assigned me to write celebrity gossip, but I want you to know it doesn’t make me gay if I like the idea. The Dickmeister is the perfect guy to write about hot A-lister chicks and their wild ways! I think Ghost World may be a little bitter and she expected me to hate it, but the bitterness is probably because she has a STD, according to a t-shirt I saw her wearing a few weeks back. (If you had an STD, why would you annouce it?)

Anyway, let’s talk about the only news out there that doesn’t make me snooze. Celebrity gossip!

Britney Spears defends her panty-less partying. I’m all for ‘easy access’ but the Brit-meister is looking a little 'rode hard and put away wet' lately. I don’t know if she was having limousine sex, which I highly recommend, but dude, it’s usually not that hard to find your underwear, is it? I don’t have any problem showing all the ladies my goods and I guess Britney doesn’t either. I've seen London and I've seen France, but I didn't see Britney's underpants! Britney, if you’re reading this and you’d like to show me your Brazilian flair, then just look me up. Maybe I’ll see you around town. Ohhh, and K-Fed doesn't even get his own paragraph, but he's apparently 'doing just fine!' Yeah, right. Too bad he's not like me. If he had a face like Owen Wilson and an ass like Marky Mark, he'd be a lot better off. He looks like some reject from a rapper convention.

In other news, Nicole Richie just got arrested for driving under the influence. That's gotta suck! If she just partied at the Pi Sig house, we totally would have let crash here for the night. Of course, I’m not trying to imply anything there, because have you seen Nicole lately? The Dickmeister isn’t a 'baby got back' kinda guy, but I don’t want to get impaled by someone's hip bone when I go for a ride either! Nicole, baby, if you’re reading this... lay off the vicodin, have a few beers and eat a few potato chips after you smoke that pot. 'Rough Riding' is just an expression. Just sayin'.

Next, Paris insists she and Britney are just friends. Paris Hilton has a message for her fans: she and Britney Spears are not lovers. Let me tell you, that’s just a shame, because hot lesbians are hot! Anyone else notice that Lindsay Lohan, didn't roll out with the denial that she and Britney or she and Paris aren't getting it on though? Sure, Brit looked a little 'rode hard', but if it's Freaky Friday that's riding her hard, then I want to see it! I don’t care about the public’s 'right to know' or whatever, but the Dickmeister would love more details. I bet Paris is hot in bed--she looked killer hot in that sex tape, that’s for sure--and Britney didn't look too bad herself in Chaotic. Rumor has it that Paris might have dumped Lindsay for Britney and it makes me wonder if Paris has a little crack stashed in her purse too. Everyone knows you should always go for the newest model, although I guess that doesn't mean less mileage in Lindsay's case. Lindsay, if you need some lovin' then Dick is the right guy for you! And if Paris, Britney or Lindsay would like to add some Dick to their love life, then I’m there as soon as I get my keys back. Don’t start without me ladies!

Last, but not least, Tori Spelling has a yard sale. Dude! I know it's been a long time since 90210 and I guess her Mom shafted her in her Dad's will, but c'mon! I thought 90210 was like on Nick at Nite or something. I can't believe she's forced to sell her underwear on the side of the road. Maybe Britney will stop by and buy some from her. She's selling designer clothes, collectibles, furniture and I think everything else, except her dog. Tori, if you're selling Tiffani Amber Theissen's phone number, let me know. Tiffani's almost as hot as Alyssa Milano and that's sayin' something!

There’s more crap about Rosie O’Donnell and some couple drama, but who really cares? I don’t. (Hot lesbians, I care about.) And to all you lovely ladies of Hearst, just because I’m willing to write a gossip rag, it doesn’t mean I’m willing to carry your purse while you shop. Just so we’re clear. Dick is all man and he’s not your purse carrier, unless you’re way hotter than Paris.

[Webmaster's note: I do not have an STD. But if Dick thinks I do, then the shirt worked. -Mac]

McDreamy? Really?
by Parker Lee

SPOILER WARNING:
Spoilers for Season One of Grey's Anatomy

[Webmaster's note: a significant number of exclamation points were removed from this segment. Sorry, Parker. –Mac]

November 26, 2006 20:05

Hey, online friends! Everyone's been having a pretty rough time here at Hearst lately, so I wanted to find a fun activity for the girls on our floor who couldn't go home for the Thanksgiving break. I suggested we have a Grey's Anatomy marathon, since I just bought the season one DVDs. What better way to have some great girly bonding than giggling over McDreamy, right? But when we were watching it all together, I noticed some things about the show that I never saw before.

First, a quick note: how weird is it that season one was only nine episodes long? Mac looked it up for me and said that it was a "mid-season replacement," and that's why it was short. I thought that TV seasons were like twenty episodes or something.

But on to the show itself. First of all, I always thought that Dr. McDreamy (aka Derek Shepherd) was really romantic and sweet to Meredith Grey, but some of his actions seem really creepy to me now. The thing is, Meredith said that she didn't want a relationship with him, because he was her boss, but he kept going after her and asking her out. No means no, boys and girls! Asking out someone who works for you, especially more than once, is sexual harassment. Also, coming up from behind someone and sniffing their hair is not really as romantic as it is twisted! They sure do ride those elevators a lot, don't they?

Also, I forgot that the second episode of the first season was about rape, which didn't really help take people's minds off the happenings on campus. Still, it was really cool how Meredith identified with the rape survivor and how the rapist got two kinds of justice: not only was he arrested, but the rape survivor bit his penis off! You go, girl! (Anyone who wants to help protect themselves can come and get a free rape whistle from me.)

It kind of bothers me that two of the interns (Meredith and Cristina) end up sleeping with their bosses. The interns are at the hospital to learn, guys, not so you can have easy hook-ups! It is great to see women on TV with awesome careers and awesome social lives, though.

Finally, knowing that Derek (not-so-McDreamy) was actually married this whole time really made him seem a lot less cute to me. Even if he and his wife, Addison, were separated, it is not cool that he didn't tell Meredith about her. She deserved to know that she was dating a married man, because my girl Meredith would totally not be down with that, and she wasted so much time with him when she could have been with other, single guys!

Another quick note: who really believes that a bunch of doctors and nurses, of all people, aren't having safe sex? Unsafe sex leads to pregnancy and disease, as the Grey's characters can tell us. George is lucky that he only got syphilis, which is treatable, and he didn't get something way worse.

Still, Grey's Anatomy is one of my favorite shows on TV. It's a good thing that there are plenty of reasons to watch besides McDreamy! It's a great show to watch for the strong female characters, exciting plots, and yes, plenty of other great looking men to squee over. And it is so great to watch them all get closer as the show progresses. At the end of season one they are friends and co-workers, but by the middle of season two they will be each other's port in the storm. Like Meredith says in one of my favorite S2 episodes, "The family you're born into is simply a starting point. They feed you, and clothe you, and take care of you, until you're ready to go out into the world and find your tribe." It's just like college, isn't it? *smooshes all my Benes Hall sistahs especially my wonderful roommate, Mac*

Sound Off: The 2006 NO! Awards
Moderator: Logan Echolls

You have entered room "Sound_Off," November 22, 2006, 9:37 AM.
Logan_Echolls: 2006. It was a year that began with January and will end with December. Stuff happened in between and in this Sound Off we will pay tribute to the people and events that shaped the past eleven or so months.
Cindy_Mackenzie: The year isn't even close to over yet. Shouldn't we wait another month before we do this?
Logan_Echolls: Do you want to tell Wallace that he has to take time away from studying for finals to chat with us? Because I can barely get the kid to look up from his desk long enough to wave Clippers tickets in front of his face.
Wallace_Fennel: OK. Now that is an overstatement. I told you, I had a paper due the day after the game and I hadn't even finished doing the research yet.
Stosh_Piznarksi: You have been pretty uptight lately, Wallace. Logan just doesn't know the tricks I know from watching Veronica work her BFF Magic. Basketball tickets are good, but cookies always work.
Logan_Echolls: If Piz has finished interrupting me, then I can continue. The Academy has its Oscars. The Hollywood Foreign Press Association has the Golden Globes. Michael Scott has The Dundies. We here at Neptune Online have the NO! Awards.
Veronica_Mars: The NO!'s? That's the best you could come up with?
Logan_Echolls: Please, enlighten us with your ideas.
Veronica_Mars: The Nepties? OK, that's lame. The 'Tunes? You're right, the NO! Awards it is.
Logan_Echolls: And the first category is... Best Celebrity Baby! Parker?
Parker_Lee: What? When you said we could suggest our own categories. I didn't realize you were taking this so seriously.
Wallace_Fennel: Yeah, Logan. Lighten up.
Logan_Echolls: Hey, it's Parker's category. Not my problem no one has an opinion about it.
Wallace_Fennel: What makes you think I don't have an opinion? I personally think the award should go to Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Or is it Pitt-Jolie? Whatever, the offspring of Brangelina. Girl taught me about a country I'd never even heard about.
Veronica_Mars: Plus, she's not the spawn of Satan-on-Earth (SoE) aka Tom Cruise and his zombie bride Kat(i)e. Though I do feel sorry for little Suri. I've seen what that kind of media attention can do to a person. Her chances of growing up into a healthy, well adjusted person are slim to none.
Logan_Echolls: She's talking about me right? Subtle, Sugar Plum. Parker, call it please so we can move on.
Parker_Lee: The NO! award for Best Celebrity Baby does go to Shiloh. The Tom Cruise ick-factor was too high with Suri. Sorry sweetie! But the NO! award for celebrity baby most likely to need therapy could go to Suri.
Veronica_Mars: I'd give that one to Sean Preston and Jayden James. I can't think of worse parents than Britney and K-fed!
Logan_Echolls: Um.
Veronica_Mars: Hey, it's time for another award! Piz, your move.
Stosh_Piznarksi: The NO! award for Most Overplayed Song on the Radio goes to, drumroll please, "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol. If I hear it again my Pavlovian response will be to lay down in front of a moving car.
Logan_Echolls: Hey Piz, what's your phone number again?
Veronica_Mars: Moving on, the next NO! award was really hard to pick and honestly, I could change my mind in the next five seconds. The NO! award for Best TV Show was for me, a competition between two shows: The Office and Battlestar Galactica. Both of which I started watching this year at the behest of my friends. Listen to your friends when they recommend TV shows, people. They know what's best.
Cindy_Mackenzie: I know you are a big Office fan, but BSG has been so awesome this season. They're making genocide entertaining! OK, that sounds bad.
Veronica_Mars: Yeah but it's true. The moral and ethical questions the show continues to raise make it at times depressing but always interesting. To offset that I often need to watch a couple of episodes of The Office, which is also having an amazing third season. Jim and Pam: will those two ever work it out? And Michael and Dwight: will those two ever stop making me laugh?
Parker_Lee: I have to throw in my vote for Grey's Anatomy. Especially with McSteamy roaming the halls of Seattle Grace. He is such a hottie!
Logan_Echolls: And in addition to those, I'm also enjoying Dexter. Vigilantism has never been so much fun. But this one is yours, Veronica. Your decision?
Veronica_Mars: I can't chose between them! It's a tie between The Office and Battlestar Galactica. And in the same vein, the NO! award for Show We Miss the Most goes to Arrested Development which lives on in our hearts, minds and DVD players.
Logan_Echolls: To more serious matters, the NO! Award for "We are safer but not yet safe" aka best example of the Bush Administration's incompetency goes to VP Dick Cheney who got bored with shooting at Iraqis and started shooting his friends. In the face.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Oh, for the president to have been on that hunting trip...
Wallace_Fennel: Still in the political arena, the NO! award for "Look who finally stepped up to the plate" goes to the Democratic National Party. Let's hope they actually, you know, do something.
Cindy_Mackenzie: And we must give a NO! award to Stephen Colbert, so that he doesn't kill himself. Best New Fake News Anchor goes to him.
Logan_Echolls: New fake news anchor? Is there anyone else in that category?
Cindy_Mackenzie: I couldn't have Colbert beat his own mentor, Jon Stewart. This way they aren't in the same category.
Parker_Lee: I think we all deserve NO! awards for graduating high school and getting accepted into Hearst. Go us!
Logan_Echolls: I'd just like to thank God and my 3rd grade teacher who always told me to believe in myself. Oh, and I'm thinking of the troops. Bring 'em home safe!
Wallace_Fennel: That was beautiful man.
Stosh_Piznarksi: The NO! award for "Still rocking hard long after death" goes to Mozart. 2006 was the year of Mozart, celebrating the 250th anniversary of his birth. I hope they do something like that for Bono.
Logan_Echolls: First, are you for real? Second, speaking of dead famous people, who is worthy of the NO! Award for Best Celebrity Death? In the running we have Don Knotts, Kirby Puckett, Syd Barrett, Slobodan Milosevic and Kenneth Lay.
Wallace_Fennel: Don't forget Lou Rawls and Wilson Picket.
Parker_Lee: What about Betty Friedan? I think she's pretty important.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Oh, how could we forget? Steve Irwin! His death was a shocker! What, too soon?
Logan_Echolls: No, that was just lame.
Veronica_Mars: I was going to say Robert Altman because The Player is one of my all time favorite films, but I'm with Parker on this one. Betty's work redefined the world I grew up in. Plus, my father gave me The Feminine Mystique when I turned 13 so I have a soft spot for the woman.
Logan_Echolls: Really? Not one of "The Babysitter's Club" books?
Veronica_Mars: Who am I, Trina?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Betty gets my vote too. Though I do have to say, Short Cuts is a pretty great flick.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Nashville is my favorite. But I think you guys are right. The women have spoken! I'm calling the NO! Award for Most Important Celebrity Death for Betty Friedan.
Wallace_Fennel: Man, you just sold us all out.
Logan_Echolls: Wallace, I think that happened a long time ago for Piz. And M.A.S.H. kicks Nashville's ass, Stosh.
Cindy_Mackenzie: OK! I think the topic is officially dead now. (Hee.) On the technology front, 2006 saw the rise of YouTube. It earns the "Best way to spend time when you should be studying for finals" award. Just remember to bring headphones if you're going to watch in the computer lab.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, what's going on?
Veronica_Mars: And the NO! Award for the Neptune Online staff member who has made the least contribution goes to Dick.
Dick_Casablancas: I won? Awesome! Do I get like a gift certificate or something?
Logan_Echolls: We're in the middle of the Sound Off, Dick. The NO! Awards of 2006. Ring any bells?
Dick_Casablancas: Actually my ears are ringing a bit. This girl I've been hooking up with, her boyfriend or whatever had some serious issues with my presence in their apartment. But he got me at a disadvantage - I totally would have kicked his ass if I'd been wearing my lucky shirt. Or any shirt.
Logan_Echolls: As fascinating as your "love" life is, I can hear the girls rolling their eyes from my hotel room. Do you want to announce a NO! award?
Dick_Casablancas: Sure thing. After much careful consideration, of FHM and Maxim, the chick with the hottest **** is...
Veronica_Mars: No, Dick.
Dick_Casablancas: You're exactly right, Ronnie. It is a "NO!" Award.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Should I TOS him?
Logan_Echolls:: Stick with the one you were supposed to do, man. This is not a good time to be objectifying women.
Dick_Casablancas: Fine. The NO! Award for the Best Book Deal Ever goes to O.J Simpson. Dude, who wouldn't want to read the Juice's tail of how he would have done it if he had done it?
Veronica_Mars: How does one respond to that?
Cindy_Mackenzie: On the one hand, I'm actually pretty impressed that he knows what a bunch of pages with words is called. On the other: "tail"? C'MON!
Wallace_Fennel: I'd rather give a NO! to society for letting both the book and the TV special fall through.
Cindy_Mackenzie: I'm with you Wallace. People really surprised me on that. In a good way for once. So what kind of rating would you guys give 2006?
Stosh_Piznarksi: 8, maybe 8 and a half.
Wallace_Fennel: 6.5. There's been some good and some bad.
Parker_Lee: Personally, it was one of the worst years of my life.
Veronica_Mars: I don't want to depress people with my vote.
Logan_Echolls: Yeah, come to think of it, even Dick's year sucked.
Cindy_Mackenzie: So did mine, but I figured rating the year would be a good way to end Sound Off.
Logan_Echolls: It wasn't.
Cindy_Mackenzie: OK, then. Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Everyone must be thankful for something.
Parker_Lee: I am thankful that I made such wonderful friends in college.
Wallace_Fennel: I'm just glad to still be in college!
Stosh_Piznarksi: I'm gonna go with the Beastie Boys on this and give thanks for inspiration. Veronica? What are you thankful for?
Veronica_Mars: Um.
Dick_Casablancas: Like every chick, she's thankful for Dick!
Logan_Echolls: And that concludes this very special Sound Off.

Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, fickledame, gymble, julia_ma, raelee, rindee, rowanceleste, silentsiren47 and spadada.

Volume 2: Issue 4

2006-11-17T15:36:17Z

My staff have rebelled. They claim they need time to "attend classes," "study," "get some," "work" and "fight crime." I think they're just lazy. Still, I can't write this whole thing by myself so the blog will now be published when I get around to it.

--Your fearless leader

Battlestar Galactica Review
by Veronica Mars with Logan Echolls

SPOILER WARNING:
Spoilers for already-aired episodes of Battlestar Galactica

Veronica_Mars: All I can say is…Frak! You didn’t think we’d skip this review after the last two episodes, did you? No frakking way!

Logan_Echolls: Potty mouth.

VM: Since ‘frak’ isn’t a curse word yet, I’m not really swearing, am I? Anyway, we should start with brief overview of the last two episodes before we go into our favorite scenes.

LE: When we left off, the survivors from New Caprica had boarded Galactica and were celebrating their rescue off the planet. My cyber girlfriend, Starbuck, is also seen with Kacey, her biological child of Leoben. Starbuck’s new family is suddenly taken away, as Kacey’s birth mother sees her and tearfully thanks Starbuck for saving Kacey. I gotta say it probably sucked to be Starbuck at that moment, since it looked like she got pretty attached to the kid.

VM: Even bad-ass chicks have feelings. Kara probably got her heart broken when she had to give Kacey up. Being a bad ass though, I think this was the straw that broke the camel’s back. If you thought Starbuck was pissed off and bitter before, you should see her now.

LE: It’s so typical, instead of dealing with her feelings, she just avoids Kacey and pretty much blows off Sam.

VM: We’ll get into that later. Episode 5 "Collaborators" starts with some of the leaders of the insurgency convening in an airlock. They have apparently formed a group called ‘The Circle’, whose purpose is to judge and also sentence anyone who is proven to have collaborated with the Cylons. Most of you won’t be surprised that poor Jammer is being tried for being a member of the ‘New Caprica Police Force’ and for committing ‘crimes against humanity.’

LE: Long story short, Jammer tries to explain it was a confusing time and he had helped to save Callie, but the judges don’t feel that negates his other actions. Needless to say, as Veronica found out, yelling at the TV screen didn’t help either, and Jammer still got air-locked. I’d also like to point out that yelling, ‘What the frak???’ at the TV for the next five minutes also did not allow Jammer to survive being sucked into space, much to Veronica’s dismay.

VM: It frakking blows that they killed him. As for those of you that are already fans, but haven’t watched episodes 5 or 6 yet, I’m sure you’re worried about Felix Gaeta since the leaders of the insurgency considered him the power behind the puppet, so to speak.

LE: Starbuck is still pissed as hell and spiraling out of control. When Gaeta tries to explain about the dog food bowl and how he helped the insurgency, she blows him off. I’m not sure if it makes Starbuck more of a guy because she tunes him out and refuses to listen, or more of a girl, because she’s holding a grudge and doesn’t care what he says.

VM: Sexist much? Anyway, as you can imagine, Felix is brought before ‘The Circle’ and almost gets himself ‘air-locked’ by refusing to defend his actions, but at the last moment, the Chief realizes that Gaeta was their source and there wouldn’t have even been a rescue without him.

LE: What were your favorite scenes in these episodes?

VM: Episode 5, right after Starbuck joins ‘The Circle’ as Sam’s replacement, and Sam tells her that he quit because he was tired of the killing, and he wants her to quit as well. Starbuck isn’t just old school ‘eye for an eye’, she admits that she wants someone to pay and she doesn’t care who it is…she also tells him that he should go before that someone is him.

LE: She’d definitely rather avoid emotional problems than deal with them and it’s obvious she’s breaking Sam’s heart when she pushes him away.

VM: It’s Starbuck though. She can do a lot more than break his heart and it’s good she pushes him away before she kills him or something. We saw her kill Leoben time and time again, and she’s obviously still got that rage and anger in her. It’s not safe for Sam to be around her.

LE: My favorite scene in Episode 6 is when Adama confronts Tigh and Starbuck and tells them one of them needs to kill him, and if they won’t, they need to shape up or ship out. Tigh and Starbuck were doing their best impressions of obligatory, psychotic jackasses, causing a lot of anger and dissent among the crew until Adama finally confronted them. I gotta say, even though I understand where Tigh and Starbuck were coming from, Adama probably had to be pissed that the two people closest to him, outside of his son, were causing morale issues on his ship.

VM: Adama’s approach was harsh, but effective, at least with Starbuck. Tigh looks like he plans to continue drinking his life away.

LE: Hey, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. It works for a while. Of course, now that I’m a reformed bad boy, I don’t do that anymore.

VM: Good to know. In "Collaborators", we also find that as usual, Baltar has managed to land on his feet and the Cylons haven’t killed him yet, even though he appears to be a prisoner on the Cylon base ship. The Cylons also tell him their goal is to find Earth because they want to settle there.

LE: Not only is Baltar still alive, but he betrays his entire race and vows to help the Cylons find Earth, just to save his own life. I’m still surprised the people somehow elected him to be their President, when it’s obvious he only cares about himself, but then, this town elected Lamb to be our Sheriff.

VM: Very true. We should probably go over a few more of the important details of Episode 5 and 6 before wrapping up, so people aren’t lost next week.

LE: Okay, here goes: Laura Rosslyn, through some convoluted negotiations with Tom Zarek, is now President of the Colonies again, while Tom is her VP. Laura also grants a general amnesty for all humans, so no one continues to be persecuted for their actions on New Caprica. Gaeta’s back in charge of the communication at the CIC and Starbuck chops off her hair, pulls her shit together and goes to see Kacey.

VM: Don’t forget that Apollo was working out and is now back to his sexy self.

LE: I didn’t think that one was a ‘must know’ for the next episode.

VM: Believe me, it’s something many fans want to know. It’s great seeing those lovely abs and hips again.

LE: Hey! What about my abs and hips? I’m not exactly chopped liver.

VM: Since I’ve never seen your abs or really any part of your body, I have no way to confirm.

LE: What? Ohhh. Well, what about when you saw me when I was surfing?

VM: Definitely great abs based on distant visual inspection.

LE: Does your Dad really read every article in every issue?

VM: Yep.

LE: I think we should get back to discussing Battlestar Galactica.

VM: That’s a great idea. The location of a nebula that should help determine the location of Earth is found and a Cylon base ship jumps to that nebula. The ship and all its inhabitants, from Centurions to skin jobs, contract a virus. The Cylons receive a distress call from the ship, but it’s determined the virus is deadly to all Cylons, and if the Cylons aboard the infected base ship are allowed to ‘resurrect’ themselves, the virus would spread through the resurrection ship and possibly decimate their entire race. In order to prove his value, Baltar volunteers to go to the infected base ship and try to figure out what caused the virus.

LE: Baltar boards the infected base ship and sees dead Cylons everywhere. I gotta say, the guy does that ‘scared shitless’ look really well and you can tell he’s terrified that whatever could kill a Cylon might actually kill him as well. He finds a Six that’s dying and tries to save her while she accuses him of doing this to them since the Cylons went to that nebula based on Baltar’s information. Gaius denies the accusation and finds out that the virus came from a beacon they brought aboard the ship.

VM: In one of those rare moments where Baltar actually realizes he’s a human and not a Cylon, he hides the origin of the virus from the rest of the Cylons. Unfortunately, he’s not quite as smart as he thinks and brings back a picture of the beacon next to all the dead bodies, which Caprica notices.

LE: Next week we’ll discuss Episode 7 – "A Measure of Salvation."

VM: I almost forgot, the humans have the same information based on Baltar’s extrapolations and Sharon, aka, the newly renamed 'Athena', and Racetrack jump to the location of infected base star and the nebula that should point the way to Earth. Will Sharon become infected with the virus? Will the humans figure out what’s going on? Stay tuned at the same Bat time on the same Bat Channel.

LE: So say we all.

Celebrity Gossip
by Parker Lee

I was so upset when I heard that Reese and Ryan are officially over. After seven whole years! They were, like, the only normal couple left in Hollywood. I'm so sad for them, especially for Reese. She is so pretty and such a good actress! I loved her in the Legally Blonde movies. I can't believe that Ryan cheated! I didn’t even know that they were having problems, they were so good at hiding it. What about the children? It’s so sad that there are children involved, and I hope for their sakes that they can at least be cordial. I adore both Reese and Ryan, but I have to take her side in this. Team Reese!

Britney Spears has also filed for divorce from husband K-Fed. OK, so this wasn’t that much of a shocker, and I’m glad that she finally dumped him. He really was a bit of a loser. His music career is nonexistent, and every time you see a picture of him, Britney is nowhere to be found. Now, I know a thing about loving bad boys (Colin, of course!), but Kevin was pretty much just trashy. Of course, I’m sad (again) for their kids, especially since Kevin is planning to counter sue Britney for custody. I’m going to side with Brit on this one. Go Team Britney!

At least there is some "love" in the air as Tom and Katie prepare to tie the knot. Let’s just hope that they don’t add to the population of Celebrity Splitsville.

FASHION DON’T OF THE WEEK:

Victoria Beckham was spotted leaving Nobu on Thursday wearing this:

It looks like a sack to me. Now, I don’t know about you, but I miss the days of the Spice Girls. Victoria, word of advice, that outfit is not very posh.

That’s it for this week, but maybe I’ll start writing for every issue.

Movie Review: Marie Antoinette
by Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie

Author’s Note: I apologize in advance for the shortness/lateness of this review. Unlike my fellow Neptune Online staff members, I have numerous classes to attend and projects to get done. Still, I promised Logan I’d get him something so he’d have something to post this week. Who knew he’d actually care about people having a new issue to read each week when we asked him to be editor.

Veronica and I were supposed to be doing this review together as she’s a big fan of Sophia Coppola’s work – I think The Virgin Suicides soundtrack is permanently affixed to the inside of her CD player. Unfortunately, I had to go out of town unexpectedly so we didn’t make it to the theater as planned. Even more unfortunately I was forced to see it with several of my cousins instead, all of them huge Kristen Dunst fans. It’s not that I don’t like Kristen Dunst or Sophia Coppola, it’s that I’ve never liked Marie Antoinette. I wasn’t sure how I’d like a movie that focuses on a historical figure that I’ve always seen as the 18th century equivalent of Madison Sinclair.

Kristen Dunst as the title
character in Sophia Coppola’s
Marie Antoinette.

Which is why I was quite pleased when the movie was much better than I expected. I still see Neptune in Versailles with 09ers perfectly filling the roles of the French court; their fixation on the trials in their rich and opulent lifestyles blinding them to needs of the bourgeoisie. Yet the movie did make me wonder if Marie Antoinette is more of a Lilly Kane than a Madison Sinclair, a girl born into a life of privilege but forced to adhere to the expectations of her mother and family and to give up everything to meet those expectations. So much so that she eventually rebels, ignoring the advice of those around her to do as she pleases. A girl young and immature enough not to see the consequences of her decisions until it’s too late and she loses her life as result. It doesn’t make Marie (or Lilly) any more likable from my point of view but it does make them easier to understand and more human.

History buffs beware, you are likely to be bothered by the lack of historical and political accuracy to be found in the movie. It’s not so much that Coppola deliberately changes facts to fit her story (well, except for the parts about her children) so much as she deliberately glosses over anything outside Marie’s interests. After all, this movie is a look into how life at Versailles shaped and influenced Marie not at how the French Revolution changed her. The audience gets a clear sense that Marie was just a young girl with too much time, money, and power on her hands. Her greatest downfall was not her inability to care about people but the lack of people who cared about her.

The movie also spends a lot of time focused Marie’s husband, played by Louis XVI, and his inability or lack of desire to consummate their marriage for an almost certainly embarrassing seven years. Coppola refrains from ever fully addressing the reasons why, instead letting the whispers of the court hint at the rumors that circulated Marie during those long seven years. I really felt for Marie during this portion of the story, willing Louis to respond to her timid and innocent attempts to seduce him at night despite knowing that history dictated his reactions. There is no way to fully capture what Marie must have been feeling as days went by and Louis continued to rebuff her but Kristen did a nice job of capturing the awkwardness of the situation. I’m just glad that Louis finally came through for her. [Editor’s Note: Came through for her? Nice one MacKenzie.]

As for Coppola’s blend of modern pop and traditional baroque music was a nice touch, literally blending history with a modern day telling. Maybe I’m just a sucker for a good soundtrack but I felt like it helped bring Marie into my world and, in doing so, gave me a new appreciation for this dead monarch I previously thought so little of. As for the ending, well we all know how Marie’s life ends and it’s not really necessary to show it but the truth is that Coppola set out to show us Marie’s life before the fateful day that the mobs descended upon Versailles and her life was changed so completely. It’s something to keep in mind when going to see this movie, don’t go in expecting a movie about France or the French Revolution. As the title implies, this movie is about Marie Antoinette.

So, how many MBs of Mac memory would I use to store Marie Antoinette? I’d give it a solid 512MB, worth keeping it in the memory banks and watching again.

MacDisk Memory Rating:

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

a) Dawson or Pacey?
b) Big or Aidan?
c) Dean or Sam?

--Hopeful

Hopeful,

Contrary to the rumors started by my girlfriend, I’m not gay - just less butch than her.

PS:

a) neither
b) Big - only in a suit
c) Dean

--Logan

***

Dear Logan,

So I saw you briefly on your way to a Halloween party, but I have no idea what the hell you were supposed to be. Can you please enlighten me?

--Confused.

Confused,

I can understand why you might be confused by my costume. If you had seen Veronica, my girlfriend, it might have been clearer that we were The White Stripes. You know, that rock group that for a time decided to not to reveal if they were siblings or married. Then again, Veronica vetoed the idea of trying to pull off a bad version of Ryan and Marissa (Veronica didn’t want to be dead this year) and I vetoed the idea of pretending to be my father to Veronica’s version of my mother from The Persuit of Happiness that Dick had suggested (there should be days when I'm not allowed to listen to my BFF.) This seemed like a silly alternative to anything.

--Logan

***

Dear Logan,

How do I capture the attention of a former leader of a motorcycle gang? I love a reformed man.

--In love and shy,

Shy,

Spill a drink in the food court. I believe the mop is Weevil’s current weapon of choice. Plus, I hear he’ll do just about anyone for free pizza…

--Logan

***

Dear Logan,

What is your opinion of black licorice?

--Vis-à-vis

Vis-à-vis,

It sucks.

--Logan

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

The Art of the Set-up
by Veronica Mars

There are times when two mutual friends express a desire to get to know each other better. More often than not, another person is asked to help bring these two people together. Given my recent failure to set up two of my friends, I thought it would be nice to provide others with some helpful hints that will insure that mutual friends can enjoy a cup of coffee together without sacrificing two friendships.

DO: make sure that both friends have a genuine interest in dating. If one of them is not willing to take the blind date seriously, the whole situation is a bust. [Editor’s Note: this is especially true when one of the friends may have feelings toward the person setting up the date—not that it happened in this case, but just be warned.]

DON’T: Assume that just because your friends have common interests with you that they will have commonalities with each other. This tip requires that you do a bit of digging into your friend’s personal lives (more than you already might know is better than too little.) If one friend loves heavy metal, and the other only listens to Wagner, you need to work a bit to make sure that there is nothing for them to talk about that won’t devolve into a conversation about how much you, the mutual friend, are a horrible judge of character.

DO: suggest that the potential date happen in a very public place and possibly include other friends to help alleviate some of the tension. This way, your friends can talk to each other, but don't feel the need to only talk to the other person; other conversational partners can be useful, especially if one of them can steer the conversation back to the two being set up. Fun activities where those being set up can be paired are especially helpful to spark conversation. Partnered games of mini-golf or bowling work well in most cases, but refer to my previous DO#1 and make sure both friends are single and have an interest in dating. (Also? Make sure you have enough people for two pairs as a group of three just has 'awkward' written all over it.)

DON’T: hype up each friend so that the date is a letdown to your friends. Being judicious about stories involving one or both of the friends is advantageous because if one person knows a particularly horrific story, the odds are high that it will be shared during the date.

DO: have realistic expectations that things may not work out well. Sunshine and roses don't magically appear out of two friends.

DON’T: Ever ask me to be your matchmaker if you value my friendship at all. Not only does it cause me to have post traumatic stress disorder flashbacks, it just never ends well. So my friends, if one of you likes another, leave me out of it. Call me 'Switzerland', but in this situation, DON'T CALL ME.

How not to be a P.I.
by Eli “Weevil” Navarro

[Editor's note: Although Mr. Weasel, uh, I mean, Weevil, isn't actually a student at this institution, I promised she-who-shall-remain-nameless that I'd give him a shot - as if it's somehow going to keep him out of jail in the future.]

Okay, boys and girls, Eli Navarro here to give you another life's lesson - this one's on how not to be a private dick - sorry, I mean, private eye. For those of you who're sheltered, come from privileged backgrounds, or don't get out much - from what I've seen, that's most of you - a P.I. (private investigator - pee "eye" - get it?) is kind of like a detective, 5-0, y'know, only with brains, unlike the local Sheriff here in Balboa County. The way I see it, a P.I.'s gotta have brains because, again, unlike local law enforcement, he or she don't get paid unless they actually do the job they're hired to do, plus it's a lot easier to get fired. If the current Sheriff was a PI, he'd have been out of a job a long time ago.

I know this chick, or woman, whatever, we'll just call her 'Blondie', but she and her pops got a good little detective agency thing going, and, recently, they asked me to help out. I don't gotta tell you I was flattered to be asked, but it makes sense, when you think about it, because who better to catch someone doin' something wrong than someone who's an expert at wrong-doing - and, yo, that'd be me. Now, before I tell you how not to do the job, I'm gonna give you an idea of how to do it right, okay?

So, anyway, my first day on the job, Mr. M - Blondie's dad - asked me to check out this warehouse. Seems the owner thought one of his guys had sticky fingers and was using his five-fingered, employee discount to help himself to some merch, and the guy, he wanted us to find out who. So Mr. M handed me a big-assed camera and told me stake out the place and snap a few shots. Let me tell you, it looks a lot easier when someone else does it. I went to the warehouse and, making sure no one saw me, got the shots we wanted, only, when I got back to the crib, it looked like the dude we thought was doin' it wasn't. I looked again, though, and there it was, clear as day - it was the other guy, the one who drove the truck and did pick ups and deliveries.

Okay, so, on the next job - and here's the part where you're supposed to learn from my mistakes - he sent me to get pictures of woman supposedly abusing her kid. Problem was, when I got there, she wasn't the one doin' it, and when I saw her boyfriend wailing on the rugrat, I snapped. I blew my cover, dropped Mr. M's expensive camera, and sucker punched the dude. I gotta be honest, it felt good to hit him. It didn't feel so great the next day, though, when I found out I cost my boss one a his clients. Then I got fired. Blondie was nice about it, but it sucked all the same.

So, the moral of the story, kiddies, is when you're hired to watch and get pictures, you better make sure that's all you do. And, if you're gonna do something more, take the law into your own hands, you better make sure you don't get caught doin' it. There is a happy ending, though. I got a new gig, so my parole officer's happy and I ain't going back to the clink any time soon. I'm the newest maintenance man at Hearst College, so if you see me around campus, holla. And, hey, if you're the blonde chick in the pink halter who was sitting about half way up, in the middle section of Dr. Landry's crim 101 class, my shift's over at four.

Sound Off: Horror Movies
Moderator: Logan Echolls

You have entered room “Sound_Off,” October 28, 2006, 4:20 PM.
Logan_Echolls: Welcome to this week’s Sound Off. It’s the time of year for great horror movies, and Wallace and I thought we’d discuss some of the best scary movies, or movie series we remember growing up. I’ll start with one that’s held up over time, the Hitchcock classic, Psycho.
Veronica_Mars: I don’t think anyone can argue with that one. If you enjoy horror movies, Hitchcock is the perfect starting point. Psycho will scare you more than Chucky or Bride of Chucky, that’s for sure!
Cindy_Mackenzie: I don’t know about you, but Chucky is the reason I never let my Mom buy me dolls, and I’m a fan of scary movies.
Logan_Echolls: I prefer action or drama. Scary movies are just a good excuse to snuggle on the couch with your girl and have her jump into your arms.
Dick_Casablancas: I think Putz wants to snuggle with your girl…
Stosh_Piznarski: What? And my name is ‘Piz’, not ‘Putz’. P-I-Z. PIZ. It’s not that hard.
Dick_Casablancas: Oh right, like Piss.
Stosh_Piznarski: This coming from a guy named Dick?
Dick_Casablancas: Hey, that’s dirty! There are ladies present!
Stosh_Piznarski: I’m pretty sure I’m not the perverted one.
Dick_Casablancas: Whatever, Putz. I notice you didn’t correct the part about wanting to snuggle with Veronica though…
Wallace_Fennel: And once again, we’re running off topic. Dick, how about you stick to horror movies since you know it’s going to be V that you should be scared of if you try to start something?
Dick_Casablancas: Hey, I was just sayin. There’s no reason to threaten me.
Wallace_Fennel: That wasn’t a threat.
Veronica_Mars: Ohh, I can think of several reasons to threaten you, Dick. Parker, do you have any favorites?
Parker_Lee: I loved the Scream trilogy, and I Know What you Did Last Summer. They’re classic teenage horror movies and my friends and I used to watch them at every sleepover party. What about you Mac? What did you and your friends watch at slumber parties?
Cindy_Mackenzie: As my Mom would say, the other ‘freakball’ vegans and I didn’t really do slumber parties, but when we had movie nights we watched other classics like The Exorcist and The Amityville Horror.
Wallace_Fennel: Amityville Horror was great! I got V to go see that with me in the theatre. It was worth it, even though I ended up wearing most of her popcorn and soda.
Logan_Echolls: Hey, wait a minute! How did you get her to see go see a horror movie in the theatre?? I tried to get her to go see Saw III, but she said she wanted to wait for the DVD because she’d end up screaming like a girl in public and it would ruin her ‘bad-ass detective’ reputation…
Wallace_Fennel: It was easy, man. She figured she wouldn’t be scared because it was a re-make, plus I showed her the picture of Ryan Reynolds’ six-pack abs and she almost broke the speed limit getting there.
Logan_Echolls: I don’t think that will work for Saw III…
Veronica_Mars: Not unless Tobin Bell got a lot hotter while I wasn’t looking. Besides, I like it when we stay in and watch movies together. Wallace, what are some of the favorites you watched growing up?
Wallace_Fennel: I gotta show some love for A Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the 13th. Whether you were watching it at home with your friends or in the theatre, it was always fun. You could scream and yell at the TV or movie screen but you knew Freddy or Jason weren’t going to jump out of your closet later that night and kill you.
Dick_Casablancas: I loved Friday the 13th movies. They used to scare the crap out of Beaver. You should have seen his face that one time I jumped out of his closet in a hockey mask.
Cindy_Mackenzie: I’m sure that really helped things…
Wallace_Fennel: Let’s get back on topic before we head into cage-match territory again. So, Piz, what are your favorites?
Stosh_Piznarski: I like all the ones you guys mentioned, but what do you think about some of the newer ones like The Grudge or Pulse?
Veronica_Mars: I liked the Japanese version of Pulse, but I didn’t get the whole dryer thing when I finally saw the American version. If the infection was spread through a wireless connection, why were they coming out of the dryer? Unless I’m way behind the times, dryers aren’t wireless.
Logan_Echolls: The shower scene with the hot blonde lead actress was a good enough reason for me to watch it.
Veronica_Mars: Of course that’s what you’d think.
Logan_Echolls: You know what they say about people who live in glass houses, Veronica. Considering you went to see the remake of Amityville Horror just to ogle Ryan Reynolds, I don’t think you have any room to judge.
Wallace_Fennel: He got you there, V.
Stosh_Piznarski: What other types of movies do you like, Veronica?
Logan_Echolls: How about you just stick to the topic, Piz? We’re discussing horror movies. Better yet, why don’t you ask Mac or Parker what movies they like to watch? They’re single.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Personally, I used to prefer ‘smart’ horror movies that were more about suspense than gore. Those horror movies give you nightmares though, and my therapist said I should try to avoid giving myself any more nightmares. Give me Slither any day!
Wallace_Fennel: I don’t think you can count Slither as a horror movie, even if there were zombies.
Parker_Lee: I saw that one. Do funny horror movies count as real horror movies?
Stosh_Piznarski: I don’t think so. Then we’d have to include things like Young Frankenstein or Shaun of the Dead. I think comedic horror movies are a separate genre.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Fine. Then I vote for Alien and The Shining as two of my favorites.
Veronica_Mars: The Shining was one of the few movie adaptations that were as great as the original book.
Logan_Echolls: I don’t think you can go wrong with Jack Nicholson.
Wallace_Fennel: I’d go on about how great he was in The Departed, but contrary to what the title implies, it’s not a horror movie. Anyway, I think we’ve covered the genre from Hitchcock to Kubrick. What about John Carpenter? Some people call him the ‘master of the horror film’.
Logan_Echolls: You mean the guy who directed Halloween and The Thing?
Stosh_Piznarski: Halloween probably should be a ‘classic’ since it spawned so many knock offs.
Veronica_Mars: If we’re talking about the best of the best, we can’t leave out Silence of the Lambs or The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Wallace_Fennel: Silence of the Lambs gave me nightmares for a week.
Logan_Echolls: I think we’ve covered most people’s favorites. Dick, any final thoughts from you?
Veronica_Mars: That was a rhetorical question, right? I didn’t think Dick had thoughts.
Dick_Casablancas: Funny. What happened to the Spy Who Loved Me, Mars?
Logan_Echolls: Topic, people. Not to mention, if you keep talking about my girlfriend loving you, I’m going to have to kick your ass.
Veronica_Mars: Can I watch?
Dick_Casablancas: Dude! Have you noticed your girlfriend’s a little bloodthirsty?
Logan_Echolls: Yeah, I got that when she mentioned the piano wire last week. Do you have any other favorite horror movies other than Friday the 13th?
Dick_Casablancas: American Psycho is one of my favorites.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Seriously! Is he trying to provoke me or is he just that dumb?
Veronica_Mars: Now that’s a rhetorical question if I ever heard one…
Stosh_Piznarski: Why do I feel like I’m still missing something?
Logan_Echolls: Because you are?
Wallace_Fennel: Dude, you can be a little nicer to my roomie, you know? I still haven’t filled him in from last week.
Logan_Echolls: I’ll work on it right after I’m done helping little old ladies across the street.
Parker_Lee: Logan’s always nice to me.
Logan_Echolls: I’ll always be nice to you Parker - unless you suddenly decide to become a lesbian and try to steal my girlfriend. Then all bets are off.
Veronica_Mars: How is this a discussion of horror movies again? It sounds more like a pig-like conversation between you and Dick.
Logan_Echolls: Hey, if I was a pig, the conversation would have gone a lot differently.
Cindy_Mackenzie: He does have a point there.
Veronica_Mars: How about we get back on topic? If Dick says what I think he’s going to, I won’t be able to adhere to the ‘no-violence’ rule.
Dick_Casablancas: I wasn’t going to say anything, but hot lesbians do rule. Just remember, if you ever decide to get a little freaky, make sure you take a lot of pictures!
Wallace_Fennel: Okay, we need to finish up this Sound Off before that mental image is burned onto my retinas and scars me for life. I’m sure there are a few classics people will think we were wrong to leave out, so drop us a note and maybe we’ll discuss it some other time. There’s always next year!
Stosh_Piznarski: Lots of things can change in a year…
Logan_Echolls: I’m pretty sure next year I’ll still want you to be devoured by an alien slug, Piz. Or gouged by a Killer Zombie Unicorn.
Veronica_Mars: And on that lovely note, I think I’m going to declare Sound Off officially over. Thank you and good night! We’re here all week. Try the veal!

Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, queen_haq, raelee,rindee, rowanceleste, simple_honesty and spadada.

Volume 2: Issue 3

2006-10-31T20:30:49Z

You may have noticed that we are late posting the blog this week. I would apologize, but based on the amount of comments we received last time, I am not sure that many people are still reading this. Plus, if you saw me on Larry King Live, you know I have plenty of excuses. Also, everybody has abandoned me. At this point I am pretty sure Mac has been kidnapped by Cylons and Wallace was just a figment of my imagination. Dick is Dick, Parker has forsaken us, and Putz seems to think radio is the new internet...

Gia is the most diligent member of neptune_online and she doesn't even live in Neptune. Read her recaps of Bloodlust and Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things if you need proof.

So what I am saying is, it's not my fault. If I had some help from people other than afrocurl, bennet_7, cindywrites, raelee, rowanceleste, skk670, and spadada, I might have been able to post this before Halloween. If you want the next installment to come out before Thanksgiving, you should join the team. All you need is an irreverent sense of humor and some time on your hands. Though it wouldn't hurt if you had talent in the writing, editing, web design, graphic arts, or fluffing departments.

And finally, you guys don't know what you are talking about. Dr. Cox would wreck Dr. House in a fight. I am going to protest the results of this poll by forcing Veronica to TiVo House and watch something else at nine o'clock tonight. Join me and I might forgive you for being stupid.

Sometimes You Just Gotta Say,
"What the Frak."
by Veronica Mars with Logan Echolls

SPOILER WARNING:
Spoilers for already-aired episodes of Battlestar Galactica

Logan_Echolls: Veronica and I have been reviewing The Office from time to time, but that's not all I've gotten her into.

Veronica_Mars: True. I've also been drugged and shot at while enjoying the pleasure of your company, but let's don't get as personal as we did last week.

LE: Ha. No. Ha. Now, thanks to yours truly, Veronica has become an overnight Battlestar Galactica fan.

VM: Logan's a long time viewer, but I'd never even seen a promo, so we watched The Story So Far -- a clip episode summarizing the first two seasons -- a week or so before the season 3 premiere. As of Friday night, I've now watched all four hours of season 3 that have aired. And frak. Like the frakking time between frakking Fridays wasn't frakking long enough before I found this frakking show! I frakking LOVE it.

LE: Oh, dear. And, she's been at me all day to lend her my DVDs. So Veronica, I think I know the answer to this already, but what hooked you?

VM: Wow. You know, I've never thought of myself as a Sci-Fi fan, but so far I've found the stories on Battlestar Galactica so compelling that the sci-fi/space cowboy stuff is incidental for me.

LE: Even in this last episode? C'mon! Did you see the Galactica just fall fall fall fall, drop the vipers and then bam! Jump! How rad was that?!?

VM: Um? The raddest?

LE: After you went home, I was reading through the Battlestar Galactica forum at TWoP. I think a poster named "Hugin" put it best (some of this is going to hit the language filter, but I don't care) when s/he said:

Adama jumped the entire ******* Battlestar into atmosphere.

What? What? Who does that?

I'm fairly certain that voids the hell out of the warranty. I'm fairly certain there's little red and yellow stickers on the underside of
Galactica that say:

"Warning, Do Not Plow Into Some Planet's Unsuspecting Stratosphere Like The World's Grimmest And Most Heavily Armored Fat Kid Jumping Into A Pool Full Of People He Hates Screaming Cannonball With A Grenade In His Teeth, Yeah, We're Talking To You Adama [link]

VM: You're right. That had me jumping out of my seat. You omitted what I think was the point of that post, though:

If I'm a Humlon, and I look out of the window of my compound and see this... psychotic act of badassery, in my heart I know we're just never going to subjugate or defeat these people.

That's where I can be an action fan, when it is not gratuitous. That scene with the Galactica shows me so much about Adama, and about those
humans, and how they've managed to survive. I also was thrilled by Apollo disobeying his father's orders and bringing the Pegasus to the
fight, knowing it could only end in sacrifice. All that power. All that technology. The Pegasus! It's the only hope of the remainder of
the Human race not on New Caprica if the mission fails and Galactica falls. And what does Apollo do? He disregards a direct order, and
plunges headlong into battle, because he can't not! You want him to. You're expecting him to. You even know he will, but when you pause to
ponder that he's gambling the species! It was so morally complex. That's what I love about the series -- its many shades of grey.

LE: Hey, I resemble that remark.

VM: Yes, because illicit poker games, skipping class and streaking on campus are just like sleeping with a skin job you hate and turning Benedict Arnold on your whole race, to liberate the man you love more than life itself, so that he can risk his life to save the very race you've just further endangered.

LE: Yes.

VM: Is it also like resigning yourself to killing the love of your life who has betrayed you (and your cause) in order to save you, before someone else does it more brutally, only to have her ask for the cup of poison and you know, and you know she knows and yet you wait 'til she's gone to tell her you love her?

LE: Exactly like that. Whereas violating the privacy of an intimate is all black and white and wrong all over.

VM: Moving right along. I kind of like that there are two prior seasons I've yet to see, just waiting for me to discover them. I wouldn't have thought it was this easy to jump into a serial drama in its third season, but I got into Battlestar Galactica so quickly, I'm now considering a whole bunch of shows. That new network, The CW, has a couple that look juicy. The stuff I haven't watched is just a bonus. I can go back in time, incorporate my knowledge from the current episodes into my interpretation of what's happened in the past. It's a bit like investigating a mystery.

LE: I knew it! I so had you pegged. You touch on something interesting there, too. (No. Save that for later.)

VM: (My father reads this, as he made patently clear after last week's entry.)

LE: Well then get your mind out of the gutter, young lady. Seriously, I've never understood why people would be reluctant to start watching a television series, just because it's been on for a couple of seasons. It's only TV. There's not that much good TV out there; what's good deserves our support.

VM: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. That was Logan Echolls, well known patron of the arts. Now, aesthetician that you are, tell me what draws you to Battlestar Galactica.

LE: Well, of course I appreciate all you've mentioned above, and really the special effects last night were film quality work on not just a TV budget, but a non-HBO cable station budget. Still, and in my considered opinion as resident aesthetician, the best reason to watch Battlestar Galactica is Kara "Starbuck" Thrace. She's my TV girlfriend and I thank the gods for giving Ron D. Moore the cojones to refuse to make Starbuck a man. Smart, spunky, tough, blonde, butch-but-all-woman and recently particularly and prettily broken.

VM: Hey, I resemble that remark.

LE: Well, I am an aesthetician. Now, what do I get for getting you into two great TV shows? I mean, The Office and Battlestar Galactica. There ought to be a reward of some kind.

VM: Well, we share an interest. I'm calling that a win. But, you didn't get me into The Office, Logan; Wallace did.

LE: If memory serves, Wallace told you to watch The Office, then promptly left town. He's more adept at subterfuge and diversionary tactics than you'd think.

VM: You maybe, but not me. I taught him everything he knows.

LE: I realized that, but just a moment too late to get out of my term paper. Whatever. I'll let him take credit for The Office. Battlestar Galactica is all me, though.

VM: Yeah, except not really at all. It was Moe.

LE: Who the ho's Moe?

VM: Moe -- Wallace's R.A. Actually, Moe and Tim Goodman got me into BSG.

LE: 'BSG'. You're already calling it 'BSG'. At least you're prettier than the average geek. Now, Tim Goodman's no relation to our former 'Mayor' right, because there's an ick factor...

VM: I don't think so, although that might explain how Gia found SPN.

LE: 'SPN'? Do you mean ESPN?

VM: No. SPN is fandom-speak for Supernatural.

LE: Ah. Ackles.

VM: That's better expressed, "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Ackles." But anyhow, Tim Goodman is a TV Critic for the San Francisco Chronicle. I read his blog occasionally, and earlier this month, he told new viewers, "It's not too late to jump aboard 'Battlestar Galactica'."

LE: That Tim Goodman? *cough*hack*cough* I stopped reading his blog when he referred to Buffy the Vampire Slayer and some detective show as if they were of the same genre. Still, even a stopped clocked is right twice a day, so I'll cop to the fact that he wasn't wrong about BSG. Now how does this Joe Blow fit in?

VM: Moe. He introduced me to the profanity of the future.

LE: What the frak?

VM: Exactly.

LE: Uh, yeah. I was playing along.

VM: The frak you were.

LE: I've been watching since the beginning. Don't you think I noticed your frakking Tourette's before we started writing this discussion? But enough about you. What about me? I worked you over all summer, and you're telling me you only caved because a so-called 'critic' had something nice to say for a change, and some frelling greebol you just met taught you frak?

Veronica_Mars: Frelling greebol?

LE: Never mind. It's a whole other 'verse.

VM: Greebol. Greebol. I don't think so. Frelling has potential, but it's no frak. The sounds are too soft. For release, nothing beats a good guttural. Frakkity frak frak and the McFrakkers, I love frak.

LE: May the gods have mercy on us all.

Costume Up!
by Wallace Fennel

There’s a common misconception among the general populous that Spring Break is the holiday college students enjoy the most. I’m here to tell you that Halloween has actually surpassed it, by far. There have been Halloween parties here at Hearst every weekend since the end of September. And the best part about these parties? Everyone’s invited. Show up in costume on and you’re in!

Only problem is that there are too many parties. It’s not cool to show up in the same costume twice and I ran out of costume ideas two weekends ago. So I hit up some of the cast and crew —err, staff— of Neptune Online for some ideas. Because I’m a generous guy (and V hooked me up with another costume source), I’m sharing them with you. Just remember, if you win a costume contest, you owe me 30% of the prize.

I’ll start with some of my own suggestions, although not my best ideas because I can’t be giving away all of my secrets:

50 Cent: No, not the rapper although it’d be great if you get paid what he gets paid for making an appearance. The easy way to do this one? Tape two quarters to your chest. The more creative way? Use t-shirt transfer paper and make a t-shirt with two quarters on it.
iPod Commercial: Dress in all black and cover any exposed skin with black make-up. Carry around an iPod (make sure you’re using the white headphones with this one!) and dance your way around the party.
King Con: Get something that looks like a prison jumper (any plain jumper will do, if you write “Balboa County Jail” on the back along with a prisoner number) or a black/white stripped shirt with black pants. Cap it off with a crown. Now you’re the King Con.

Mac, who might be showing off her technological roots here, had the following suggestions:

Web Designer: You can wear regular clothes or you can for a artsy/designer type of look but then get some of those fake spider webs at the store and stick bits and pieces to your clothes and hair. Carry the rest of the webs in a bag labeled ‘SILK’. Then whenever someone asks what you are, show them by ‘designing’ a web for them.
Web Surfer: Good for the surfers out there, just wear board shorts, a t-shirt, and flip flops. Stick fake spider webs to the bottom of your surf board and carry it along. (If you’re worried about getting scratches on your precious board, just leave out the surf board bit and stick the spider webs all over yourself and say you’re a web surfer who wiped out!)
MAC & PC: For anyone who’s got a partner for this Halloween, go as MAC and PC from the new Apple commercials. One dresses in fun/trendy clothes and the other dresses in a stuffy neutral-colored suit with a tie. You can even make name tags, one with the Apple logo and one with the Windows logo. Have fun with it. The person playing PC can “freeze” unexpectedly during conversations or randomly declare that he/she needs to reboot and leave to go get a drink. The person playing MAC can bring a beach ball as a prop and spin it on his/her finger if stuck in a conversation that needs force quitting.

Dick, not surprisingly, had some simple costume ideas:

Chippendale Dancer: Dude. Easiest. Costume. Ever. Black bowtie around your neck, no shirt, and black pants. Wear your favorite speedo in case you find a chick who wants a dance. (Make sure she has some bills first. If she wants a dance, she’s got to pay. Unless she’s got a smoking bod, then you should exchange a dance for a dance, if you know what I mean.)
Sexy Maid: Chicks can’t go wrong with this one. Hit up Frederick’s of Hollywood for one of those black and white maid costumes, wear fishnet stockings and high heels, and carry a feather duster. Just make sure you clean up the room before you leave.

Veronica, usually quite the master of disguise, also had some fairly simple suggestions:

Candy Wrapper: Dress as you like. Carry a bag with wrapping supplies (a roll of wrapping paper, tape, and scissors) and assorted candies. When people ask what you are tell them you’re a candy wrapper and offer to wrap up some candy for them. You can also come with some pre-wrapped candy instead so you can just offer them some of your wrapped candy instead of having to actually wrap anything.
Little Red Riding Hood: Another easy one, wear a red hood (or make one out of red felt) and carry a basket of snickerdoodles.
Sugar Daddy: For the guy who wants something sweet and easy wear all black (any neutral color will do) and pin candy to yourself. Works even better if you use actual Sugar Daddies.

And, finally, our infamous [Editor’s note: I prefer to be known as ‘esteemed,’ thank you very much.] editor, Logan, proved you don’t need creativity to get dressed up:

Man in a Mask: Do I seriously need to explain this one? You get a mask, you wear it. Additional clothing optional.
Alternatively, guys, you can be God’s Gift to Women: Stick a red bow to your head and tie a gift tag around your neck that reads “TO: Women, FROM: God.” Clothing still optional.
Naughty Schoolgirl: Since you have to be a man for my first suggestion, if you’re a woman, I suggest you get a short plaid mini skirt, black bra, white button up shirt unbuttoned and tied at the waist, knee-high socks, and black saddle shoes. Put your hair up in pigtails and we’re in business. When visiting a Man in a Mask in his hotel room, most of this clothing is also optional.
Alternatively, girls, a Naughty Soccer Player is just as effective: Wear a soccer uniform (short shorts please!), knee socks, pleats, and hair still in pigtails. Uniform? Optional.

Hmmm, well some of the staff certainly have one track minds but they definitely came up with some unique ideas. And, now that I’ve shared them with you, you have no excuse for not attending the next Halloween party. Go forth and be scary little goblins. Happy Trick or Treating!

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

Please settle a bet between my friend and me. If you’ve been in class with a hot guy for a few weeks and you’ve never heard him mention his girlfriend, does that mean he’s single? My friend said it may just mean that he doesn’t feel the need to bring up his girlfriend in every conversation, but I say it means he’s either single or wants to be single…What do you think?

--Interested

Dear Interested,

As one who is considered to be a hot guy, I’d have to say that you’d lose that bet. Just because a guy doesn’t tout his ‘taken’ status like it’s a form of protection does not mean he wants to be single. For instance, I’m taken, but you don’t hear me shouting it from the rooftops unless I think there’s a guy that’s trying to horn in on my girl. Why don’t you ask the guy you’re interested in whether or not he’s single? If that doesn’t work for you, let me know and I can always consult my Ouija board instead.

[Editor’s note: I’d like to mention this again for those that maybe thick-skulled…Veronica Mars is TAKEN, as in, not single. She’s also admitted to being pathological, so anyone interested in me should probably cut their losses unless they want to find themselves on the wrong end of a piece of piano wire. To anyone interested in Veronica, I know where her taser is kept and I won’t hesitate to use it. Consider yourself warned.]

--Logan

***

Hey Logan,

This jerk friend of mine has been telling people that I’m a ‘one-minute man’ and it’s totally ruining my reputation with the ladies! I can’t punch the guy because he let me crash with him for a few days, but now the ladies start laughing when they see me. What should I do?

--The Ladies Man

Dear Dick,

Sorry about that, dude. My bad. If you want to get back your stud muffin reputation, why don’t you focus on what those ladies want instead? Junior shouldn’t be the only one having a good time…

--Logan

***

Dear Logan,

My girlfriend never wears dresses and can be considered somewhat tomboy-like as she can kick my ass at PGA Tour 2007. How do I tell her that I want her to be more of a girl sometimes?

--Girl Lover

Dear GL,

As long as your girl looks like a girl when she’s naked, I wouldn’t sweat the rest. If you’re more into the dress thing than the actual girl, I heard the Zeta Thetas are all about the floral dresses.

--Logan

P.S. If your girl can bench press more than your body weight, then I’d start to worry.

***

Dear Logan,

If you know your boyfriend doesn’t have class and he hasn’t called you to make plans, is it okay to call him? Should I just wait for him to call me instead?

--Trying

Dear Trying,

As one who has to deal with a girlfriend that is sometimes ‘trying’ as well, I give you this advice: It’s okay for you to call. Just don’t bug him.

--Logan

***

Dear Logan,

I am meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time this weekend. I really want to make a good impression on them. Any advice?

--About to Meet the Parents

Dear AtMtP,

First of all, no calling your girlfriend 'bobcat' or 'tiger' or any other nickname that may imply that she's a wildcat in or out of bed. In fact, make sure you don't make any references to your sex life if you want that sex life to continue. You also need to make sure you keep your eyes above shoulder level at all times. I don't care if your girlfriend bends over or leans forward. Your girlfriend's father does not want you appreciating his daughter's assets unless you're talking about her fine mind and sparkling wit. Last but not least, even if your girl appreciates a bad boy, her parents don't, so keep any bad boy tendencies to yourself. Good luck!

-Logan

***

Dear Logan,

I want to go out and party with my friends, but I'm scared of what's been happening on campus lately. I don't want to be stuck hanging out in the library while my friends are having a good time. What should I do?

-Wants to Have Fun

Dear WtHF,

This is a valid concern and it's important to balance having fun with being safe. If you're going out, whether it's to a frat or to a bar, make sure you don't accept open containers from strangers and make sure you watch your drink being poured. If you put your drink down, consider it a goner because you don't want to pick it up unless you've had your eye on it the entire time. My girlfriend carries a taser, but even Mr. Sparky can't save you from being roofied and you can't protect yourself if you're passed out. It's also important to remember, if you go out with friends, make sure you leave with them. Never desert your wingman. I'd also like to say that hanging out at the library can be a lot more fun than you would think. I'd recommend the top floor if you and a favorite guy want to 'explore' the library some night.

--Logan

Have a question for me?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

Life's a Beach
by Stosh "Piz" Piznarski

Writer’s Note: This is my first article and my first time writing. I’m doing this as a favor for a good friend. She said that all I had to do was find a topic I liked and write about it. I warned her I was a terrible typist and she set me up with this little recorder thingy. Man, is it ever tiny! I almost lost it a couple of times. Anyway, she said to just dictate the article and the webmistress would transcribe it for me. How cool is that? So, I hope you like it! And thanks, Mac!

They say ‘when in Rome, do as the Roman’s do’. I figured that also applied to the fair city of Neptune. So I decided to do what the Neptionians do. A quick investigation of campus life led me to – you guessed it – the beach. This is Southern California, after all, the land of blue skies, balmy temperatures and bikini babes. Which isn’t to say that my hometown of Beaverton doesn’t have all those things – it does. We don’t have an ocean, but we do have the Columbia River and Smith Lake in Portland, so that’s cool. It’s just not year-round enjoyment as it is here at Hearst College. And there is so much to enjoy on the beach.

But before I get into my topic, here’s a hint for those of you who are not in the know, just in case you’re short on time. You don’t really have to go to the beach to enjoy these things. Check out the south lawn by the sculptures to see what I mean. It’s a great location for a killer game of hackey sack and bird watching. To paraphrase my good friend, it’s not often that you get to see them in the natural habitat. Such gentle yet elusive creatures. Hmm…gentle? Yes. Elusive? Maybe, but then, maybe not. I’m currently investigating ways to get a little Tweety Bird of my own.

But I digress. Anyway, back to the beach. After spending a little bit of time soaking in the local color I noticed that most of the beach-goers gravitated to the surf. So I asked my friend, who is a local Neptune resident, about it. She’s a real sweetheart and told me all about the surf scene. She also told me that some guys really get into surfing. So I thought I’d give it a whirl.

I went down to the pro shop to ask some questions. Warning! If you’ve never been in a surf shop before, be prepared for sticker shock. The minimum price of a surf board is 500 smackers. The bigger the board, the more money it costs. To add insult to injury, the big boards are for the new surfers. Size does matter in surfing. The more you surf, the smaller your equipment gets. Kinda makes me wonder if that applies to all of a surfer’s equipment? Maybe I should mention that to my friend who hangs out with the surfer dude.

Sorry, back to the article. Anyway, as you get steadier on the board, you buy smaller and smaller boards – at $500.00 a pop. That’s your first big outlay. Wetsuits are the next big purchase, but we don’t really need those here so close to balmy San Diego. However, if you go even as short distance north as Los Angeles, the water can get cold enough that you’ll want to put out the $300.00 bucks to protect your assets. The second purchase for a new surfer in Neptune is lessons. Surf lessons normally run about $65.00 per hour. The pro told me I could rent a surf board while having lessons. This will run an additional $10.00 - $15.00 at each lesson, based on the size of the board. But it may be the way to go if your goal is to be a better surfer and go smaller. Man, isn’t California great or what? Where else can a guy brag about how small is equipment is and still get to be treated like he’s a hero?

Umm...lost focus there for a minute. So, where was I? Oh yeah, the article. So, I’ve decided to take some lessons. Surfing is a popular sport around here and a good way to strengthening your abs and your arms while working on your tan. That’s another great thing about living and studying in Southern California. You can do almost anything and still work on your tan. But a word of advice from my close friend: she says to stock up on the sunscreen. The water reflects the sun’s rays and makes them stronger. The idea is to look tanned and healthy, not sun-baked and dried out.

Wash the sunscreen off as soon as you get home and rub in lots of moisturizer to keep your skin smooth and supple. My friend is a blue-eyed blond with skin as soft and creamy as fresh-whipped butter, so she knows all about having touchable, kissable skin. And she’s smart, too. She advises using water-proof sunscreen specially designed for active use with an SPF of 45 or even greater. She says the fairer your coloring, the high the SPF you should use. And she knows all about being the fairest of them all. Did I mention how smart she was? ‘Cause she’s both.

So, take care of yourself and protect yourself. The sun is one of the greatest gifts we’ve got, along with our friends and the ones we want to love. Enjoy every day and live it to the fullest. Remember, you only get one shot at living, so make it your best – every day!

Another Author’s Note: I hope you all enjoyed my first article. If you liked it, I’ll do an article on my first surfing lesson. I’m going to try to get my friend to go with me, since she knows so much about surfing and all. She’s also toned and athletic so she’d be a dream to watch on the surf board. I saw her the other day in her field hockey uniform and – wait. I didn’t know she played field hockey. Should I report on that instead? I’d better send her an e-mail and check. And I can let her know that I’m taking good care of the recorder she gave me. She’s sweet like that. Anyway, I hope you liked this and I hope the editor knows how to edit. I was kinda nervous and got ahead of myself sometimes. I’m looking forward to hearing from you guys!

[Editor's note deleted by webmaster.]

A Very Special Buffy
by Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie

The Halloween episode is a favorite of mine going all the way back to Roseanne. Yeah it's cliche and every show does it, but come on, you love seeing your favorite characters in costume. And though most people would cite The Simpsons here, for me, there is nothing better than a late October episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

When you deal with ghouls and demons every week, the Halloween special needs to stand out. A few stand out more than others, of course, and I know what my favorite is. But I want to know yours.

View Poll: Halloween in Sunnydale

[Editor's note: As pointed out by a reader in the comments, the third selection in the poll above was not a Halloween special and the episode was in fact called "Band Candy." In light of this mistake and the entry I was not allowed to edit, dictation will no longer be an option for writers. If you can't type your own work--either because you are driving or inept--you will simply not be allowed to contribute. Also, the appropriate response to this poll has nothing to do with vampire slayers.]

Sound Off: Media Intrusion
Moderator: Logan Echolls

You have entered room: Sound Off
Logan_Echolls: Welcome to this week’s Sound Off. In honor of my foray back into the public eye, I thought we’d talk about the over intrusion of the media in modern society.
Veronica_Mars: While we could do without the paparazzi photographing the cellulite on Paris Hilton’s thighs or speculating on Jennifer Aniston’s love life, the extensive media coverage in today’s world can do some good.
Logan_Echolls: You mean like exposing Tom Cruise as a complete nut job?
Wallace_Fennel: I don’t think that’s what she means... Right, V?
Veronica_Mars: Right, Wallace. I mean while the intrusion of media is generally construed as negative, the media has also been able to give visibility to human rights violations across the globe and ethnic wars where children are being forced to join the army.
Logan_Echolls: How about we just stick with talking about the paparazzi? I have no qualms about hating those people and I can’t see their benefit.
Wallace_Fennel: That makes sense. While media in general has a purpose, I really don’t need the paparazzi showing me that Brad Pitt picks up his newspaper in the nude. Angelina Jolie? Yes. Brad Pitt? No.
Stosh_Piznarski: You told me you liked Brad Pitt.
Wallace_Fennel: You’re about to lose your roommate privileges, Piz. I said that Brad Pitt was good in Ocean’s Eleven; I didn’t say I wanted to see him naked!
Logan_Echolls: I wouldn’t be surprised. You seemed to admire the goods when I lost that bet.
Veronica_Mars: While I’m sure you’d prefer we discuss your assets for the Sound Off, how about we get back on topic?
Stosh_Piznarski: Thank God!
Logan_Echolls: I prefer admiring your assets anyway…and I mean Veronica, not you, Piz.
Veronica_Mars: I would hope that’s what you meant. Anyway, we all know the paparazzi are about sensationalism and broadcasting the intimate details of people’s lives for public consumption, but can anyone think of a reason why paparazzi should not be run out of town?
Dick_Casablancas: They’re entertaining. I don’t mind knowing who Jessica Alba is banging, plus how would I be able to know who’s currently the world’s most sexiest celebrity without them?
Logan_Echolls: You could always ask Trina.
Veronica_Mars: Considering last summer, Dick, I would think you’d have no love of the paparazzi either…
Stosh_Piznarski: What happened last summer?
Wallace_Fennel: Don’t worry, man. I’ll explain later.
Cindy_Mackenzie: I can’t think of one positive thing to say about paparazzi. They always seem to take a bad situation and make it worse and they never seem to get the story right.
Logan_Echolls: You can say that again.
Parker_Lee: The editor from the Hearst paper interviewed me, but I’ve never been hounded by paparazzi. I don’t think I’d be able to deal with it.
Veronica_Mars: I think my ‘favorite’ article was when the National Enquirer accused me of trying and failing to seduce Aaron Echolls, which was why I was testifying against him. My Dad loved that article.
Logan_Echolls: Gee and my favorite was the one that implied you were using your feminine wiles on Deputy D’amato and me to get us to frame my father for Lilly’s murder.
Wallace_Fennel: And here I thought Veronica just used her feminine wiles to get you to go to class.
Stosh_Piznarski: That would work for me, but I go to my classes, anyway. I wouldn’t mind though.
Logan_Echolls: Shut up, Piz. Those wiles are for me only.
Veronica_Mars: Well, I also use them on behalf of my clients…
Dick_Casablancas: That sounds dirty! I’m one of your clients, Ronnie. Wanna use your wiles on me?
Veronica_Mars: I said ‘on behalf of my clients’, not ‘on my clients’, Dick. You’re also not a client anymore. Your case was closed.
Cindy_Mackenzie: We’re getting off-topic again. I don’t think Veronica wants to continue to talk about her ‘wiles’. Parker, what do you think of the paparazzi and media intrusion in today’s society?
Parker_Lee: Well, I think the paparazzi are the reason there are so many celebrities today with eating disorders. Who wouldn’t feel intense pressure to be thinner when the media is focusing on everyone’s imperfections?
Stosh_Piznarski: You girls look great so don’t let some paparazzi guy make you think differently.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Thanks, Piz. That’s sweet.
Logan_Echolls: He’s practically candy-coated. Anyway, I think we’re all pretty much agreed that the paparazzi are about exploitation, invasion of privacy and yellow journalism.
Cindy_Mackenzie: What about people like Larry King or Nancy Grace? They’re not paparazzi but they seem to focus on sensationalist stories.
Dick_Casablancas: That Nancy Grace chick kept hounding me before I went to visit my Dad. I thought Ronnie was a ball-buster, but she’s got nothing on that woman.
Stosh_Piznarski: Nancy Grace seems a little intense and she does always seem to focus on the stories that are in the tabloids. Why was she hounding you?
Veronica_Mars: Don’t worry about it, Piz. Wallace seems to be filling you in on all the Neptune gossip and he said he’ll tell you later.
Wallace_Fennel: Hey! I’m not a gossip! I’m just telling the man what he needs to know so he’s not lost in this town. It’s not his fault that he’s not used to be people whose lives are tabloid fodder.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Well, I don’t know if Logan or Veronica can do it, but I plan on staying out of the tabloids this year. I like my anonymity.
Dick_Casablancas: I wouldn’t mind being in the tabloids if they were just focusing on me having an ass like Marky Mark. I don’t want to be accused of being the raper or anything.
Veronica_Mars: It’s rapist, Dick. You’re frakking hopeless and I don’t know why I’m surprised that you’re being that insensitive.
Logan_Echolls: Well, at least you’ve proved he’s just a pig, not a rapist.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, sorry. I mean, sorry, Parker. I guess I wasn’t thinking. I know the media’s been focusing on the rapes and I don’t want anyone to think I did it because it would make it really hard for me to get a date, you know?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Way to focus on the important things. Your father named you well, Dick.
Logan_Echolls: I think we’re getting off topic again. Any final thoughts on the paparazzi or media intrusion in today’s society?
Veronica_Mars: Other than it’s good that they’re really scared of pit bulls? No.
Wallace_Fennel: Just that I’d be open to photographs of Halle Barry picking up her newspaper in the nude.
Logan_Echolls: Duly noted. I think most guys would be fine with that except for the guy actually dating Halle Barry. Anyone else have any closing comments?
Stosh_Piznarski: I’d like to say that it’s probably easier to avoid being photographed or stalked by the paparazzi if you’re not dating the son of movie stars.
Logan_Echolls: Shut up, Piz. Anyone else?
Wallace_Fennel: Yeah, I’d just like to say that if I’m ever in the tabloids, it better be because I’m being recognized as the next LeBron James or Michael Jordan.
Veronica_Mars: They can focus on how you struggled out of the surburbs to achieve fame and fortune!
Wallace_Fennel: That’s better than focusing on how I was taped to a flagpole for crossing a biker gang when I was in high school.
Stosh_Piznarski: Hey, you never told me that story, either! It’s sad if you have to read the gossip rags to find out what was going on in your friends lives before you met them.
Veronica_Mars: That one wasn’t covered by the paparazzi, but I can tell you about if Wallace doesn’t. Mac, any closing comments?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Paparazzi are evil and they must die or have their bank accounts hacked?
Logan_Echolls: I agree with that sentiment and on that chipper note, I’m declaring Sound Off officially over.

Volume 2: Issue 2

2006-10-17T12:15:57Z

LoVe Jam
by Veronica Mars with Logan Echolls

Veronica_Mars: Last year, I tried my hand at being normal.

Logan_Echolls: And what a raging success that was.

VM: The normal plan included a normal job and a normal boyfriend.

LE: Who wasn't me. Are you insinuating that I am not normal?

VM: Yes. The other integral part of the normal plan was having a normal past time. Wallace decided that this past time should be watching TV.
Specifically, NBC's The Office, and though I was initially skeptical, I fell hard for this show about average, everyday people just trying to stay sane (some not so successfully) while at work. Anyway, last season we left the gang at Dunder Mifflin on Casino Night and it was quite the cliffhanger. Jim confessed his love for engaged co-worker Pam.

LE: And she didn't say anything back. For the record, it really hurts when people do that.

VM: Yeah, it does.

LE: It really, really hurts. A lot.

VM: I know how much it hurts.

LE: Wait, are we both claiming that we are Jim in this relationship?

VM: Well I'm certainly not Pam.

LE: HA! You so are. I'm Jim, you're Pam.

VM: No, I'm Jim. Remember when I went to your hotel room, told you how I felt and you said nothing?

LE: You only did that because I told you how I felt first--so you tell me--and then you ran off, thus necessitating your early morning visit.

VM: I'm Jim. But let's drop it and move on as there was one other event that occurred that bares mentioning. After Jim told Pam he loved her, Pam left and called her mom. That's when Jim walked into the room, with tears in his eyes, and kissed her.

LE: And Pam was definitely into the kissing. But then the kiss ended, Jim stepped back, and that's where they left us.

VM: So now we're going to discuss the fallout of these events. So if you haven't yet seen the first two episodes of season three, "Gay Witch Hunt" and "The Convention," and wish to remain unspoiled, then steer clear.

LE: When season three starts, it's three months later and there have been quite a few changes to the office. Ryan the temp is no longer a temp - he's got Jim's old job - and Jim took that transfer to Stamford.

VM: But don't worry J/AM fans. Pam called off the wedding and she and Roy are apparently over. Which is good. I never liked that guy.

LE: Yes you did.

VM: No, I just thought that as he made Pam happy at the time then that's who she should be with. But she's not that girl anymore and Roy isn't right for her now. I gotta say, I'm really proud of Pam. It's tough to walk away from a relationship, but she did it, and is finally finding her own way. She's got her own place now and is taking art classes. Jim would be proud if he knew but he doesn't because he's in Stamford, adjusting to a new crazy co-worker, Andy, played by The Daily Show's Ed Helms. Though Jim's new boss, Josh, is a nice, normal guy compared to Michael, Andy handles Jim's pranks with even less grace than Dwight, leaving Jim feeling out of place.

LE: As for Michael and Dwight, they're still Michael and Dwight, eternally clueless and insensitive. In "Gay Witch Hunt," Michael outs Oscar and, in an attempt to prove that he is not homophobic, he kisses him. No one enjoys it except those of us in the audience. Their embarrassment is our amusement.

VM: The second episode,"The Convention," sees Jim, Dwight and Michael reunite at the office-supply convention. Michael still feels hurt because Jim took the transfer and Jim discovers that he misses Dwight... Well, he misses playing pranks on Dwight. Logan, favorite line?

LE: When Michael saw Jim at the convention and attempted to hail him as the prodigal son, "The prod...the progidal...my son returns." Great delivery from Steve Carell. You?

VM: Mine was also from Michael: "I was shocked when he told me he was transferring to Stamford. It's like with fireman, you don't leave your brothers behind. Even if you find out that there is a better fire in Connecticut."

All in all, it was a very strong season opening for The Office. The writing has been sharp and funny as ever and the entire cast brought their A-game. They're handling Jim's departure from Scranton really well.

LE: Agreed but I don't think they need to set up another love interest for Pam in Toby. Haven't these characters been in enough love triangles already?

VM: I'll say. What's wrong with a nice, normal relationship?

LE: They're boring.

VM: On that note, I think we're done. ~~Oh, and I'm Jim~~.

LE: I'm Jim. Also: the editor.

[Editorial note: I have not heard from her for awhile and she has not reviewed the latest episode of Supernatural yet, but here is a link to Gia's recap of "Everybody Loves a Clown" for those of you still catching up.]

Ride Me Home
by Dick Casablancas

Dick_Casablancas: What up Neptune!!! Your regularly scheduled editor-in-chief is busy with some class work, or whatever that **** is called, so I have been left in charge of moderating this debate. I normally would say no, but since I am crashing in his casa while he is in fake jail, I thought this would be entertaining. So dudes and dudettes, take it away!
Moe: Aren’t you supposed to provide an introduction or something? None of the readers will have any clue who we are and what we are discussing if you don’t.
Dick_Casablancas: Wait, you guys are supposed to be talking about something? I thought everybody was just supposed to chat. We could talk about all the fine ladies of Zeta Theta Beta! They ****ing love ****! ****, why is my name blurred?

[Tech Support note: It’s because the filter is interpreting it as inappropriate. Learn to not talk in third person and it won’t happen to you again, Dick]
Fern: You frat scum are freaking idiots! You're swine. Just wait, my fellow sisters will get your dumb, cesspool houses shut down for good.
Dick_Casablancas: Holy ****, your name is Fern! Is that why you’re so bitter? And Moe? Come on. Mow the Fern, Moe.
Moe: Fellow humans, let us not entangle ourselves in conflict. And Mr. Casablancas, Fern and I were actually asked here today to discuss the Safe Ride Home program. Why don’t we start that now?
Dick_Casablancas: Oh you guys suck! I totally was about to get some in a cart a couple of nights ago when the lesbo driver elbowed my goods, and pushed me out! She must have really wanted ****!
Fern: Like I would want anything from a disgusting animal like you. You disrespect my cart, I get even. And I’ll have you know you are banned from the safe ride program. Just like all frat pigs should be banned from the school.
Dick_Casablancas: That was you? Holy crapola, you are fug! Shave your legs and take that ugly-ass ring out of your nose. You already look enough like a bull, that thing just draws more attention to you!
Dick_Casablancas has left the room.
Cindy_Mackenzie has entered the room.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Hello everyone. I am taking over as the moderator because clearly nothing was going to get done with Dick in charge. I don’t know why Logan would even think it was a slightly good idea to use Dick as a discussion leader. Moving on, the Safe Ride Home program was started a couple of years ago to help prevent drunk driving incidents. Ever since its start, the number of Hearst students pulled over for DUIs has been greatly reduced, and it’s been recognized several times for its positive influence to the campus. Today I will be talking with two of the program’s employees. If you two could introduce yourselves now that would be great!
Moe: Hello, I’m Moe. This is my second year with the program. I’m also an RA and I do other things around campus. I’m currently trying to start a Sci-fi club.
Fern: Fern.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Oookay! So what are your thoughts on the program?
Moe: In a perfect world, the program wouldn’t be necessary, but we’re not on the Battlestar Gallactica, and people here do unintelligent things. Since I myself much prefer tea to tequila, I use the program as a way to earn a little money, while helping protect my classmates.
Fern: It is a good program, but I for one am sick of having to pick up dumb sorority girls who get all tarted up and think they are god’s gift to Earth. They give real sisters bad names, and are the reasons boys think they can dominate our kind.
Cindy_Mackenzie: It’s not always the sorority girls who use the service, Fern.
Fern: It’s always the greeks. The evil, evil greeks. They get all liquored up until they can’t say no and throw themselves at the frat louses. They’re lucky they only come away with a shaved head!
Cindy_Mackenzie: Fern, trust me when I tell you that the shaved head is the least of their problems.
Moe: I agree that a large percentage of the people I pick up are Greek, but there are also lots of people I pick up who don’t like walking home alone after dark, or walking home in the rain. And our program advertises more around the Greek houses then the rest of the campus. A lot of other students don’t know we exist. I’m hoping this article will help spread our domain.
Fern: And help spread the word to shut down the frat houses. Shut down the frat houses!
Cindy_Mackenzie: Well, there you go. For more information on the Safe Ride Home program, search for it on the Hearst website, and call ext. SAFE (7233) for a ride!

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear L,

My girlfriend is jealous of my electric toothbrush. She says I "make out with it" more than I make out with her. I don't get it. I thought girls liked dudes with good dental hygiene. Any advice?

Guy Smiley

Dear G.S.,

I myself am a big believer in the importance of good dental hygiene. My fourth grade teacher told me once, "Let a smile be your umbrella." I didn't sleep right for a week. Seriously. Think about that image literally for a minute. It's incredibly disturbing. Anyway, enough about my childhood trauma. If you're brushing your teeth often enough that your girlfriend complains, maybe you have deeper relationship issues. Not to mention bleeding gums. I suggest you buy your girlfriend an electric toothbrush of her very own so she won't be jealous. A lot of girls I know have a deep affection for devices that vibrate.

- Logan

***

Dear Logan,

Settle a bet between my roommate and me. Let's say someone were to decide to streak across campus. Don't you think this person should chuck the Chucks and Zorro mask first? Don't they count as clothing? After all, if the streaker were, by chance, fulfilling a bet, I would think that means his first streak was forfeit, and he should re-streak. What say you?

Thanks,
Likes 'Em Bare

Dear Likes 'Em Bare,

The San Diego Municipal Code (Chapter 5, Article 6, §56.53b) defines nudity as, "devoid of an opaque covering which covers the genitals, pubic hair, buttocks, perineum, anus, or anal region of any person." If one were wearing shoes and a mask, one would still be considered naked under the law. In this Advice Columnist's opinion, if one is sufficiently nude to get arrested, one is sufficiently nude to fulfill a wager.

As to the Chucks, bare feet may have been appropriate for our cavemen ancestors, cavorting across the grassy plains of ancient France, pursued by angry, phaser-weilding astronauts. However, in these modern times, the foolhardy barefoot runner faces many perils, including hot asphalt, gravel, soda cans, cigarette butts, Thai restaurant menus, and dog dookie. I cannot stress enough the importance of selecting appropriate footwear for engaging in vigorous outdoor activities, particularly if one is legally nude at the time, and running through an area designated as "public right of way," in which nudity is frowned upon, including, but not limited to, "a street, sidewalk, curb, gutter, crossing, intersection, parkway, highway, alley, lane, mall, court, way, avenue, boulevard, road, roadway, viaduct, subway, tunnel, bridge, thoroughfare, square, and any other similar public way." (§56.53d) Sturdy and comfortable footwear is as crucial to one's physical well-being as proper dental hygiene.

As for the mask, it's just that they're terribly comfortable. I think everyone will be wearing them in the future.

- Logan

***

Dear Logan,

Last week you outed yourself, saying you had to attend classes now. How did your time in Sociology go this week?

Anonymous

Dear Wallace,

I can't imagine what I was thinking, skipping all those classes. College life is the life for me. I'm going to keep changing my major so I can stay here year after year after year after year. And one day, if I'm very, very lucky, I'll be as smart as you. I get all gooey just thinking about it.

- Logan

P.S. You're also "Likes 'Em Bare," aren't you? Don't lie. I'm telling Veronica you wanted to see me naked.

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

"I will not strut around like
I own the place"
by Stosh "Piz" Piznarski

It’s really hard to talk about a show that’s been on the air almost as long as I’ve been alive, but ever since Wallace told me his Sociology prof sounds like Homer Simpson I have been thinking of this little sketch cartoon that started as part of The Tracy Ullman Show before going out on its own in December of 1989.

It’s about a family of five living in Springfield, USA. (I’m fairly certain that somewhere it has been discovered that they are in Missouri, but I can’t remember. Based on the mayor's accent, it could also be Massachusetts. I'm just glad Bart didn't grow up in my hometown or there would have been a "Beaverton" joke in every episode of The Simpsons.) So there’s Homer, who works for the nuclear power plant and loves Duff beer and television. His beautiful blue-haired wife Marge stays at home with Maggie, their youngest child, while Bart and Lisa each go to school. Bart is an underachiever, not unlike someone Wallace knows, and Lisa is an overachiever, also not unlike someone Wallace knows. The townspeople are also usually involved in one way or another. Some of most frequent re-occuring characters are the filthy rich owner of the power plant, the corrupt mayor, the town drunk, the bumbling ~~sheriff~~ police chief, and the owner of the local convenience store.

Halloween is coming up and ever since their first in the second season, The Simpsons has been known for its Halloween specials. Even more so maybe than the number of movies, TV shows, books, songs, and current events that have been referenced on the show. I am a big fan of those, but I also love when the show borrows plot devises from other shows. One of my all-time favorite episodes revolved around who shot Mr. Burns. A brilliant cliffhanger from one season to the next with clues being available in Bart’s favorite candy car, Butterfingers. The true killer was revealed to be Maggie.

I went around to ask everyone else their favorite episodes and was treated to the following answers.

Veronica: The one where Lisa goes to the National Spelling Bee and is told to cheat in order to get into the Seven Sisters College of her choice.

Logan: Any episode with Sideshow Bob trying to kill Bart.

Wallace: That one where Homer hallucinates at the Chilli cookoff and finds that coyote to show him the meaning of life.

Mac: That one where Lisa meets that cool girl who is voiced by Christina Ricci.

Dick: Duffman! Anything with The Duffman rules. Hmm... I wonder where the beer in the Grand is right now?

Other favorite episodes among other friends include "Dead Putting Society," "Marge vs. the Monorail," "Rosebud," "Bart of Darkness," "Bart Sells His Soul," "The Simpson 138th Episode Spectacular," "22 Short Films about Springfield," and "Simpsons Bible Stories."

The show has also introduced words and catchphrases into the lexicon, from "Eat my shorts," to "D’oh" (written in a script as annoying grunt), to Homer’s propensity to coo "Mmmm" at items he finds delicious. The Simpsons is the longest running animated show with its 18th season starting this year. There is also a movie in the works. If you were lucky enough to be at Comic Con this summer, there was a panel with Matt Groening and some rough cuts of the film where shown. The movie will open the same year that The Simpsons celebrates its twentieth year as a cartoon. The movie's cast will most likley include famous guest stars since in the first two seasons alone, Springfield had many famous visitors including Kelsey Grammar (Sildeshow Bob), Penny Marshall, James Earl Jones, Tony Bennett, Phil Hartman, and Larry King.

And for some fun, here are a few questions we'd like to see everyone try to answer... The first person to get all three correct will get a prize. Send your answers to editor@neptuneonline.org.

1. Sight gags are also a big part of The Simpsons. What Bart writes on the chalkboard and what happens to the family when they try to sit on the couch is different in almost every credit sequence. What episode is the title of this piece from and which episode features this couch gag?

2. What is the number of regular voiced characters done by Dan Castellaneta?

3. The Marquee at the Church advertises that who is welcome at their services in Special Edna?

Survival of the smartest
Winner: Wallace Fennel

Wallace_Fennel: We are the champions, my friend.

Logan_Echolls: Thanks for rubbing it in, dude. Nice job pulling the fast one on me, though.

WF: It was the least I could do after the way you played Horshack earlier. You are the master of manipulation.

LE: Correction, I was the master. I’m hanging up my gloves and passing the torch to Dick.

WF: Probably a good idea. But that’s not why I'm here.

LE: Really? I thought we were friends now, man. Do you need a favor that doesn't involve my girlfriend?

WF: Not really. I wanted to ask you about your paper. Have you started thinking about it yet?

LE: Dude. It’s September. The paper isn’t due until December. Who do you think I am, Rory Gilmore? Why are you thinking about this anyway? Wasn't not having to write the paper your prize.

WF: I'll tell you what wasn't, Zorro. Seeing your ass. Hey, I said ass. Did you fix the censor?

LE: For certain people. You made the cut.

WF: Nice. No, I just figured you could get a head start the paper now while the experience is fresh in your mind. Much better than having to worry about it while you’re trying to find ways to hide Veronica’s Christmas presents. Plus, you said you needed another piece for the blog. This could be it.

LE: Good point. You are a master of manipulation yourself. So the paper is on the prisoner/guard relationship, right? I sort of spaced off during that part of class.

WF: Right. The experiment we were part of was modified from this one done by this professor up at Stanford in the 70s.

LE: Thanks for that titbit, Wallace. I’m not that stupid, even if I act like it. I read about Zimbardo’s experiment. It lasted four days and was just really messed up. I mean, anyone who actively wants to participate in a random psychological study without knowing the situation is just asking for trouble.

WF: And we were any better last weekend?

LE: We were pretty tame in comparison actually. Dr. Kinney’s experiment lasted only forty-eight hours and once we were there, we had an out if we wanted it. Plus, we knew what we were getting into from the start.

WF: That’s a fair n. It wasn't anything like a real prison, even if some prisoners were harassed.

LE: Exactly. I mean, Kinney gave us shirts to mimic the uniforms given to the guards and prisoners, but I don’t think it really served much purpose. None of us were identical. Plus, having women in the experiment threw off the relationships.

WF: Don’t forget that one of the worst offenders in Abu Gharib was female. Gender has nothing to do with power dynamics.

LE: That’s an understandment. Veronica Mars: case in point. Sadly, I can’t talk about Veronica in this paper. I can, however talk about why Kinney’s situation failed to work.

WF: How did it not work? Just like the Zimbardo experiment and Abu Gharib, we saw that if you give people control over others, everything goes to hell. And more importantly, do you think it’s wise to take apart his experiment?

LE: It’s my paper, and I’m supposed to write about the prisoner/guard relationship. I can speak from experience. Kinney didn’t force us into any situations that were totally uncomfortable and we weren’t referred to by some randomly assigned number. I still felt like me during the whole thing.

WF: I guess. You weren’t the one getting the brunt of the crap from Rafe, though.

LE: That’s because I wasn’t the weakest link. I also wasn’t forced to wear any ankle chains, which I have to say I appreciated. That is not a pleasant experience.

WF: Wait. Why not include some of your fond memories from your times in jail in the paper? I mean, Lamb did plenty to try and mess with your head, right?

LE: Sure, Lamb put me in the same cell as He Who Shall Not Be Named, but that was just Lamb being an ass like usual.

WF: If you say so, man. I’m just trying to help you think about this paper.

LE: I know. I appreciate the help. I think I can come up with enough situations between what I know about Abu Gharib, Gitmo, Zimbardo’s experiment and my time in the Balboa County Sherrif's department I can charm my way through ten pages.

WF: Cool. I felt like I should contribute something since I tricked your ass.

LE: And then you saw my ass. I think we're even now.

WF: Hardly. Hey, wait, you never told me how you guys paid for all that food you ate when you escaped.

LE: A man never reveals his sources, unless forced to with threat of torture. I'm stronger than most, Wallace.

WF: Right... so is that why you were talking about Pina Coladas and being caught in the rain?

Logan_Echolls has left the chat.

Sound Off: TV Docs
Moderator: Logan Echolls

You have entered room: Sound Off
Logan_Echolls: Sound off time!
Wallace_Fennel: Aren’t you going to give us the topic?
Logan_Echolls: Of course, Fennel. I just wanted to make sure none of you knew what it was ahead of time because I wanted our discussion to be spontaneous. A while ago, my lovely girlfriend and I were having a debate that was never quite settled. I mean, I was right of course, but she still wouldn’t change her mind. I decided to make a sound off topic out of it, just so she could see how right I was.
Veronica_Mars: No, Logan, crying during The Lion King does not prove what a man you are.
Logan_Echolls: It sure does! But that is off topic. Today’s topic is TV doctors.
Veronica_Mars: Dr. House would so beat Dr. Cox in a fight.
Logan_Echolls: Dr. House has a cane! Dr. Cox would fight dirty and kick his ass!
Veronica_Mars: House would use his cane as a weapon! And House would fight just as dirty as Cox would.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Maybe you guys should clarify things for people not in the know a.k.a people not sitting on Logan’s bed right now.
Veronica_Mars: Hey, I’m sitting on his sofa!
Logan_Echolls: Don’t worry Mac, Veronica is fully clothed, and Dick is here too. How dare you suggest I would do something to tarnish her virtue. "You don’t get to call her a whore!:
Parker_Lee: Hey, Logan just quoted Grey’s Anatomy, my favorite medical drama. I used to be such a Mer/Der fan, but now, like Meredith, I’m torn now between the sweet Finn, and the drop dead gorgeous Dr. McDreamy!
Wallace_Fennel: I’ll admit it, I like Grey’s Anatomy, but only because Sandra Oh is fine!
Dick_Casablancas: I like the blonde chick. Especially in that episode where she strips.
Parker_Lee: I love Izzie. She is so sad though. I can relate to her. I mean, she started off as the perky blonde who everyone just assumed was a bimbo just because she was pretty and friendly, and then something horrible happened to her and she is lost and not sure where she belongs or how to move forward. And Mac, you’re like my Meredith! You picked me up off the bathroom floor!
Cindy_Mackenzie: I’d rather be your George. He wants to be there for Iz, but he is bumbly and awkward, yet he will never stop being a loyal friend.
Veronica_Mars: Meredith is annoying. Derek is annoying too. Neither one can make up their mind and they hurt other people because of it. I only tolerate the show because of Addison and Bailey. Both of them are kick-ass and have no problem putting people in their place. Yang is pretty cool too. If I was an intern, I’d probably be her.
Logan_Echolls: Because you’re not a people person or because you always have to be the best at everything?
Veronica_Mars: I was going to say because I’m very driven. I am so a people person! I just tend to make more enemies than friends out of them.
Logan_Echolls: Whatever you say, sugarpuss. Now why don’t we move on to the best medical show ever. No folks, not ER, Scrubs!
Parker_Lee: I’ve never seen it. When it it on?
Logan_Echolls: According to The Futon Critic, I should "expect Scrubs and Medium to return in 2007, joined by new comedies Andy Barker, P.I. (starring Andy Richter) and The Singles Table."
Parker_Lee: Ooh, is it a drama like Medium?
Logan_Echolls: No. Like The Office, Scrubs is a sitcom without a laugh track and it is just as funny. It is told through the eyes (and mind) of John Dorian, aka J.D. We follow his life as he moves up from a young intern at a new hospital to a seasoned resident, and he is quite a character. I love the ongoing rivalry of J.D. and the Janitor, who always tries to find new ways to torture him.
Veronica_Mars: You only love J.D. because he is the only guy more fey then you are. Scrubs is alright, if only for Dr. Cox. But Dr. Cox would still get his ass kicked by Dr. House. And no, I will not lend you Wallace so you guys can dress up as J.D. in black face and Turk in white face for Halloween.
Logan_Echolls: Dude, it would be so awesome!
Wallace_Fennel: Oh hell no! I’d rather do Piz’s Crockett and Tubbs idea.
Parker_Lee: Oh, I love Colin Farrell. He was an awesome Crockett!
Logan_Echolls: Colin Farrell actually guest starred in an episode of Scrubs. In fact, Scrubs is known for having a bunch of hilarious guest stars and cameos like Matthew Perry, Jason Bateman, Heather Locklear, and they are trying to get David Cross on as Tobias Fünke.
Stosh_Piznarski: Crockett and Tubbs would be so cool! Anyways, I love J.D. too. I’ve always wanted a Turk so I could be J.D. And I would love a little blonde Elliot. Anyone here up for it?
Cindy_Mackenzie: I heard Scrubs is having a musical episode written by the same guys who did Avenue Q. I’m interested to see it as I’m sure it will be very funny! I think Jordan Cox is my favorite character. Her little speech at the end of the first season where she made sure to ruin every other character’s day made me fall in love with the show. By the way, is Keith the intern played by Connor Larkin?
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, I think The Todd is based off me! I should start going by The ****. Show The **** some love!
Veronica_Mars: Just wanted you all to know that Logan actually just high fived Dick. I’m dating a twelve year old.
Dick_Casablancas: Wait, why can Ronnie say **** and I can’t?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Because god hates you.
Logan_Echolls: I think Mac set up the server so everyone could say Dick besides you because if you said it you were either being dirty or talking in third person, neither of which are acceptable by her standards.
Cindy_Mackenzie: You know, god hates you conveyed all that but in a lot less words.
Logan_Echolls: What can I say, I’m verbose. Speaking of verbose, what does everyone think about House M.D.?
Veronica_Mars: House isn’t really verbose.
Logan_Echolls: No, but Wilson is.
Veronica_Mars: Touché. Anyways, House is the best medical show on air. Hugh Laurie is brilliant as the snarky and damaged Dr. House, who cares much more about solving the puzzle of the disease then saving the patient’s life. So much of the show is a tribute to Sherlock Holmes, including the names (House=Holmes, Wilson=~~Wallace~~Watson), House’s drug use, and his desire/capability to solve the insolvable.
Logan_Echolls: You got that entire spiel from IMDb. House is a grumpy bastard and he has no respect for poor Cameron. The only funny part of the show is House dealing with the Clinic patients.
Stosh_Piznarski: I love watching House. I started watching because there was nothing else to watch Tuesdays at 9, but now I am hooked. Luckily it is the kind of show you can TiVo because this year Tuesdays at 9 are a whole different ballgame. Though this seasson started off bad, with House not a bitter cripple, but now the cane is back and his attitude is snarkier then ever! I loved the last episode, when he wouldn’t leave Cuddy alone until she put his old, bloodstained carpet back in.
Veronica_Mars: Ooh, and the young girl who was in "love" with him. Great B-plot. And the actress was seriously a blonde Carrie Bishop.
Wallace_Fennel: Those clinic patients do make the show. Though sometimes I think the writers make House too smart. But then again, V here always manages to know crazy things like Dr. House does, so I guess there are really people as observant as he is.
Parker_Lee: I don’t like how mean House is. He has no respect for anyone or anything. But Dr. Chase is so cute! I love his accent!
Veronica_Mars: Chase would be cute if he wasn’t so damn annoying. He always tries to suck up to House, even though he hates him. Cameron is aggravating too. She can never make a decision about anything, and she is always trying to get House to listen to her morals. She needs to learn that House clearly does not agree with her, and to just let it go. I’m actually alright with Foreman, except when he gets in House’s way. I won’t even begin to say how I feel about Wilson, after all, most of it would be censored.
Logan_Echolls: You need to settle down. "It's just a TV show" as they say. But yeah, Wilson needs to not talk. Though I did like him in that episode where him and House were pranking each other and he sawed down House’s cane so it broke when they were walking.
Wallace_Fennel: You would like that. I like Wilson. He is a loyal friend who looks out for House, because he knows House won’t look out for himself. But I don’t like this new storyline with him encouraging Cuddy to lie to House.
Logan_Echolls: House and Wilson need to just do it already. Wilson is so obviously in love with him. And while they are at it, House should invite Cuddy along. That way there won’t be so much unresolved sexual tension and those three can actually have other feelings on screen.
Veronica_Mars: I don’t disagree with that.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, I’d be up for a threesome. Except I’d be the only dude. Three way five!
Veronica_Mars: We’re not talking about Scrubs anymore Dick, you can stop acting like the Todd. And Logan, don’t you dare high five him.
Logan_Echolls: Too late. And I think this is a great place to conclude sound off. But before we sign off, let’s take a vote. Who would win in a fight between Dr. House and Dr. Cox?
Veronica_Mars: ~~House, no question~~ Cox
Dick_Casablancas: The **** Cox
Wallace_Fennel: ~~Probably House, because I don’t see Cox as very violent~~ Cox
Stosh_Piznarski: ~~House~~ Cox
Parker_Lee: ~~House is so mean and I don’t know who Cox is so House~~ Cox
Cindy_Mackenzie: Cox
Logan_Echolls: And I vote Cox! See Veronica, Cox blows out the competition in a 7-0 victory!

What about you, dear readers? What do you think?

View Poll: Battle of the network doctors

Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, dark_roast, raelee, rowanceleste and spadada. Want to show your appreciation for all their hard work? Leave a comment.

Volume 2: Issue 1

2006-10-09T02:59:35Z

Much like an ancestral curse in a Gothic novel, the task of editing neptune_online has at last befallen Yours Truly. You can find out how we regained control of the blog by reading the updated user info. How did I end up in charge? Ms. Mars informed Ms. MacKenzie that I wasn't attending any of my classes, and I therefore had some openings in my schedule. I put the question to you: with the life I've led, can't I just skip Intro to Psychology? I already know I have an Oedipus Complex. Why is this class required? They're not even handing out drugs.

But, I digress. Ms. MacKenzie approached me about becoming Editor, and I accepted. Believe it or not, I actually enjoyed working on N.O. One bright spot in a senior year I'm trying very hard to forget.

So -- meet the new boss, not the same as the old boss. I have better hair. Also, I take bribes.

~ Logan

Campus Safety
by Veronica Mars

Hi, I’m Veronica. Due to the recent thefts on campus, Mac thought it would be a good idea for me to offer some simple tips on how to avoid getting stuff stolen while on campus.

First of all, LOCK YOUR DOORS! Car doors, room doors, and any other doors. Even if you will just be gone for two seconds, it only takes one for someone to open the door and grab your stuff. This isn’t Beaverton, folks! Here people will take your stuff and not return it. And the sheriff’s department won’t help.

The Hearst Welcome Wagon does not exist! This is a fake organization that is actually a ring of criminals who steal stuff from college kids and turn around and sell it on CraigsList. I may have succeeded in shutting them down, but others may get the idea and start their own operation. If a campus organization offers you a service, you can always call Hearst Student Services at ext. 5555 to determine the organization’s credibility.

Hide your valuables in safe places. Even if your doors are locked at all times, that won’t stop your roommate or their friends from taking it. Valuables like cash, jewelry, credit cards, car keys, and other items worth large sums of money should be stored in safe places that are not in plain sight. You don’t want to even tempt strangers by leaving loose cash around, because believe me, the evil refuse to get jobs like the rest of us.

Be aware of who you let in your room. Don’t invite sketchy people in. Ask your roommate to do the same, because he/she probably don’t want their stuff stolen either. Trust your instincts, and if someone is really bothering you, you can contact campus security at extension 1234.

If somehow your stuff gets stolen and you want it back (for a small fee, of course), feel free to contact me, Veronica Mars, at 555-0129. You can also call me for secret admirers, stalkers, lost pets, and missing persons.

Getting Friendly at Hearst
by Your Friend, Parker Lee

Hey there party people! Mac and I were supposed to talk about this week’s ANTM after seeing it last night but then her friend Veronica came by and, oh my God, she’s so much fun – I’ve met some of the best people in Neptune! Veronica loves to rock (see the adorable picture someone snapped of her for proof) so we went to the Unwashed show instead and now I have to keep my ears covered until I find someone who Tivo-ed the show. I don’t want to know who got the boot (or should that be high heel?) before I see it!

Anyway, Mac said they still needed something for this Neptune Online thing seeing as how she had committed to submitting a piece this week so I promised I’d write about how to make new friends at Hearst. Not that any of you reading this probably need help with that! Everyone here in Neptune has been so friendly and welcoming, it’s like the best place on Earth.

But, just in case you do need some advice on meeting friends, here are three surefire ways that worked for me.

1. Definitely Get a Dorm Room! Ok, it's probably a little late for this one if you made the mistake of getting a place off campus but they aren't lying when they say the best way to meet people is in the dorms. Just look at me, I'd never have met Mac if we hadn't ended up in the same room together and then I'd never have met Veronica or their boyfriends Piz and Wallace. Then there's all the other girls on our floor - who are AWESOME. Plus, you get invites to all the best campus parties if you’re actually, you know, on campus.

[Editorial Correction: It should be noted that neither Piz nor Wallace is Veronica's boyfriend. That'd be me, just so we're clear.]

2. Decorate Your Whiteboard! With every dorm room comes a whiteboard. Well, except if you're Mac but she's totally making a statement about being unique and she's already got great friends. Decorating your dorm whiteboard with lots of stickers and doodles lets people know that you're friendly and open and encourages people to knock on your door. Plus, it helps the friends you do meet find your room! I included a picture of my whiteboard to help give you some ideas on how to decorate yours. Just remember, be imaginative and fun and you'll be making new friends in no time!

3. Don't Be Shy! You're not in high school anymore! The days of slipping on one shirt without taking off the other and contorting your body in weird directions to change your bra without showing any skin in the locker room after gym are over. It's college! No one cares about seeing you naked in college so don't be shy. Let your roommates know that you're comfortable in your skin so they can be comfortable in theirs. And don't be afraid to go up to guys and start conversations with them either. How do you think I got to hang out with the guys in Unwashed last night? By talking to them! It's not like anyone is going to think you're a slut just for not being afraid to talk and hang out with guys. So, don't hold back. Put yourself out there.

Ok, I gotta go to class. There's this girl who sits behind me and we think our professor looks like Colin Farrell. Totally hot, right? She and I are bringing pictures we found on Google to compare them today. Who says college students are lazy?! Anyway, if you follow these three simple steps, I promise you'll be making new friends in no time!

TTFN!

~~Oh and, if anyone out there still has last week's ANTM episode saved on your TiVO, I'll love you forever if you let me and Mac come over and watch! Just leave a note on my whiteboard (see!).~~ [Editornal Note: Mac has informed me, with great joy I might add, that she and Parker now have a copy of the ANTM episode so you can ignore this plea.]

Get an apartment
by Logan Echolls

Whilst Parker may offer you the perks of living on campus, I discovered some emails that show why living off campus is a much better decision. Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this story the tale of the crazy substitute parents.

--------------------

From: wallace.fennel@hearstcollege.org
To: veronica.mars@hearstcollege.org

Subject: I'm Rick James, *****

V, my RA is nuts! Check out this email he just sent out!

-Wallace

P.S. - Piz will not stop talking to me about you. Whenever I'm in the room he's all 'What's with Veronica, is she single, does she like cheese...' I gave him your backstory hoping it would get him off my back.

Anyways, here is that email:

Hello fellow earthlings, and welcome to the glorious institution that I like to call home. Here at Hearst College, all you little seeds can learn from the best, and blossom into spectactular flowers. Of course, if you ever get too stressed and need a break, my door is always open for some nice Oolong and a Battlestar Galactica marathon to make you feel better. Have a great frakking year everyone!

Your RA,
Moe

--------------------

From: veronica.mars@hearstcollege.org
To: wallace.fennel@hearstcollege.org
CC: cindy.mackenzie@hearstcollege.org

Subject: Oh Moe

Hah! Oh Moe! You're not the only one with a crazy RA, Wallace, check out this email that Mac got from hers! (Obviously, rape is not a laughing matter. Over-the-top bulk emails from crazy people, however, are hilarious.)

The email:

I know that I’ve already sent out a million emails about dorm policies, but tonight’s outburst seems to indicate that this needs to be sent out again.

Thanks to a series of rapes going back to last year, boys are not allowed on the floor after 10 PM. Okay chicas, NO BOYS AFTER BEDTIME! I know you all like to get around and everything, but believe me, the last thing you want is a reputation. Take it from someone who had too much fun their first week away from home.

I don’t meant to sound like a bitch about it, but it is my sworn duty to protect you lovely young ladies from the evil that is the male species.

These new rules are on account of there being a rapist loose on campus. I know none of you want to be raped and wake up with your head shaved! Please respect the rules out of respect for yourself and all the women in this dorm. As long as the frats are around, you are all in danger of being violated, like one of my closest girlfriends from last year was.

I don't like to be a hard ass because I love it when people like me, and I hope that you will like me, but if you don't follow the rules, I will not hesitate to contact the Dean’s office.

It’s guys like that idiot that give Hearst a bad rep and make it unsafe for some women on campus.

Try to get some sleep before class, and remember: Boys are stupid. Throw rocks at them!

Take this time to bond with your new girlfriends!

Sarah

--------------------

And there you have it folks. I am so glad that my girlfriend, Veronica Mars, doesn't live on campus so we can have sleep-overs whenever we want, which we want a lot.

To Piz, Veronica loves cheese. She is also taken. But hey, I hear Sarah is easy. Just make sure you get there by 9:58 because you have to be done by 10.

Top Model Talk
with Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie and
Parker Lee

Our Editor-in-Chief asked me to pick another show to fill-in for The Office since Veronica couldn't watch this week's episode with him. Parker suggested America’s Next Top Model. I’ve watched a few episodes during the previous seasons or ‘cycles’ as they call them, but since Parker is an avid ANTM fan, I’m going to let her run with this one. As a side note, this piece was not reviewed by the editor-in-chief since, as he says, he’s “not that much of a girl.”

Parker_Lee: Hey, everyone! First of all, I want to thank that girl down the hall with the pigtails who lent us her copy of ANTM! I thought we were going to have to hold off on this review because I totally forgot to program my Tivo and that would have been a major bummer!
Cindy_Mackenzie: I know I would have been crushed.
Parker_Lee: I know, really! Anyway, for those of you like Mac that may not be familiar with all the fabulous people in America’s Next Top Model, you can check out America's Next Top Model on the CW for the deets. I still can’t decide which Jay I like best, it’s a tough choice.
Cindy_Mackenzie: I think I like Jay Manuel the best, he’s like the Simon Cowell of ANTM.
Parker_Lee: Omigod, you have watched the show before! I thought you were just humoring me.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Hey, I do watch some TV you know. So what do you think of this cycle of models? Anyone you thought should have made the initial cut, but didn’t?
Parker_Lee: Well, that Ginger girl was really pretty but it’s too bad she was so insecure about getting naked. It’s not like it was for Playboy, and it was in front of a bunch of sisters and other professionals. I felt really bad that she thought her family would be so judgmental of her.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Ginger reminded me of a girl from my high school and from what I knew about her, she’d be rolling over in her grave that her lookalike blew an opportunity to be famous because she was worried about what her parents would think.
Parker_Lee: Lilly Kane, right? I remember reading about her in People. What a gruesome way to die. I’d rather die in my sleep than get my head bashed in with an ashtray.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Yeah, well, I’m pretty sure Aaron Echolls didn’t ask for her opinion before he murdered her. How about we cut to the chase? Out of the thirteen models that are left who are you favorites and why?
Parker_Lee: Well, I love those twins. Amanda and Michelle? They’re like these gangly colts that still haven’t found their footing yet. It’s adorable! I think they’ll be an inspiration for all those girls out there that have two left feet.
Cindy_Mackenzie: If one of them wins, it will be proof, at least, that coordination can be learned. I think my favorite is Anchal. She’s kind of this underdog because I don’t think there are any Indian top models, but it’s also weird that she’s just so gorgeous but is still so insecure. It’s amazing that girls that look like that could still be self-conscious like the rest of us humans.
Parker_Lee: I totally know what you mean. If she was one of my girlfriends I’d give her a makeover so she’s more 2006, but then we’d go clubbing and she could watch the men throw themselves at her feet. I don’t know if I’m in Jay Manuel’s league but I’m so the makeover queen. If you let me give you a makeover, I guarantee that you’d have tons of guys falling at your feet.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Thanks for the offer, but I think I’ll pass. Boys falling at someone’s feet are probably the cause of most sorority accidents.
Parker_Lee: I always thought it was the alcohol, but it could be the boys! So, is there anyone that you hate so far and want to see eliminated?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Definitely Monique. She’s got psychotic and bitchy covered. What kind of person pretends to pee on someone else’s bed?
Parker_Lee: I agree. I’m glad we’re roommates. I wouldn’t have minded some rocker chick like Meg, but I would have hated to have a nut case like Monique as a roommate.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Same goes. I can’t think of a worse roommate than Monique. Next week should be good. It’s always fun to see those before and after pictures from the makeover show.
Parker_Lee: I love the makeover episode! It’s like seeing butterflies emerge from their chrysalis. I knew we were totally soul sisters!
Cindy_Mackenzie: As long as I get to be Diana Ross. Anyway, it's back to The Office next week, so hope enjoyed the change of pace. If you have a favorite model in this cycle or there’s someone you love to hate, let us know so we can discuss some of the other contestants next time we need to fill-in for our Editor-in-Chief and his Bond.

[Editoral note: I am not a Bond Girl. And America's Next Top Model is a poor substitute for The Office. Dear readers, luckily we are not the only blog in the business. Gia's been up to no good since leaving Neptune. You know, of the Supernatural variety. Check out her recap of the season two opener, "In My Time of Dying."]

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

I realize that you lost the last biological member of the your family. What do you plan to do with yourself now?

--Curious

Dear Curious,

You don’t work for a tabloid do you? If you do, this is a really shitty way to find out what I’ve done with my summer vacation. I’ve decided to live a life of quiet despiration, and really, I’m on my way to Massachusetts right now to hang out around Walden Pond. A life without Aaron Echolls is going to be so difficult for me, I assure you. It’s too bad I have a supportive girlfriend around to keep me entertained, right?

Logan

***

Dear Logan,

In all seriousness, what are you doing with yourself?

--Inquiring Mind

Inquiring Mind,

I’m tempted to think that you, too, work for a tabloid, but I guess that would be too obvious.

In all seriousness, I’m living off the fat of my dead father and staying in the same place where he was offed and my friend’s little brother killed himself. That sounds like the picture of mental health to me.

I’m trying to go to Hearst, but I think everyone knows that I’m not that interested in learning at this point. I spend my time lurking around campus, avoiding classes I should be in, all the while maintaining the illusion that I’m going to college. Of course, I just blew my cover by writing that, so now I have to go to class.

Logan

***

Dear Logan,

I saw you around campus the other day when that guy got the crap kicked out of him and you got back at the guy who beat the crap out of him, and I was wondering, do you have a girlfriend?

--Interested

Interested,

If you were at lunch the other day, you might have remembered that blonde I was sitting with before I saved my friend's ass? You know, the one with the TASER? Well, sorry to burst your bubble, but that was Veronica Mars, and we are in fact still dating. I know, you think we’ll never make it given the “troubled past” we’ve had, but I’m going to tell you that it works.

Sorry to disappoint,

Logan

***

Dear Logan,

I’ve heard about you on campus and I wondered if you could tell me more about your girlfriend. I know she solves crimes, but is there anything else that she does?

--Nosy Neighbor

Nosy Neighbor,

Back away from Veronica before I take you and that damned argyle shirt and throw you into San Diego Bay or worse, all the way to New Zealand. I saw the way you were looking at us the other day, and I’m sure Wallace will tell you that I take treating Veronica well seriously, and I mean SERIOUSLY. You should have seen what I did to this guy that tried to kidnap her in high school--he looked like Chuck Norris had done a number on his face.

Logan

***

Logan,

I noticed you were in my sociology class. How exciting are those lectures! Doesn't the professor seem cool? I think it's my favorite class at Hearst!

--Sociology pimp

Wallace,

Stop trying, man. I'll go to class when I feel like it. You're breaking that bond we shared last year, dude. Remember, teamwork for the goal of getting on Veronica's good side? Also, stop tattling on me to her! I'm not in the mood to be left alone in my suite four nights a week.

Logan

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

Film review: Little Miss Sunshine
by Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie

If you're like me and you prefer your movies indie, with a whole lot of random and quirk, then Little Miss Sunshine is a safe bet.

It's about the Hoover family who travel from Albuquerque to California when seven year old Olive makes it into the finals for the Little Miss Sunshine Beauty Pageant. The family is struggling financially and can't afford to fly, so they decide to drive there in their beat-up VW bus. I have felt the pain of family roadtrips, so I sympathize with the hell these people are in. Although we have never had to get out and push our RV, so I guess I'm complaining about nothing.

As they travel towards the beauty pageant, things go from bad to worse and each family member comes to a realization about their lives. It sounds cliched but it really is an enjoyable little movie. Plus, the acting is great and this family pretty much defines disfunctional. (Because what is a quirky indie film without an incredibly disfunctional ensemble cast?)

Dad Richard (Greg Kinnear) is a motivational speaker no one wants to listen to. (Hee.) His wife Sheryl (Toni Collette) is trying to be a good mom while attempting to stay sane. Her brother Frank (Steve Carell), the country's pre-eminent Proust scholar (as he keeps reminding us), is staying with the Hoovers while he recovers from his recent suicide attept. He can't be left alone, so he has to share a room with Dwayne, the fifteen year old son who has taken a vow of silence (I'm with you, Dwayne). The family also shares their home with Richard’s father (Alan Arkin) who was thrown out of his nursing home for abusing heroin. Yep, much more like the actors who played "The Partridge Family" than the fictional troupe.

The one ray of sunshine in this otherwise grim bunch is Olive. She has very little chance of winning the pageant but she that isn't stopping her from trying her hardest. This film is about this family, but it is also about inner beauty and having the courage to be yourself and be happy. Olive is pretty much the world's cutest feminist. And she is hilarious. Honestly, you should see the movie just to see her dance. (Or you could ask Veronica to show you a few steps. She did a pretty decent imitation after we saw it... Of course, depending on her mood, you could end up getting tasered, so maybe you should just see the flick.)

Sound Off:
Dorm-room Dos and Don'ts
Moderator: Wallace Fennel

Moderator: ~~Dick Casablancas~~ ~~Logan Echolls~~ Wallace Fennel

You have entered room "Sound_Off"; October 5, 2006, 4:20 PM.

Wallace_Fennel: Uh, Logan? You there? You’re supposed to introduce the topic, remember?
Stosh_Piznarksi: Wallace! Long time no see.
Wallace_Fennel: Piz, you’re on the other side of the wall. I can see your *** from here.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Yeah, it was a joke. I was trying to be funny. You know because we do—never mind. Why is my name pink? Can’t I be blue or something a little less girly?
Wallace_Fennel: I dunno. I think the moderator controls the name colors. You’d have to ask him.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Oh. Where is he? Where is everyone else? I thought you guys said the sound offs included everyone.
Wallace_Fennel: They usually do. Mac and Parker were supposed to be here since they live in the dorms too, but then... they aren’t going to be here. And V’s over there with them.
Stosh_Piznarksi: So it’s just us?
Logan_Echolls has entered the chatroom.
Logan_Echolls: Yo! Yo! YO!
Stosh_Piznarksi: Logan. Nice of you to show up.
Logan_Echolls: Do I know you? Holy shit. Is your name seriously STOSH? That’s fucking hilarious. How do you get laid with a name like that?!
Stosh_Piznarksi: …
Wallace_Fennel: Dick, why are you signed on as Logan?
Logan_Echolls: What are you talking about? I AM Logan.
Wallace_Fennel: Sure. If you say so, but Logan already knew Piz’s name.
Logan_Echolls: PIZ?! HAHA. Oh, that shit is funnnnny. Like that’s any better? Piz… reminds me that I gotta take a whiz is what it does. Later, bitches.
Logan_Echolls has left the chatroom.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Oooook. He’s pleasant. Why is *** starred out but **** and ******* aren’t? What the heck?
Wallace_Fennel: Looks like Logan has been messing with the chat settings. I've got practice soon so let's get this on topic. #1 Dorm-room Don't: Don't tell your roommate that you like to walk around naked. Even more important? #2, Don't walk around naked.
Stosh_Piznarksi: That’s not what you were saying this morning.
Wallace_Fennel: That’s so not funny.
Stosh_Piznarksi: I thought it was, just a little.
Wallace_Fennel: No.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Ok, how about the flip side. #1 Dorm-room Do: Do room with someone who has hot friends.
Wallace_Fennel: You can’t really control that but there’s always… Do room with someone who will go bird watching with you.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Really, though, who wouldn’t? Those girls, err, birds are hot.
Wallace_Fennel: Back to the Don’ts. Don’t play your guitar at all hours of the night.
Stosh_Piznarksi: Is that a hint?
Wallace_Fennel: I’m just saying…
Stosh_Piznarksi: No, it’s cool. I’ve got one. Don’t bounce your basketball in the room before noon.
Logan_Echolls has entered the chatroom.
Logan_Echolls: Hey, dudes, sorry I’m late. Let’s get this Sound Off started!
Wallace_Fennel: A little late for that. You do realize Dick signed on as you a little while ago, don’t you?
Logan_Echolls: No, he didn’t. Did he?
Stosh_Piznarksi: He did but we can use that too. Don’t use your roommate’s computer to auto login to their chat rooms and pretend to be him.
Logan_Echolls: I checked the transcript. That’s pretty funny.
Stosh_Piznarksi: It is not!
Logan_Echolls: Whatever, Pink Lady.
Stosh_Piznarksi: About that—
Logan_Echolls: Looks like you guys covered the topic and time’s up.
Wallace_Fennel: How can time be up? You just got here.
Logan_Echolls: And now I gotta go again. I’m a busy man with classes to skip and a girlfriend to kiss. I don’t have time to babysit the two of you and break up your fights about guitars and basketballs. This sound off is officially over.

Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, dark_roast, liz_guerin, raelee, rowanceleste and spadada. Want to show your appreciation for all their hard work? Leave a comment.

Neptune Navigator Online: UNCENSORED Part II

2006-09-18T17:54:55Z

And we're back with more of the censored articles you love but the administration hates. Have fun reading! And read fast, this one could be deleted any minute. (And leave us comments. They cheer us up. Summer School sucks.)

How I Spent My Summer Vacation
by Veronica Mars

Veronica's "How I spent my summer" essay makes for ~~depressing~~ interesting reading. We almost feel bad printing something so personal and revealing. Almost.

Unlike everyone else in this class, I wasn’t lucky enough to leave Neptune for the summer. Getting nearly burnt alive by my then-boyfriend’s father not only kills the summer experience, but also throws it to the ground, stomps on it, and then makes it watch House Of Wax ad infinite. That also doesn’t take into consideration all the time I spent visiting my dad, going to school to spend time with my now-ex-boyfriend, and working at Java the Hut. My summer was just fantastic!

As you might know, my dad jumped through fire for me. Beats your typical 09er father/daughter dynamic: dad hands you a black Amex card to stop you from telling your mom that he's messing around with the maid behind her back.

He spent the rest of the summer getting over his injuries and making out with his girlfriend while I worked my ass off. Have you ever had to eat hospital food two weeks in a row? Don't do it. You'll want them to smother you with a pillow by day three. (We won't even get into hospital coffee. God help the Gilmore Girls if they ever have to spend any time in a hospital.) There is also no Dr. McDreamy at Neptune Memorial to soften the sucktitude. Just a few sadistic old crones who go around turning the patient’s televisions to South Beach and then disappearing before anyone hears their cries for help. Dad went stir crazy fairly quickly and managed to get released on good behavior after only a few weeks. I had almost begun to look forward to my shifts at the Hut just to avoid the stench of urine and vomit that was the hospital, so I was pretty relieved.

Java the Hut: everyone’s favorite summer hangout and my newest place of employment. My dad and I decided that I should take a step back from the cases and they were hiring, so I got a job there. My manager seems to be permanently on crack. Sometimes I want to ask where she gets her supply from and other times I want to spork her eyes out. More often the latter, but I digress. The excitement of showing people to their seats about equals stakeouts 'til 3:00am, and no one has tried to kill me yet, so it's not a total loss. The pay isn't that awful either.

In those blessed moments when I wasn’t at the Hut, I spent my time meeting Logan after Summer School. That was before Logan was arraigned for the murder of Felix Tombs. Murder charge, you might be wondering? Oh yes, did forget to metion that? Logan arrived at my apartment after his father tried to turn me into Kentucky Fried Chica. He’d been beaten by the PCHers on the Coronado Bridge and when someone came to his rescue, it was discovered that Felix had been stabbed to death. He went through the preliminary hearing while Aaron was being arraigned for Lilly’s murder. Luckily his lawyer pointed out the obvious: how could he have stabbed someone when he himself was suffering from broken ribs and a concussion? The case was thrown out, but the town didn't take too kindly to it. Neptune had their own version of West Side Story, sadly minus the dance routines.

Community pools were torched, Logan’s car was shot at—with us inside—and so the war raged. It was at this point that I realized I couldn’t stay with Logan if it meant I'd have to watch another person I care about be killed. I broke up with him, he smashed a vase in my house, and my dad wanted to smash his face.

I kept running into Duncan at the Hut and he helped me out when the place got too busy. He also left me a gift on my birthday. Four weeks after I broke up with Logan, Duncan told me he’d broken up with Meg at the end of the school year and wanted to go out with me again. I felt like this was my chance to get my old life back, to be normal again. Plus, I feel safe with Duncan. I regretted hurting Meg, but when she went all ice queen on me, I wanted to get all schoolyard on her and point out that he was my boyfriend first.

The rest of my summer was quiet compared to everything that happened in May and June. Duncan and I got back into a routine, Dad got stronger, and I continued to show people to their seats with a fake smile five days a week.

Not working cases has meant I had to find out what normal teenagers do with their time. I hung out with Mac and Wallace at the beach a lot. We managed to go through more movies than I wish to admit on Netflix. I also secretly watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles re-runs with Backup. My favorite is Michaelango, but he insists Raphael is cooler. I control the amount of walks he goes on. He should remember that.

That brings us to today, the first day of school. I’m a new Veronica Mars: an easy-going, normal, eighteen year-old girl. No more murders to solve, no more crazy melodramatic relationships, just a normal teenager about to start her final year of high school. Wish me luck.

Mrs. Murphy’s comments: An interesting take on the topic. I’ve spoken to Clemmons and put you forward for a few sessions with Ms. James.

Grade: A

The Graduate: A review
by Logan Echolls

At some point this year, Logan was asked to review a favorite film. Based on the gossip we've heard about him and Dick and Beaver's step-mom, we are not surprised by the movie he chose. Of course, that is not the only reason our former Editor-in-Chief refused to print it. See for yourself.

As many of us are about to leave home for the first time (or the second time in my case), a review of this coming of age story seemed appropriate. For those of you not raised by mothers obsessed with old black and white movies, the film, from 1967, chronicles the life of a recent college graduate, Benjamin Braddock, who returns home to live with his overbearing and ignorant parents.

The movie follows Ben as he drifts around his Los Angeles home with his parents and their circle of friends. He’s given more bad advice on how to choose a career path than I’ve been subjected to at any number of Echolls' Family Christmas parties. But he does find one bright spot at his graduation party: Mrs. Robinson, the wife of his father’s partner. Mrs. Robinson attempts to seduce Benjamin after he gives her a ride home. At first he resists, the stupid idiot, but suddenly realizes that sleeping with a more experienced older woman will help to pass along the lazy days of summer.

Much of the movie artfully cuts together the trysts between Ben and Mrs. Robinson, and the resulting lies he must tell his parents. I have to say, this whole situation would be so much easier if Ben’s parents didn’t care what the frak he did with his time, but they do. As evidence of how dense they are, they give him a scuba suit for his birthday, which he has no interest in, yet he’s forced to show it off to his parents' friends.

Of course the movie is about more than watching a twenty-something screw a forty year-old, because stupid Benjamin has to get set up by his parents with the Robinsons’ daughter, Elaine. Mrs. Robinson threatens to end the fantastic sex they’re having if he goes out with Elaine so he takes her to a Burlesque show (he does get points for his choice of location, I might add) to prevent another one.

Stupidly, though, he starts to fall for Elaine and turns into a creepy stalker, following her to her college and asking her to marry him. (Stick with the sex without the strings, man!) But no, he has to be a damn sap and he leaves what he knows is good for something unknown. Who would ever leave an older woman for someone without any experience to speak of?

I’m sure there are other lessons that I’m missing right now, but really, I only watched this to see how many different ways Mike Nichols could not actually avoid revealing anything too risqué and still have a PG rating. Obviously, the answer is, quite enough. I mean, there are boobs, and more boobs, and a cross used as a door jam. Wonderful art direction.

A cheer
by Cindy "Mac" Mackenzie with
Veronica Mars

Mac and Veronica aren't overburdened with school spirit as we can see from this recovered conversation.

Cindy_Mackenzie: Hey, Veronica.

Veronica_Mars: What's up Mac?

CM: Check out this cheer I just wrote.

Neptune, Neptune, Neptune High,
We suck, we suck and here is why,
Being smart is secondary
To whether your hair is the color of a canary!

Neptune, Neptune, Neptune High,
We suck, we suck and here is why,
Because my parents are really rich,
This gives me the right to act like a bitch!

Neptune, Neptune, Neptune High,
We suck, we suck, and here is why,
My mind is completely blank,
If I don't like you I'll call you a skank!

Perfect for the game with Pan High right? I'm thinking of giving it to Madison.

VM: She'll have a fit. Do it.

CM: Sending it to her now.

CM: And already we have a reply:

Neptune, Neptune, Neptune High,
YOU suck, YOU suck and here is why,
You're so jealous that you're not on the team,
You make up stupid cheers!

Go back to your trailer park.

VM: She didn't even try to make it all rhyme. It's like the tooth fairy doesn't exist or something.

CM: I know! And here was me thinking that cheerleaders were founts of originality. I feel so betrayed.

My Supernatural Poem
by Gia Goodman

Gia seems to have a one-track mind. Here's a poem she wrote for English class.

They drive around the back roads in their black Metallicar.
Who are these warrior brothers who have driven oh so far?

The oldest one is Dean, who has hunted all his life.
Trained to kill the monsters with Latin, gun and knife.

His father taught him well, and it's the only life he's led,
Ever since their house burned down, and their mom was sadly dead,

Thanks to an evil demon. Now John Winchester is on a quest.
I don't think he's a very good father, since he's gotten all obsessed.

His boys can never reach him on his cell phone, when they call.
And when danger threatens, he's almost never there at all.

But, I forgot to mention Sammy, younger brother, who we find
Got a scholarship to Stanford, and left his destiny behind.

Dean loves Sam but resents him, and calls him "College Boy,"
Makes fun of him for ordering coffee with hazelnut and soy.

Sam's girlfriend Jess was killed by the demon that killed their mother.
Stuck to the ceiling and lit on fire. Luckily, Dean saved his brother.

Now Sam wants revenge against the demon, and he decides to try.
Also, he's all sad and angsty, because he dreamed that Jess would die.

He has prophetic visions, which really freak out Dean.
But they sometimes come in handy, to rush the brothers to the scene.

Then they can save the people who are threatened by distaster.
Ghosts or bugs or possessed paintings -- nobody fights them faster.

Sam hates all Dean's mullet rock, which he still has on cassette.
They argue all the time, but they haven't killed each other yet.

One time it nearly happened -- Sam shot Dean in the chest
With a shotgun full of rock salt. (At the time, he was possessed.)

Another time Dean almost killed Sam, but it wasn't really him.
It was an evil mutant who had stolen all Dean's skin.

It always gets quite scary in Supernatural employment,
But that means that every episode gives me great enjoyment.

I love the Winchester brothers, and now you can see the reasons.
And I hope their show runs for seventeen more seasons!

***

Ms. Schecter's comments: Gia - Your poem displays a lot of enthusiasm and promising ability. Why not focus your efforts on original work, rather than wasting all your creative energy on a television show? (B+)

Summer School Staff comments: Gia - I think more people need to write poetry about Sam and Dean Winchester. At least I know what the hell is going on in this poem, unlike when Mrs. Murphy made us read "The Wasteland." (A+!)

Communism: Pros and Cons
by Veronica Mars with Dick Casablancas and Logan Echolls

Apparently Veronica Mars and Dick Casablancas turned in the edited version of this blog for their group project. While we were helping clear off some disc drive space for next year, we were able to find the unedited version. Looks like Dick shouldn't have passed World Politics either.

Veronica_Mars: Today, Dick and I will be blogging about the pros and cons of communism for our 4th period World Politics class. So Dick, what is true communism?

Dick_Casablancas: Ahh, why don't you take that one.

VM: Under true communism, the principle of distribution among the masses becomes ‘from each according to his or her ability to each according to his or her need’.

DC: So that means, because you’re smarter than me, you should finish this project by yourself because I need to pass this class.

VM: This would be the reason why Communism only works in theory. The elitist classes always try to manipulate the system for their own gain.

DC: Dude! Communism doesn’t work because smart people are selfish. You don’t care if I don’t pass this class because there’s nothing in it for you. What about if I pay you?

VM: That’s capitalism, Dick, and while I’m a big fan, I’m not going to blog to myself. Back on topic - Under communist theory, there would be no private property and all land would be shared equally. While on the plus side, there would be no more 09ers, the downside is that with communal property, you’re more likely to find strange people in your shower because it’s not yours anymore.

DC: I’m all for finding hot babes in my shower, but I don’t want some grandma or random dude in there. Wanna share my shower, Ronnie?

VM: I’d rather slit my own wrists, Dick. One of the main problems with communism in practice is that there is no benefit to striving harder as you’d still only receive what the government or the powers that be determined you needed. For instance, even if I did all the work for this project, if we were communists, Dick would end up getting equal credit regardless of his lack of effort.

DC: Sweet! I’m going to become a Communist!

VM: Communism also only works if everyone works under the same principles. If people could go somewhere else where they got rewarded for greater effort, it would undermine Communism as the only people left would be the underachievers, which in turn would create a failing state.

DC: Failing states suck. I may have to repeat Physics this summer.

VM: I don’t mean – You know what, never mind, Dick.

DC: Hey, Mars? I’ll be right back.

VM: What? You can’t leave! We’re in the middle of this project.

VM: Are you there?

VM: Dick?

VM: Why does God hate me?

DC: God doesn’t hate you. He merely finds you somewhat annoying and wants to tell you that he’s the only one that’s omniscient.

VM: Are you freaking kidding me? Dick blew me off so you guys could play video games??

DC: What are you talking about?

VM: I know it’s you, Logan. Dick wouldn’t know how to spell omniscient, let alone be able to use it correctly in a sentence.

DC: Wow! For once, it’s not a baseless accusation. So what were you guys talking about?

VM: The pros and cons of communism...

DC: One for all and all for one!

VM: I said communism, not The Three Musketeers, Logan... Where’s Dick?

DC: He went to get more beer. What’s in it for me if I help you out instead?

VM: If you were a true Communist, you wouldn’t care about what’s in it for you; you’d just care about the greater good.

DC: Who decides what’s the ‘greater good’?

VM: Well, that is an inherent problem of communism. Either the government or a select group of people decide what is the greater good for the masses and even if you don’t agree with it, you don’t really have a choice.

DC: That sounds moronic to me and you’re still not convincing me to help you.

VM: Considering Dick’s current grade in this class, if he doesn’t finish this project, he’ll probably end up going to summer school.

DC: Still not seeing the benefit, Mars. You know, I would've thought you had better persuasive techniques than that considering the number of people already wrapped around your little finger.

VM: If Dick’s in summer school, he’s going to have way less time to play Halo with his little buddy.

DC: Finally! A persuasive argument! So are we talking Marxism, Leninism or that somewhat esoteric and idealist view of true communism?

VM: We’re discussing true communism and the reasons why it may sound good in theory but doesn’t work in reality.

DC: Come and see the violence inherent in the system!

VM: Okay, while you quoting Monty Python doesn’t really help me that much, it does bring up a good point. One of the issues with communism in action is the lack of individual rights and governmental oppression. Under communism, an individual doesn’t have the right to free speech, freedom of religion and is prohibited from speaking out against the government.

DC: I don’t have a problem with an anarcho-syndicalist commune in general.

VM: But you prefer a farcical aquatic ceremony?

DC: Well, that and the watery tart, of course.

VM: I don’t know if I should ask, but what are your specific objections to an anarcho-syndicalist commune?

DC: I hate meetings.

VM: Of course. Isn’t Dick back yet?

DC: Yeah, he got back a few minutes ago. He’s playing Dead or Alive: Xtreme 2.

VM: Why am I not surprised?

DC: Because you know Dick? Anyway, at least you're getting credit for your work. This wasn't even my project. I think I deserve cookies.

VM: I can probably give you a dead parrot...

DC: No, thanks, not even if it's a Norwegian Blue.

VM: I heard they miss the fjords anyway.

DC: That's half the problem with dead parrots. The other half being that they're dead, of course.

VM: I've found that to be true. Thanks for your help.

DC: You know, I'm just going to savor this moment and I'll leave it at that...

VM: Good plan.

Turns out the students weren't the only ones ~~abusing~~ using our messenger service. Seems that certain Neptune High Staffers were using it to gossip about us. This was the only conversation we could fully recover and it seems to have taken place after Principal Moorehead got fired but before Ms. Hauser got fired (Neptune High: not dissimilar to Hogwarts in the fifth Harry Potter book).

In case you've already forgotten our faculty, here's a reminder.


Principal Van Clemmons	Mrs. Lisa Murphy	Mr. Wu

Ms. Deborah Hauser	Mr. Samuel Nelson Pope	Coach Preppernau

Clemmons: What a week.
Murphy: You can say that again.
Clemmons: What a week.
Murphy: And the kids don't think your sense of humor is hip.
Wu: I heard there was a fight earlier but by the time the grape vine got around to me it was a full on brawl with guns and knives and right now, we're hiding a body in the supply room so that the school board won't find out.
Murphy: If only they could channel that kind of imagination into their essays.
Clemmons: No, it was just Navarro and Echolls. Again.
Hauser: $50 says that neither of them will graduate.
Wu: Not taking that action.
Murphy: I don't know, Logan just might surprise us. When he actually bothers to show up, his essays show real talent.
Hauser: The kid just got re-arrested. And there's a witness this time. He's going to jail.
Murphy: $50 says he won't.
Hauser: Deal.
Pope: Did I hear that you had Veronica Mars in detention Van?
Clemmons: You did. She had keys to my office. I confiscated them.
Pope: She's a smart girl. She'll have copies.
Clemmons: I know and the thought is keeping me up at night. I've taken to leaving a tooth pick propped up against the inside of my office door when I go home at night. If I find that it has moved in the morning, then I know she's been in there.
Wu: But if you leave the tooth pick up against the door on the inside of your office, how do you leave the room at night and get the tooth pick to stay in place?
Clemmons: I leave the room through my office window.
Wu: Um, ok. Anybody confiscated anything good lately?
Hauser: I found a cashmere sweater. Brand new. So far nobody has come to claim it and it goes just lovely with my new skirt. I'm keeping it safe until someone comes forward.
Preppernau: Sorry I'm late. Just busted Orozco and Cortez for graffiti.
Clemmons: Where?
Preppernau: North side of the gym. They were just getting started. They have detention for next week.
Clemmons: What's happening with Navarro? He used to keep the PCHers in line.
Murphy: Did you see him on the flag pole?
Clemmons: I saw more than I have ever wanted to. I cut him down.
Pope: So Van - we can still call you Van right? Or would you prefer "Magnificent Leader" or "your royal Principalness"?
Preppernau: That's right! You'll be in charge now Van.
Hauser: Moorehead's definitely out?
Murphy: He abandoned his illegitimate daughter in the girl's bathroom! He's gone.
Wu: So your royal Pricipalness...the science department could really use some new microscopes.
Murphy: We in English could use some new text books.
Clemmons: Nice try. Fill out the request forms like everybody else.
Pope: Deborah, is your robot baby project nearly done? I can't get any work done when all my students are trying to stop their dolls from crying.
Preppernau: Dick Casablancas left his in his locker.
Hauser: Great.
Murphy: Gia Goodman was singing to her's yesterday. She seemed to think it would actually work.
Hauser: None of the students are taking it seriously with the exception of Madison Sinclair. Wonderful girl that one.
Murphy: Madison? Just last week she tried to convince me why she should be allowed to write her book report on The Da Vinci Code instead of Crime and Punishment.
Wu: So Coach, how's the team coming along?
Preppernau: Ok. Wish we had Fennel back though.
Wu: What was the story with him leaving?
Clemmons: Apparently he has family issues.
Hauser: I heard that his biological father showed up and whisked him off to Chicago.
Pope: Does anybody else think that this town is like a bad soap opera?
Wu: All the time.
Clemmons: I got an email from Sheriff Lamb today. He wants to meet with the entire staff to talk about the on-campus drug trade.
Murphy: Obviously getting pressure from Goodman. He's never tried to do anything about it before.
Hauser: Why does he want to talk to us? It's not like we know anything, or that we can accuse kids whose parents can get us fired.
Wu: Angie Dahl actually threatened me with that last week. She wanted me to bump her essay mark from an A- to an A.
Murphy: She'll do anything to be valedictorian.
Pope: Veronica's still in the lead, right?
Clemmons: Yep. Don't know how she does it though, what with the amount of time she spends poking her nose into other people's business. Did you know that she was the one who figured out that Trina Echolls was Moorehead's daughter?
Pope: She reported Richard Casablancas Sr. to the SEC.
Murphy: And of course, the Lilly Kane case.
Preppernau: Remember when she rescued Polly the Parrot? I was so relieved to get that bird back.
Wu: Somehow equating the disappearance of the school mascot with the identity of an illegitimate child, international fraud and one of the most controversial murder cases of the past 30 years just doesn't seem right.
Murphy: I've got papers to grade. I'll see you all on Monday.
Hauser: Dinner to cook. Good night everybody.
Pope: Going to check in on the TSE.
Preppernau: Bye.
Wu: Later.
Clemmons: Alone again.
Veronica_Mars: Naturally.
Clemmons: VERONICA!!!
Veronica_Mars: Hey Mr C. Wow, you guys aren't as boring as I thought.
Clemmons: My office. Monday. You and I need to have another talk about privacy and respecting boundaries.

Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, dark_roast, fickledame, rowanceleste and spadada.

Neptune Navigator Online: UNCENSORED

2006-09-04T09:54:37Z

Dick was left in charge of the summer school students responsible for putting the first five editions of The Navigator on the net, but he never showed up (would you?) so we kinda didn't bother with it until Clemmons caught us with Polly the Parrot and the photocopier and forced us to do work.

Whatever. We got it done eventually. And we promise the next update will be a lot quicker--it is our last chance to post anything we want before we get a new faculty supervisor. (Damn electrical fire!)

To make up for the huge gap between updates, this issue is full of stuff you're going to love. We've uncovered all the things that they weren't allowed to publish the first time around because they were too rude, too risque, and too awesome. The administration doesn't want you to to read this!

So read it.

Poetry
by Veronica Mars

While looking through various old boxes in the journalism room, a few poems from Veronica Mars were discovered. No context was given as to when or why she wrote these, though the subject matter suggests it was after her ass was being ignored thanks to the way her father handled the Lilly Kane case. Further investigation by the staff revealed the second poem was written by Veronica for a case. At least, that's what she says...

Judge the poetry for yourselves. The staff is merely providing them as a service to the students of NHS.

Isolation

My new best friend is myself
Sitting alone is new to me, but I’m left without an option.

Ignored by those who I used to respect, life is about survival
No more pink
No more sweet
Only tough looks and a snarl.

I am better than them.
I believe in myself and my family.
No one has the power to make me feel inferior, and I won’t let them.

Stronger than anything they can dish out at me—that’s what I’ll become.
Stronger without them around to tell me what purse will match my new outfit, and
Stronger without the pressure to be like everyone else.

I Cut Because I Can

Easier this way
Dealing with the hurt myself than subjecting anyone else to it.

No one has to see my scars, because no one cares how much the taunts hurt.
No one sees how much this tears me up, unless they want try to find a place to dig deeper

Someone always tries to pour salt on the wounds, because I’m the perfect object
Years of being innocent suggest that I’m a wet towel to be whipped around.

The pain is easier to bear when I give it out—no one else is there to make me feel like any less of a person than I already am.

It takes time to figure out the best times to cut and feel.

Leaving class is too easy, but the apartment isn’t safe either.
Isolated locations around town become my sanctuaries—little havens without the rest of the world coming down on me.

I cut because I can.

I need to feel. I need to know that something out there exists besides the hurt of broken friendships.

Broken lives—that’s all I see around me now.
No one is happy, and I search for something to make me feel again.

Someone can help me.
Something can help me.

Supernatural
by Gia Goodman with Logan Echolls

I wonder why this piece got scrapped?

Gia_Goodman has entered the chat room.

GG: Logan and I are here -- okay, he's not here yet, but we're supposed to be meeting to discuss the WB's hit show, Supernatural. I've already reviewed a couple of episodes for the Navigator Online, and so you all know the basics about the show. Two brothers travel the back roads in their car and fight evil.

Logan_Echolls has entered the chat room.

GG: Hi!
LE: Sorry, I'm late. Got mugged by a Shtriga.
GG: LOL
LE: Actually, no. I had to go to the can.
GG: Everything come out all right? :-)
LE: I am unfamiliar with the concept of your Earth "humor."
GG: Is that a Star Trek reference?
LE: Maybe. Is that what we're supposed to be talking about? Enterprise totally sucked. I liked Voyager. Especially the Kazon. That hair was a bold fashion statement.
GG: Didn't you read Cassidy's handout?
LE: There was a handout?
GG: We're supposed to discuss Supernatural for the Sound-Off.
LE: Meg Masters was hot.
GG: She was evil!
LE: My observation remains valid. Overall, there haven't been enough hot chicks on Supernatural. I feel this is a criminal oversight.
GG: What about Sarah, in "Provenance," the episode with the haunted painting?
LE: Not evil enough. Which cuts down the hotness quotient considerably.
GG: That's an interesting insight into your personality.
LE: Are you charging me for this session?
GG: LOL, no. Just curious about you.
LE: Little old moi?
GG: We're off-topic again. How about those vampire girls in "Dead Man's Blood"?
LE: Eurotrash losers, every single one of them. Not evil. Just lame.
GG: I agree. those vampires were lame. They got rid of all the cool parts of the vampire myth. The vampires aren't really dead, they're not afraid of sunlight, they can only be killed by a dead person's blood.
LE: "Dead blood?" What the hell is that even about?
GG: See? I told you we would get along.
LE: When did you tell me that?
GG: In Journalism class.
LE: Was I awake?
GG: I'm not sure. I thought maybe you were just ignoring me.
LE: Was I drooling?
GG: I don't think so. Do you drool when you're awake?
LE: Only while I'm watching Charmed.
GG: You're funny! :-D
LE: Are you hitting on me?
GG: No. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just meant you're making me laugh. Okay, so who is your favorite brother?
LE: Since you're not interested in me, therefore I must be gay?
GG: That doesn't make any sense.
LE: I must be drunker than I thought.
GG: I don't think you should talk about that in a public chat room.
LE: You're right. My underage drinking is Neptune's best-kept secret.
GG: Which Winchester brother is your favorite character? Do you like Dean?
LE: He's so dreamy.
GG: He is really cute. He's got such pretty lips.
LE: They're doing it.
GG: Who?
LE: Dean and Sam.
GG: THEY ARE NOT!
LE: They're parking the Impala around the back every single night. *wink*
GG: Ew! They're brothers!
LE: If all the blondes in my life turned out to be demons from hell, or they got stuck to the ceiling, eviscerated, and then lit on fire, I might reconsider dating.
GG: Only blondes, or dating in general?
LE: Are you hitting on me again?
GG: No!
LE: After graduation, I'm thinking about joining an all-brunette convent.
GG: Don't you mean a monastery?
LE: Yes. That is what I meant.
GG: Back on topic. Sam and Dean are not gay.
LE: Have you been watching the show?
GG: What about Layla? The girl in "Faith." She was blonde.
LE: Yeah, and terminally ill. And wasn't she played by Julie Benz, who played Darla on Buffy?
GG: OMG, you're right!
LE: EVIL!
GG: I think we have just cracked the vampire conspiracy.
LE: Is there a black van pulling up outside your room?
GG: Not yet. What about you?
LE: I'm eleven floors up.
GG: How about a black helicopter?
LE: BRB.
GG: No! We're off topic again. What is your favorite episode?
LE: Topic. How Gay is Dean Winchester?
GG: Not. Gay. I liked "Bloody Mary." That one was really spooky. And they never explained why Dean's eyes bled.
LE: Obviously, because he is hiding his forbidden lust for Sammy.
GG: No, he is not!
LE: In "Faith," Darla-Layla was going to seduce Dean, and then bite him.
GG: I don't blame her.
LE: But, Dean turned her down. Therefore Dean is gay.
GG: He's not gay!
LE: Plus, Sam and Dean are always in those motel rooms together, showering naked.
GG: They are not!
LE: After they get all bruised and sweaty, playing with their various phallic symbols all night.
GG: Stop it!
LE: All that salting and burning. Come on. Admit it. That's hot.
GG: It's a little bit hot.
LE: HAH!
GG: They will have to edit most of this.
LE: Beaver is gonna junk the whole thing.
GG: There are a few good parts.
LE: Next thrilling issue: a Sound-Off twenty-five words long!
GG: Why don't you tell me what you thought was the scariest episode? So we have something for the article?
LE: "The Benders."
GG: That one was so awful. They investigate all the disappearances and they find out there's no demon or ghost, or any monster doing those horrible things -- it's just people. Why did you pick that one?
LE: Because sometimes it is just people.
GG: Yes. I get that.
LE: Plus, Hot Cop.
GG: But, she wasn't blonde.
LE: She had handcuffs. I'm going to bed now.
GG: Do you think we have enough for the article?

Logan_Eecholls has left the chat room.

Gia_Goodman has left the chat room.

"Blue"
by Duncan Kane

This little piece of joy was written by our former editor Duncan Kane. We're not sure when it was written: was it before he ran away to Cuba or was it before he ran away to Mexico?

Blue

I drift in blue,
Far from the land,
Isolated,
Alone,
Numb from the cold.

I watch you on the shore,
You turn to another,
You were supposed to wait forever,
But I know I'm not coming back.

It pulls me down,
I can not breathe,
Blue turns to grey,
Grey turns to black,
Why are these the only colors I see?

The blue controls me,
Takes me away from what I love.
It's not my fault.

Dick
by Dick Casablancas

Not only did we discover Dick Casablancas' attempt at poetry, we also found the conversation behind it.

We know, we're awesome.

Dick_Casablancas: Dude you around?
Logan_Echolls: Yeah.
DC: Have you done the poetry thing yet?
LE Ja.
DC: Dude, I can't write anything. Besides, poetry is totally gay.
LE: Dude, you have to. Ms Substitute-teacher-of-the-week said so.
DC: I like her sweaters.
LE: The blue one?
DC: HOT!
LE: HOT!
DC: So what are you doing?
LE: Watching Battlestar Galactica.
DC: STARBUCK!
LE: Dude, Sharon.
DC: No way. She's like a robot. But then, that's kind of your thing lately.
LE: What?
DC: Miss Mars hasn't exactly been herself lately. It's like she's a cylon or whatever. And that Hannah chick? Buffybot 2.0. All that pink.
LE: What the frak ever.
DC: Ooh did I hit a nerve?
LE: Don't you have a poem to write?
DC: ****!
LE: It doesn't have to be good, it doesn't even have to rhyme.
DC: It's gay.
DC: Right?
DC: Dude?
DC: Where are you?
LE: Sorry. My fluffer just arrived.
DC: Heh. Awesome. So can I read your poem?
LE: No. Write your own. Write anything. Even an acrostic poem would be fine.
DC: Acrostic? That's like when you pick a word and each letter of the word is the beginning of a line, right?
LE: Yeah.
DC: Ok. I think I've got an idea.

DC: How's this?

Dick is my name
Interesting is what I am
Chicks are what I like

And then I can't think of anything that begins with "K".
LE: Kitchen, Koala, Kate, Kashmir, Korea, kleptomania, king.
DC: I can work with those.

DC: Ok I'm back but I can't decide which one to use.

1. Kitchens - I don't go there.
2. Katie Holmes - I'd do her.
3. Kashmir is what I wear sometimes.
4. King of the waves is what they call me.
5. Korea - we should blow them up next.

LE: Hmmmm. You know I really can't decide.
DC: I know. Poetry is gay.
LE: Which ever one you go with, I don't think you'll have to worry about it getting published.
DC: Surfing tomorrow?
LE: 7:30?
DC: Awesome. Later, man.
LE: Adios.

"Dick" by Dick Casablancas

Dick is my name,
Interesting is what I am,
Chicks are what I like,
King of the waves is what they call me.

Nobody has ever called Dick "King of the waves."

The Girl
by Eli “Weevil” Navarro

Written for a class assignment, this earned Weevil a trip to the counselor to discuss his issues.

The girl in the front of the room,
So close yet so far,
she never seems to notice,
That this silly schoolboy crush,
Isn't just pretend.

I seize the time,
There's only minutes left to zero,
Just got a little taste,
I gotta get some more.

In my life all I wanted was the keeping of someone like you.

We're pretty sure that Weevil didn't write this and is once again handing in song lyrics to a clueless teacher. If you can tell us who actually wrote this we'll give you...something. Googling is cheating!

What's My Line?
by Logan Echolls

The following poem was discovered along with the others turned in for Ms. Schecter, who substituted for Mrs. Murphy's English class, the week of the poetry assignment. One of our summer school newsroom staffers shared that class with Mr. Echolls, and reports that Logan did not turn in a poem, and received a zero for that assignment.

He shows me the palm of his hand and laughs,
"Here's where my dad crushed out his cigarette.
Where all the fortune-telling lines cross paths.
So many paths."

I'd rather deserve what I know I will get.
"Your son does not apply himself in class."
Here's where my dad crushed out his cigarette.

The world swims by the bottom of the glass,
Underwater, underliquor, unreal.
Your son does not apply himself in class.

Everyone guesses about what's concealed,
And guesses wrong. And I won't tell, and live
Underwater, underliquor, unreal.

"Sarcasm," she tells me, "is defensive."
Then rattles the latch on the circus cage
And guesses wrong. And I won't tell and live.

I'm not my father, even in my rage.
He shows me the palm of his hand and laughs,
Then rattles the latch on the circus cage,
Where all the fortune-telling lines cross paths.
So many paths.

Sound Off: Apocalypse How?
Moderator: Cassidy Casablancas

We think it's kind of obvious why this one was cut, but we honestly think it is the best Sound Off they ever did.

Cassidy_Casablancas: The world is a pretty screwed up place. Every day it feels like a world war is just around the corner. So for this week's sound off we pose the question "Assuming that you survive the apocalypse, what would you do next?" Mac, what would you do?
Cindy_Mackenzie: What kind of apocalypse is it?
Cassidy_Casablancas: Huh? Does it matter?
Cindy_Mackenzie: Of course! Is it a post-nuclear war kind of apocalypse where everything is infected with radiation and we're running out of clean air and all the electro-magnetic shock waves have rendered computers useless? Is it that kind of apocalypse?
Cassidy_Casablancas: Um, ok. It can be for the purpose of this discussion.
Madison_Sinclair: Geek girl would be dead of course. Like she could live with out her computers.
Veronica_Mars: I'll have you know that Mac has mad wilderness skillz.
Logan_Echolls: Did you just say "mad wilderness skillz"?
Veronica_Mars: Technically, I typed it and I was using the words "mad" and "skillz" quasi-ironically.
Logan_Echolls: We can use words "quasi-ironically" now?
Veronica_Mars: Yes.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Um, guys? The topic is post-apocalyptic life not word usage.
Gia_Goodman: The apocalypse would be so sad. I mean like, if people are running for their lives or whatever, are they going to remember to bring their pets along too? And what if they've got a lot of pets, like they keep chickens or whatever? Or if their cat has just had kittens? Or fish!? They'd totally be hard to transport.
Logan_Echolls: Only you Gia would come up with such a unique perspective on the situation.
Gia_Goodman: Thanks!
Dick_Casablancas: So now we have to worry about pet care in an apocalypse?
Veronica_Mars: I don't think it's a bad point to raise. I've got a dog and though he can defend himself, he can't hunt for his own food.
Dick_Casablancas: Screw the animals. You need to have your priorities in check for an apocalypse. Here's what I'd do.

Veronica_Mars: Wow, that was actually kind of smart.
Dick_Casablancas: Not done yet Ron Ron.

Madison_Sinclair: Is anybody else worried that Dick is making sense?
Dick_Casablancas:

Cassidy_Casablancas: Oh my god.
Veronica_Mars: Did you actually just say that?
Gia_Goodman: I think that's a little insensitive Dick. Do you have issues with your own body image that you might be projecting?
Madison_Sinclair: God, Dick! You are just so immature. We can't eat fat people Dick! It sets a precedent. Then it's a slippery slope to eating thin people.
Veronica_Mars: Madison! The hell?
Logan_Echolls: Am I the only one who thinks all this is amusing?
Veronica_Mars: Amusing? Madison's number 1 objection to Dick's cannibalism is that it would set a precedent!
Cindy_Mackenzie: Breathe deep Veronica.
Veronica_Mars: It’s ok, I’m calm now.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Guys let's just drop the cannibalism. Block it from our minds. I think this sound off can still be saved.
Logan_Echolls: I think not.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Logan, what would you do in a post-apocalyptic world?
Logan_Echolls: Can we choose a different kind of apocalypse?
Cassidy_Casablancas: Ok.
Logan_Echolls: Well if unicorns killed 99.9% of the world's population I'd probably live on my yacht, because although unicorns can swim, they can't swim forever. Eventually they'd drown and die.
Cindy_Mackenzie: Killer unicorns?
Veronica_Mars: Logan, unicorns are beautiful, magical creatures who would never hurt anybody.
Logan_Echolls: If they would never hurt anybody, then why do they have those horns on their foreheads?
Gia_Goodman: I think they use them to defend virgins or people who are pure. But I still don't think that unicorns are a very scary apocalypse.
Logan_Echolls: Ok, they're killer zombie unicorns.
Veronica_Mars: Ah, but would a zombie unicorn get tired of swimming? I think not. They'd sink your yacht by poking holes in the hull with their horns.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Are we actually debating an apocalypse of “killer zombie unicorns”? I thought we’d discuss how society would re-shape itself, what system of government we’d choose, how we’d deal without technology.
Dick_Casablancas: Wow, that was pretty optimistic of you. I thought I’d raised you to be more pessimistic about life.
Gia_Goodman: Well if the apocalypse were to happen, I guess I’d just be mostly concerned about my family.
Veronica_Mars: Me too.
Logan_Echolls: Me three... Oh wait, just remembered who my dad is and that I'm not fond of him.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, you’ve got Trina. And she’s totally smokin’ hot. I’d re-populate the planet with her.
Logan_Echolls: I am going to be sick.
Madison_Sinclair: I don’t have to worry about my family being killed. Our house was built back during that whole cold war thing and the original owners installed this totally awesome bomb shelter.
Cindy_Mackenzie: How nice for you and your family.
Madison_Sinclair: We mostly use it as a wine cellar now.
Dick_Casablancas: I think we have a panic room at our house but I can’t remember where it is.
Logan_Echolls: I had a house once…
Gia_Goodman: And how does that make you feel Logan?
Logan_Echolls: Honestly Gia? I’m an emotional wreck. I really loved that TV.
Cassidy_Casablancas: This sound off was a complete waste of time. We’re just going to have to pick another topic and do it all over again.
Dick_Casablancas: Aw crap.

This drawing was discovered in a trash can outside Clemmons' office.

Special thanks go out to afrocurl, babsonite, bennet_7, dark_roast, kaosmalek and spadada.

Volume 1: Issue 3

2006-07-10T03:09:52Z

Madison’s Celebrity Scoop
by Madison Sinclair

Stavros crashes Paris’ car

Paris Hilton’s boyfriend, Greek shipping heir Stavros Niarchos, has crashed her car…into a parked truck! Also in the car at the time were Kimberly Stewart (Rod Stewart’s daughter), Talan Torriero (from Laguna Beach) and Paris herself. Sadly, nobody was injured, because seriously, how lame is that? Apparently, Stavros was drunk and very nearly hit someone on the street. In this case, I think that even Paris Hilton deserves better than this idiot.

For those of you who can’t afford People magazine and are thus ‘not in the know’, Paris has a $200,000 Bentley GT – I’m thinking of asking for one for my 18th birthday which is just around the corner for those who want to know! And this entire incident has just cemented one of my philosophies of life - always take his car when you go out together. That way, when he does something stupid and embarrassing, you’ll still have your car and can go to the spa where you contemplate ways to dump him while receiving a shiatsu massage.

Tom Cruise gets new publicist

Tom Cruise has hired a new publicist which means he’s had to fire his old one…his sister. I know that sounds kind of bad but it’s really not. I mean, some of his recent actions have just been misinterpreted by the media and so he needs extra help.

You see, sometimes good publicity is more important than family. I mean, the majority of the media hasn't been understanding of him at all lately and they've been portraying him in a negative light. Well I won't stand for it! I shall defend Tom Cruise with my last breath! He is NOT a bad guy for firing his sister as some people here at the Navigator have suggested:

Logan: Actually, what I said was that he’s an alien.
Veronica: I said that he was gay…and mentally deranged.
Duncan: I don’t really have an opinion on this.
Gia: I’m totally worried about Katie.
Dick: Yeah, we should, like, liberate Katie or whatever. She’s smokin. Or she was back on Dawson’s Creek. Cruise is a fruit loop.

Sarah Michelle Gellar attacks shallow starlets

At a recent banquet for the Step Up Women’s Network, Sarah Michelle Gellar said, "Think about Rosa Parks. There was a woman who did so much for other women. And nowadays, women are famous for the way they wear their hair. Or designers they wear. Or who they date."

To Sarah Michelle Gellar, I say, “I agree with you in principle, however, until political activists do their political activities in a Gucci halter dress two sizes too small, Prada pumps, with a Fendi clutch purse, and while completely and utterly wasted, they’re just not going to be as interesting as our current crop of starlets who are always stealing each other’s boyfriends and developing eating disorders. It may not be noble work but it is entertaining.”

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

My boyfriend bought me a kitten for my birthday. I think it was really sweet of him, but there’s just one problem – I’m allergic to cats! Should I tell him, or just stock up on the antihistamines?

-- Sneezy

Dear Sneezy,

According to several undoubtedly reputable sources on the Internet, cats are often seen as symbols of sexuality, magic, femininity and intuition. Also, Satan worship. Take your pick, I suppose. At any rate, it seems to me that your boyfriend is trying to tell you to loosen up a little, lay off the army boots and try running a brush through your hair every once in a while. It can’t hurt, right?

Oh, I also read that overexposure to the source of an allergen can often diminish or even eliminate the allergic reaction. Try sleeping with the precious little puss directly on your face for the next two weeks. That should take care of your problem.

-- Logan

***

Dear Logan,

My English teacher clearly has it out for me. Every paper I write gets a D or an F, and whenever I go in for tutoring, she says it’s my fault because I’m not working hard enough! I can’t get a failing grade in that class – I’ll never get into a decent college! Help!

-- Maligned

Dear Maligned,

Clearly, what we’re dealing with here is a failure to communicate. Teachers are people, too. Pathetic, unfulfilled people who couldn’t cut it in their fields, but people nonetheless. And all people have one thing in common – greed. Have you tried purchasing your grade? Alternately, you could retain the services of a good hacker. Their rates are usually fairly competitive at this time of the year.

Incidentally, Mr. Clemmons, if you’re reading this, surely even you must be hip enough to know that “hacker” is a contemporary euphemism for writing tutor, right? If not, that would just be sad.

-- Logan

***

Dear Logan,

Oh my god. My best friend says that pink is like the new orange, but I say it’s totally yellow. Back me up here.

-- Like No Way

Dear Madison,

We’ve been through this. Yellow doesn’t work on you because it makes you look fat. Even Dick thinks so.

-- Logan

***

Dear Logan,

You seem like you get laid a lot. What are some of your best pick-up lines?

-- Pimp Dizzle Horn Dog

Dear Pimp Dizzle Ho– sorry, I just can’t,

While I’m reluctant to share my best material with the uninitiated, I can tell you this: Girls love it when you treat them like one of the guys. Seriously. Forget that flowers-and-candles crap. Get two tickets to a Slayer show, or even better, a monster truck rally. Now, a brief nod to tradition is fine – feel free to treat her to a hot dog and some domestic… soda. But don’t go overboard with the “being a gentleman” thing. You want to seem nice and heavy in the loafers, you know?

Also, pet names are a must. I recommend Sugarpuss. Sweet, but emphasizes what’s really important about your lady friend.

Oh, and don’t forget to throw in an ass-slap every now and again. Nothing says “I care about you” like a little possessive public fondling.

Best of luck, man!

-- Logan

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

Perspectives... "Veganism"
with special guest Cindy Mackenzie

Donald Watson, coiner of the term vegan, died last week on November 16, 2005, at his Cumbria home in Keswick, England, at the age of 95. Watson, who became a vegetarian in his early teens, co-founded the Vegan Society in 1944. A pacifist, Watson was active in both the Leicester and Cumbria Vegetarian Societies at different times in his life. You can learn more about Donald Watson, here.

Vegetarianism and veganism are often more than simple eating plans to those who adopt them; they can be part of a complete lifestyle, reflecting a person's ethics and entire world view. In honor of Mr. Watson's lifelong commitment to his ideals, and in keeping with Neptune Navigator Online's mission to present a broad and contemporary exploration of the issues on the minds of NHS students, seniors Madison Sinclair and Cynthia MacKenzie chat about vegetarianism and veganism.

--Duncan Kane; Senior Editor; Neptune Navigator

Madison Sinclair: I'd never heard of Douglas Watson until I got this assignment. Do you want to talk about him, Cynthia? And can I call you Cindy? When I was little, my parents were strict freaks about TV until they realized they were fighting a losing battle. Anyhow, I used to have to sneak just to watch The Brady Bunch re-runs. I used to wish my name was Cindy, although not so much any more, because it's way dated, and now pigtails make my face look puffy, you know, like yours does with your hair in whatever that style is.

Cynthia MacKenzie: All righty. Call me Mac, and that's Donald, by the way.

Mad: MacDonald? It says here, "MacKenzie".

Mac: My last name is MacKenzie. I mean the name of the founder of The Vegan Society is Donald. Watson. Donald Watson.

Mad: Okay, so you're a vegan. Why don't you tell us about that.

Mac: That's what I'm here to do, although I'm a vegetarian, I'm not a full-fledged vegan, at least not yet. In short, vegans do not consume any animal products.

Mad: But that's like Vegetarianism, right? What's the difference?

Mac: Veganism is a form of vegetarianism. You can read more about it here. All vegans are vegetarians, but not all vegetarians are vegans. For example, there are Lacto-Ovarian Vegetarians, who abstain from meat, but will consume dairy products and/or eggs. Dietary vegans do not eat anything that comes from any animal, including by-products such as whey, gelatin, and the like. Some people's vegan convictions extend beyond the food they eat, and this sort of veganism is sometimes referred to as ethical veganism. Vegans of this sort will not use anything, be it health and beauty products (such as those containing lanolin), medicines, or clothes and shoes which require animals or their products somewhere in the testing or manufacturing process.

Mad: Clothes and shoes! What does that even mean, like no feather boas?

Mac: I was thinking of leather, but yes, sure.

Mad: No leather, either? I don't get it. The cows are already dead. Are vegans like barefoot all the time, or something?

Mac: No. There are plenty of alternatives to leather, including synthetics.

Mad: You mean vegans wear more than just hemp T-shirts?

Mac: Of course. The key is to figure out if any non-human animals are exploited during any part of the process of obtaining a material, be it food, fabric, whatever. For example, silk is out.

Mad: I'm sorry Mac, but fashion commentary? Obviously not your strong suit and FYI, silk is never out.

Mac: I mean silk is not an option for vegans who extend their philosophy beyond their diet. Silk is the by-product of a non-human animal. Typically, vegans reject anything that smacks of cruelty or exploitation (high school excepted). It'd probably be better to confine our discussion to vegetarianism and dietary veganism.

Mad: Fine. Now, I can understand avoiding eggs, but what's the deal with dairy? You do know the cows aren't killed or anything, they're just milked, right?

Mac: Yes, but dairy products are taken by humans, from non-human animals, without their consent, and in the U.S. at least, dairy cows endure some horrendous conditions in factory farms.

Mad: But they're like...animals. And what's all this about honey?

Mac: Again, honey is a product made by a non-human animal for its own purposes. From the vegan point of view, to take honey from the bee is exploitation, plain and simple. You know, this is where veganism starts to involve a whole world view I don't think we're prepared to discuss, here.

Mad: You were starting to sound like one of those freakball PETA types anyhow, and I'm sorry, but I really can't discuss people who would throw paint on an expensive fur coat. I mean, talk about disrespect for life! A lot of minks died for the sake of that coat, and throwing paint on it, is like spitting on their graves. Let's get to the important issues. First of all, how much weight do vegetarians lose? I mean--on average, and are vegans skinnier than regular vegetarians?

Mac: It's really not about weight, although vegetarians get interested in the lifestyle for a number of reasons and health is certainly among those reasons. Vegetarianism, and veganism in particular, is about respect for life. It's about making a decision to not exploit those creatures with whom we share this planet.

Mad: It would be impossible to stick to Atkins on a vegan diet, so that's probably just as well. Let's get to the other important issue. Celebrities.

Mac: What about them?

Mad: I know there are a lot of hot celebrity vegetarians and animal rights spokesmodels, but when I Googled for celebrity vegans, although there are some, they're not all that. Do you think that's because they're not getting enough protein?

Mac: I don't know how to answer that.

Mad: That's surprising. I had you figured as a brain.

Mac: Um...thanks?

Mad: What I mean is, the list is full of has-beens like Woody Harrelson, Lindsay Wagner, Mariel Hemingway and Alicia Silverstone. Possibly Paul McCartney, but he might be just a regular vegetarian, and he's all old and his dye job is atrocious. Sure, there are a couple of somewhat fringe-trendies, but even they're already on the downward spiral like Moby, Fiona Apple (whose veganism is totally ironic, considering her name), Bill Maher, Thom Yorke of Radiohead, and Casey Affleck (who is only someone because of his brother, who is only still someone because of Jennifer Garner). The only hot people were Prince, and Joaquin Phoenix, who are both only hot because they're freaks. So, there's no weight-loss guarantee, and few-to-none hot celebs. Really, why should someone like me consider veganism?

Mac: Much like Donald Watson, I do not feel it is my place to push vegetarianism or veganism on anyone else. I would help someone who wanted to explore it, but it is a personal choice, and one I realize is not for everyone, especially someone like you.

Mad: I thought you were supposed to be an expert or something. As you know, we've been trying out our new IM technology that let's this conversation archive directly to the Neptune Navigator blog.

Mac: Yes, I coded that.

Mad: That's good. Girls who look and dress like you should be smart, so you having something going for you. Anyhow, our editor has asked some of the NHS faculty and Navigator staff to log on, and ask you some questions. Are you ready?

Mac: Ready as I'll ever be.

Mr. Wu: Mac, what's the biggest challenge you face as a vegan? Is it nutritional, or social?

Mac: Great question, Mr. Wu. Without a doubt, it is social. I'm actually not a full-fledged vegan. I'm a vegetarian and I flirt with veganism, but it is a continual struggle to get my family to understand my choices. At this point, I've stopped hoping they'll understand, and would gladly settle for some acceptance.

Ms. Hauser: Are you making sure you get enough complete proteins through the discipline of combining vegetable protein sources, such that you get the full available range of amino acids?

Mac: I'm glad you brought that up, Ms. Hauser. "Combining" also known as "Protein complementing" was all the rage a few decades back, due, in large part, to Frances Moore Lappé's bestseller, Diet for a Small Planet. Briefly, this involved matching rice with beans (or combining other so-called "complementary" plant protein sources) and was a complicated process. The latest and best science debunks this idea, as does common sense. Lappé, whose book is otherwise excellent, and whose overall philosophy has influenced my own, has even recanted. Read more about it, here.

Mad: Okay, before we put everyone to sleep, let's get some student perspectives on this vegan thing. Are you ready, Navigator staff?

Cassidy Casablancas: Mac, I have a couple of questions.

Mac: Go ahead, Cassidy.

Cassidy Casablancas: Which foods do you miss the most? Also, in your answer to Mr. Wu, you indicate the social aspect was more challenging than the nutritional side of the equation. Is it just your family that's difficult, or have you ever felt like you had to keep it a secret from your peers?

Mac: Thanks, Cassidy. As I mentioned above, I'm still flirting with veganism, and largely, that's because I'm still living with my parents, and because I do have a hard time giving up cheese (and pizza), and ice cream. There are soy based alternatives, and some are excellent, but...well, I think it will be easier when I'm out on my own. Secrets...hmm. I've never been asked that, before. I haven't ever felt like I've had to keep my choices a secret from my peers, but it's not something I talk a lot about, unless it comes up. One plus to being a teenager in SoCal is that vegetarianism, even veganism, is considered fairly normal. I have to tell myself that. A lot.

Mad: I see Dick Casablancas has logged on. Are you ready Dick?

Dick Casablancas: I was born ready. Name the time and place, baby.

Mad: Tonight. In your dreams. Please now, Dick. Any questions for Mac?

Dick Casablancas: Who is Mac, again?

Mad: Here.

Dick Casablancas: HA! Okay, Mac, dude. So is it true that all lesbians are vegetarians? I mean, they don't eat meat.

Duncan Kane: Next.

Dick Casablancas: Wait. Wait. What do you call a vegan who likes to pleasure himself? A non-dairy creamer. Get it?

Duncan Kane: Dick, we're live, here.

Dick Casablancas: Okay, Mac, if vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Duncan Kane: Mac, you can go ahead and terminate his session.

Mac: Already done.

Duncan Kane: Sorry about that folks. We don't yet have the ability to edit, and our language filter only does so much. So, that about wraps up this session of Perspectives. If you have an interest in veganism or vegetarianism, please e-mail me here at the Neptune Navigator Online. I will forward all serious questions to Mac.

Got an issue you would like us to explore from new Perspectives? Want to participate in a future session? Leave a comment at the end of this issue and put "Perspectives" in the subject line.

My Supernatural review
by Gia Goodman

This week, my review of Supernatural is about the episode "Home," which is one of the best episodes so far, in my opinion.

Jenny, a single mother, moves into the Winchester family's old house with her two small children, and right away, strange things start to happen. The original house burned down twenty years ago, when Mary Winchester was killed by that demon who stuck her to the ceiling and set her on fire (which I covered in my last review). The house has been rebuilt, but evil is still hanging around to try and hurt the new occupants. I guess evil has nothing better to do.

Jenny's daughter Sari says she doesn't like the house, and that there's a monster in her closet. Of course, Jenny doesn't believe her. Why doesn't anybody ever listen to kids in horror stories? They're always right! When I was a little kid, there was an earthquake that made a big crack in my bedroom wall. I had nightmares about a crinkly witch who was almost flat, like a piece of paper. She lived in the crack in the wall, except she came out after dark. My dad promised me that once the crack was plastered over, she'd be trapped inside, but I wasn't so sure. What if she was outside the crack when they plastered it over? Parents think they know everything. If only I'd known to buy myself some rock salt and a giant crucifix, I wouldn't have been so scared.

Anyway, Jenny investigates the creepy basement in the dark, where she finds a trunk full of photos and mementos belonging to the Winchester family. That's a lot better than what I was afraid she'd find, but, it's still early in the episode.

Meanwhile, Sam has a nightmare about the old house. He wakes up and announces to Dean that they have to go back home. Dean wants an explanation, and Sam tells Dean he's been having psychic dreams, just like Madame Sophie on t.v. In fact, he dreamed about his girlfriend Jessica's death weeks before it happened - but he didn't do anything, believing his nightmares were just nightmares. (Oh, poor Sam. My heart just broke for him, and I really wanted to hug him.) Of course, Dean is upset, and tells Sam that he promised himself he would never, ever go back to that house, and now both brothers are all freaked out and woobie and adorable.

But, the funny part is that Dean makes a remark about Sam having "The Shining," and then later in the episode, Dean busts a door down with an axe, just like Jack Nicholson. Also, a plumber gets his hand chewed up in the garbage disposal. He sticks his hand down there after he notices one of those cymbal-clapping monkey toys sitting on a shelf in the kitchen, and blood comes pouring out of the open pipe underneath the sink. Yikes! And, ew! Hey, there's your problem right there, Jenny -- get that monkey out of your house! Haven't we learned anything from Stephen King? Supernatural is so supernatural -- it's freaky! It's like they know which books I used to sneak from my dad's study when no one was looking, and read under the covers when I was supposed to be sleeping. They were so scary! And I used to watch horror movies with my babysitter when my parents were at parties. That is probably what made me have the nightmares about the witch in the walls; or maybe it wasn't a nightmare. That's exactly what Sam thought, and look what happened.

Anyway, I never stick my hand down the garbage disposal. Maybe I've just seen to many scary movies, but I'm always afraid the disposal will turn on by itself. If nothing else, I'll put my hand in something incredibly gross, guaranteed. It's like when you were in grade school, and at the Halloween party, there was that box set up with the holes cut inside, and labels like "Intestines," and "Zombie Eyeballs," and you'd reach in, and there would always be something icky in there. That's why you put a fork in the disposal, not your fingers.

So, Dean and Sam travel back to Lawrence, Kansas. This episode really gets into the big story arc about the Ceiling Demon, and reveals a lot about the Winchester family history, and how much Dean and Sam care for each other. I love that the central theme of Supernatural is always family. But, this episode also makes me feel absolutely positive that John Winchester is The Worst Father Ever. There's this one scene where Dean and Sam stop at a gas station to discuss the case, after meeting with Jenny and her children. They're both upset about by memories of the old house, and by Sari's description of the monster in her closet, which she says was on fire. Dean excuses himself to go to the bathroom. He goes around the side of the gas station, out of Sam's sight, and calls their father. Of course, he gets John Winchester's voice mail. He leaves a message, begging his father for help, his voice breaking and his eyes filling up with tears -- and believe me, at that point, I just wanted to throw my arms around my television set, and give Dean a great big hug. And does Daddy Winchester show up to help his boys? No! They're on their own. Except for a psychic named Missouri Mosley, an old friend of their father's. Missouri gets on Dean's case about everything, which is so hilarious, since she can pick up exactly what Dean is thinking back at her. Together, the three of them help Jenny and her family rid the house of evil forces.

"Home" is funny and moving, and super-spooky, and has an awesome twist at the end. (Which I will not reveal, of course.) You'll just have to watch it. Thursday, nine p.m. on the WB. Prepare for a scare!

Veronica + The Office = Normal?
by Veronica Mars with Logan Echolls

Veronica Mars: In my last entry, Wallace suggested I watch the The Office (US), in my quest to approximate a normal life. In theory, we were going to write about it together. In practice, he's unavailable. Two Navigator staff members watch The Office: Duncan Kane and Logan Echolls. Guess which one has the time, in theory, to blog about the show?

Logan Echolls: Why isn't Duncan doing this? Oh, right. He's been visiting the hospital a lot. Look, I'm only here because Duncan asked, and the Presidential Suite is more my style than Neptune's Home for Little Wanderers.

VM: Logan, you realize everything we post is going straight to the blog, right? To keep it fresh and conversational, we're essentially having an IM conversation that is archived directly to the blog. The the edit feature is still in development.

LE: What the ****? And you couldn't be bothered to inform me before now?

VM: Read the e-mail from Mac. Also, there's a language filter.

LE: Mac? Oh. Techno-dweeb. Whatever. DK can fix it.

VM: In theory, yes.

LE: And in practice?

VM: In practice, he can only edit it before the deadline, which we're well past, thanks to your busy schedule of bimbos and Battlefield 2.

LE: Let me get this straight. There's a ******* censor built in, but no ******* edit feature? ARE YOU ******* KIDDING ME?!? Why did I agree to this, again?

VM: Perhaps because the Neptune Home for Little Wanderers has no room service? Look, I'm not thrilled with this arrangement, either. The whole premise was supposed to be an average guy showing me the ways of normal teen life. That part's pretty much blown out of the water. Can we just do it?

LE: Yes, let's. How far have you gotten?

VM: I've seen the first season, plus a few from season 2.

LE: The first season was brief—six episodes. Thoughts?

VM: Love it! The Office tops my list of pleasant surprises. It's a short list.

LE: Okay, then. The rest of this discussion contains SPOILERS for Season 1 of The Office, and mentions of season 2..

VM: I don't understand spoiler-aversion. If there's information out there, I need it.

LE: The first step in recovery is admitting you have a problem.

VM: And when you take that step, Logan, I'll be there for you. Well, not me. Probably a parole officer. The Office is set in the Scranton, Pennsylvania branch of the Dunder-Mifflin Paper Company, Inc. In 1:01, a documentary crew has begun filming day-to-day action in their office. Corporate has informed them that they are one of two branches which may be shut down.

LE: That's The Pilot, in a nutshell. The documentary is part of the fictional premise—a "mockumentary" if you will. An actual documentary would be too boring, even for those with a seemingly unquenchable thirst for the bland.

VM: But of course, it is because the setting and characters are so ordinary, that The Office is enjoyable. There's no angst. No bloodshed. No people labeled "persons of interest" by the local Sheriff.

LE: And? The cameras aren't hidden in iPods.

VM: The Office is based on the critically acclaimed British comedy of the same name, developed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant, which left me hesitant to watch what I was afraid could only end up being a pale imitation of the real thing.

LE: How unlike you.

VM: ::sigh:: As an adaptation, there are certain similarities, and the occasional homage. The main characters in the U.S. version map to those in the U.K. original, and the premiere episode of the U.S. version was pretty much a duplicate of its U.K. counter-part. It only took a couple of episodes though, for the U.S. version to stand on its own. For more comparisons, see this wiki article, which even matches the U.S. characters to their U.K. counterparts.

LE: Today, let's stick to Michael, Dwight, Ryan, Jim, Pam, and Angela.

VM: Why don't you do the guys?

LE: Not your thing these days, huh? I warned you about the cuddling. First off, we have Scranton Regional Manager, Michael Scott, played by the gifted Steve Carell, the lead from the summer's smash hit, The Forty Year Old Virgin.

VM: Love him! Duncan and I had a better time at that movie than we've ever had at any movie. Ever.

LE: You saw that with me.

VM: Are you sure?

LE: It wasn't long before we broke up. I took you to a sneak preview. Time to dig out your Feelings Journal. Now, Michael is always performing. He is an insensitive attention hound, who can't manage himself, never mind his own staff.

VM: That's what she said.

LE: Heh. Once a star salesman for Dunder-Mifflin, he's the Peter Principle in practice in his present position—Scranton's obnoxious, obligatory, inappropriate jackass.

VM: But more neurotic than psychotic.

LE: I'll see your non-sequitur and raise you a segue. Dwight Schrute is played by the extraordinary Rainn Wilson, who was undertaker Arthur Martin on HBO's skein, Six Feet Under. Dwight is the oddest of this office full of oddballs. Kissing up to Michael is his favorite activity and most well-honed skill as Assistant Regional Manager.

VM: "to the"

LE: Hush. Don't be you and spoil everything. Next we have Ryan Howard, played by B.J. Novak, who is also a staff writer. His character is well employed introducing us, and the documentary crew, to Dunder-Mifflin.

VM: How so?

LE: Hmmm. Let me approach that from another angle. Do you remember the early days of E.R.?

VM: Um, I was like 7 when it premiered, What 7 year old stays up 'til 10, to watch adult drama?

LE: Me. E.R. was our 'quality time'. I think unnamed people were bucking for guest spots. Anyhow, you know the John Carter character, right?

VM: Of course.

LE: Early on, Carter was the audience's window to life in the E.R. Because Ryan, like the documentary crew (and us) is new to the office, in early episodes, the office staff is as foreign to him as they are to the documentary crew. As he gets to know the staff, so do we.

VM: That was just unexpectedly astute. For you.

LE: Woe is me. Type cast as pretty boy in your rigid, little mind. Why must you be so hard?

VM: That's what she said.

LE: Look, I might not know as much about 'normal' or whatever as your 'baller friend, but I do know a thing or two about faking it.

VM: That's what she said.

LE: Which brings me exactly to my point. If you want to at least pass for normal, stop parroting Michael.

VM: I know, I'm just giddy—head over heels for this show.

LE: I know what you mean. You don't expect it, and then? BAM! Something happens.

VM: Exactly. Now, come on. We're burning daylight, buckaroo… You have one guy left from our list.

LE: Yes, and that guy is John Krasinski's Jim Halpert. Chicks are wild about this guy, and I'm not exactly sure why. He's not bad looking, but he's no Tom Welling.

VM: Mmmmm. My happy place. My man Halpert is hot. He's got the hotness of two guys, crammed into his one guy package.

LE: And his package is your happy place?

VM: Oh, ****.

LE: I kind of like that we can't edit. ANYHOW... Jim spends a good chunk of his time tormenting fellow sales rep. and uber-dweeb Dwight, which is why I like Jim so much. I suspect what impresses the chicks though, is that Jim has a big thing (and that's what she said) for receptionist Pam Beesly, played by the hotter-in-real-life Jenna Fischer. The documentary crew quickly zeros in on the Jim/Pam chemistry, and tries to catch them off their guard. Like Dawn and Tim, their U.K. progenitors, Pam and Jim are already a focus of fan speculation.

VM: Right. It's fun to see his crush progress. In the first episode, you suspect it, but you're mostly only sure they enjoy each other's company. By 1:02, Diversity Day, she's fallen asleep with her head on his shoulder, during a seminar, and he's clearly smitten. It heats up in The Alliance, when Roy seems to catch on, and then in Basketball. Of course it's all one way, so it's just a matter of will he, or won't he.

LE: Are you high? It's more like: when will they; for how long will they; and how hard will that rock.

VM: Are you delusional? Pam is just a nice, normal girl, and she's already engaged. Just because she's friendly to Jim doesn't mean there's anything under the surface.

LE: Under the surface? You've seen Basketball and Hot Girl. It's already bubbling up and over! Are you blind? Jim/Pam, or "JAM" as the kids are calling it—they're going to be epic. Pam just has to loosen up, and stop being so afraid of anything outside of her narrow, skewed preconceptions. When she comes to her senses, she'll be all Jim's.

VM: Why would she take the risk? You know so little about women. Pam has a nice, dependable fiance, in Roy. They've been together for years. Relationships like that don't just end, because someone who is—granted—hot, shows a little interest in the girl.

LE: No, I suppose they don't, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't. People grow and change.

VM: Not everyone.

LE: You come see me by the end of season two, and we'll see if you feel the same way you do, today. Now, let's have a little girl on girl action. We've already covered Pam, I guess, so you-know-who is left.

VM: So juvenile. Okay, but as of the end of season 1, it looked to me like Jim will be involved with Katie for the foreseeable future.

LE: Look, Katie's smokin' if you like them fresh-faced and silicone-free, and if there were no Pam in his world, well then maybe she'd end up being important to Jim, but if she's not gone by February Sweeps, I'll do an entry here, saying how wrong I am, and how right you are. About everything. Ever.

VM: You're on, but is that a spoiler?

LE: No. I just know show business.

VM: Like no business you know?

VM: I'm just saying Katie's a short-timer, Veronica. Hot—but no endurance.

VM: Okay, where were we?

LE: You know you remind me of her, right?

VM: Katie?

LE: No. You know who I mean.

VM: Oh, maybe it's working, then. When he gave me the DVDs, Wallace's advice boiled down to, "If you want to be a normal girl, just copy Pam."

LE: HA! Pam! You wish! I wish! The class of 2006 wishes!

VM: Then who?

LE: Angela. Clearly, Angela. All tight-***** and self-righteous. Okay, so you're not that religious, and your freaky tastes run to unicorns and angry kitties rather than strangely dressed babies, but you're Angela. Or Jan. Both, actually. It's the long-suffering, suspicious, killjoy vibe.

VM: I'm ignoring that, both because of your delusions and because I think you're mixing season 2 information in there. Okay, so Angela Kinsey plays accountant Angela Martin. I have been doing some snooping on the internet, and her story line seems to heat up in the second season, so I'm afraid to say much here. Besides, we really ought to put this thing to bed. So, this is Veronica Mars. We'll be back next time with recaps and reviews of some season 2 episodes of The Office. Any parting words for our readers, Logan?

LE: Of course. This is Logan Echolls, with Veronica Mars, leaving you something to chew on, 'til next time:

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.—Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut

VM: I had to ask…

Sound Off: Book Review
Moderator: Duncan Kane

You have entered room: Sound Off.
Duncan_Kane: Greetings Neptune High! In honor of our librarian Cathy Belben's retirement, Mr. Clemmons asked our journalism staff to review some of the most read books at Neptune High.
Dick_Casablancas: Books? Dude, you totally lied when you told me we’d talk about chicks today! I’m so out of here.
Gia_Goodman: Reading makes you smart!
Logan_Echolls: So does having a brain.
Duncan_Kane: How are we already off topic? I did lie Dick, but I figured you wouldn’t show if I said books. Now that you’re here you might as well stay and give commentary from an outsider’s perspective. The first book we are discussing is a very famous mystery/thriller that deals with one of the biggest conspiracies in the world. It is The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown.
Cassidy_Casablancas: The book was pretty suspenseful. I never would have guessed some of the twists. I loved how there were so many different storylines and characters spread across the book.
Veronica_Mars: Aside from the female lead, I thought most of the book was lame. Brown has no particular flair in his writing, and it led to awkward exposition. Plus, the ending was totally predictable.
Duncan_Kane: Maybe it was predictable for you, but I was pretty surprised by most of it. What don’t you find predictable?
Veronica_Mars: Anything by Agatha Christie or Dashiell Hammett. Those are the type of authors that make you actually think!
Gia_Goodman: I agree with Veronica.
Veronica_Mars: You do?
Duncan_Kane: You do?
Logan_Echolls: You know how to think?
Gia_Goodman: No, about the female lead being cool. She was so smart and pretty! She is totally like number 11 on my idol list.
Duncan_Kane: What did you think of the rest of the book?
Gia_Goodman: It was kind of confusing. Like the author’s descriptions of places and stuff made me dizzy. I mean, one second we were in the Louvre, the next second we were in Paris.
Madison_Sinclair: The Louvre is in Paris, Gia. And the descriptions of it were accurate.
Veronica_Mars: Like you know anything about the Louvre, Madison.
Madison_Sinclair: I know a lot more about it then you, Mars. I’ve been there, multiple times.
Veronica_Mars: Leave it to you 09ers to believe you can buy intelligence.
Logan_Echolls: The book was okay. Slow in the beginning but once the action started, it was fairly intense. My problem with it was the story line - not exactly believable.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, you read it?
Logan_Echolls: Yeah. There wasn’t really anything else to do in my cell.
Duncan_Kane: That’s an interesting point about it being not believable, Logan. This book does have some members of the Christian community up in arms.
Logan_Echolls: Yeah, all that religion stuff was questionable. I mean, Brown is basically saying that these Opus Dei have no problem killing innocent people to protect a secret, which doesn’t quite settle with me.
Cassidy_Casablancas: I don't think it's unbelievable. Historically, both individuals, religions and governments have killed to protect their secrets. It's just a lot more difficult to imagine in today's world of constant media coverage.
Veronica_Mars: I agree, Logan. It was another reason I didn’t like the book.
Duncan_Kane: I also agree. That part was kind of exaggerated.
Dick_Casablancas: Whoa, is that the first time that everyone in sound-off agreed on something?
Cassidy_Casablancas:Hello? I didn’t agree.
Duncan_Kane: Sorry Beaver, but it looks like we are out of time for this book. The next book we are discussing is Jane Austen’s classic novel of the greatest love story of all time. It is Pride & Prejudice
Logan_Echolls: The greatest love story of all time? I’m sorry, are you still a dude?
Duncan_Kane: I got the tagline off imdb. I haven’t actually read the book.
Logan_Echolls: Me neither. It’s a total chick thing.
Veronica_Mars: Logan, you read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. And you cried in the movie!
Logan_Echolls: Well you had taken over the role of the dude in our relationship. I was just filling in the gap.
Dick_Casablancas: The girls in that movie were hot! I watched it a couple times with the volume off, if you know what I mean!
Duncan_Kane: Let’s get back on topic. I asked around, and a fellow senior, Jackie Cook, had this to say about the book, “Six-hundred pages of pasty white chicks cat-fighting over some stick-up-his-butt dude's prospects. It’s torture!”
Madison_Sinclair: I love it! It’s so romantic! Although I did disprove of Mr. Darcy and Mr. Bingley marrying beneath them. Why would any handsome upper class men marry poor, gross women?
Dick_Casablancas: C’mon Maddy, I know you didn’t really read it!
Madison_Sinclair: Of course not! I watched the movie. Colin Firth is so dreamy. You watched it too you know.
Dick_Casablancas: I have no memory of this.
Madison_Sinclair: That time on my sofa, right before we...
Dick_Casablancas: Oh yeah. When you were doing that thing.
Duncan_Kane: Back on topic please, before we all have to bleach our brains!
Gia_Goodman: I love Lizzie. She could also totally be number 11 on my idol list. She is so funny. I try to be funny. Do you guys think I’m funny?
Duncan_Kane: Veronica! You watched the BBC version recently. What did you think?
Veronica_Mars: I’m not really into romance novels and chick flicks. Especially ones that are 6 hours long.
Logan_Echolls: See! My point exactly.
Duncan_Kane: Knock it off, Logan.
Logan_Echolls: Ay ay, Senor editor.
Veronica_Mars: I was going to add that I identified with the main character, Lizzie Bennet. We both have to deal with a snobbish upper class while constantly defending our dignity. She is above the petty way of thinking demonstrated by girls like Caroline Bingley or Madison Sinclair.
Madison_Sinclair: Like you have any dignity, Veronica. You drive a LeBaron.
Veronica_Mars: And that is exactly the attitude that Lizzie rises above. People are going to start thinking this is scripted.
Duncan_Kane: Alright, I don’t think we are going to get much more intelligent debate about this one, so I guess that’s all for this week.
Veronica_Mars: Really? This one went by so much more quickly than the others.
Dick_Casablancas: That’s because it was Dick-less. Just wait until next week when we talk about stuff I know about. Hey Duncan, can we talk chicks next week?
Madison_Sinclair: Like you know anything about girls, Dick.
Duncan_Kane: I don’t think we’ll be doing chicks next week. Sorry Dick.
Logan_Echolls: Speak for yourself, DK.
Veronica_Mars: I see you’re still mature as ever Logan.
Gia_Goodman: I think I’m mature. My dad always has me stay home alone with my little brother.
Duncan_Kane:And with that, I’m declaring this sound off officially over. If you are interested in any of the books discussed today, you can buy them at Amazon, or get them out of the school library. Have a great week everyone!

Special thanks go out to babsonite, bennet_7, cindywrites, dark_roast, mutinousmuse and spadada.

Volume 1: Issue 9

2006-05-16T05:10:45Z

Tragedy struck Neptune once again this week and many of our staffers were affected. To those who lost someone, our deepest sympathies.

Because of this, Issue 9 was a little difficult to publish. Certain students left Neptune abruptly and others straight up refused to help. Luckily, a few submitted articles before graduation.

And in case you're wondering, thanks to those staffers who have classes to make up, the Navigator will continue through the summer months. Our new journalism teacher is making her summer school students edit and format all the back issues that never made it to the internet. So there will be a 'new' issue for you to enjoy every other week.

Again, we know it was a tough week, but shake it off, readers. We're people with lives. We move on. We blog.

Movie review: “Night Watch”
by Corny

Greetings, my righteous fellow movie lovers. You wanna hear about movies, right? Then I’m so the dude for you.

Today, I’ll tell you about a movie that blew up my screen, it was so supremely rad. It’s called Night Watch, and dudes? It’s totally killer.

I couldn’t really understand what was going on a lot of the time, ‘cause A: It’s in some foreign language, like French, or Russian or something, and B: I was a little out of it... Every good movie experience starts with a rockin’ batch of brownies, after all. ;)

But these things totally don’t matter, because, seriously -- prepare yourselves for the awesomeness that is a war between Good and Evil, in the flesh, man. Okay, you’ve got the Nightwatch, and the Daywatch. The Nightwatch keeps its peepers on the creatures of darkness, to, like, make sure they don’t severely screw the agreement that’s been keeping all out war from breaking out for like thousands of years. The Daywatch is all made up of these evil dudes, but they’ve pretty much kept to the agreement, other than a few loose cannons here and there. Oh, yeah, and the Daywatch folks watch the Nightwatchers, also, to make sure that they don’t break any rules.

One thing you gotta understand about these Nightwatchers, my friends, is that they’re not perfect. Our main character, Anton, is an alcoholic and on top of that, completely addicted to blood, because he’s been drinking the stuff to like, heighten his senses or something, so he can track vampires. He’s also totally anti-social, but you canforgive him for that because he’s got a lot on his plate, man.

So, there’s supposed to be this Other to end all Others, literally. Oh, yeah, an Other is what these folks are called, because, you know, they’re Otherworldly, or whatever... So, this Uber-Other. He’s totally just a rumor at the beginning of the movie, but later you get to see who he really is...

The Nightwatch have to keep Uber-Other away from the Daywatch, cause they’d fully corrupt him, you know? And then the whole hippie peace pact would go ker-blooey, and also, lots of humans would die, which -- not cool, man. Also, there’s this cursed Other, that has like a maelstrom of bad juju coming off her head, and she has the ability to seriously screw everything around her, even though she absolutely doesn’t want to. She’s actually a pretty cool chick, if you can get over the goggles they make her sport for glasses.

You’ve also got this vampire chick; she got turned by her boyfriend after the Nightwatch sanctioned it. Boyfriend dude got made seriously dead after his arrest went fatally wrong, and now she’s wicked pissed, because she loved him, and also, she needs a mentor to learn the ways of the bloodsucker. Whatever. Anyway, Anton was gonna pick-up these two lovebirds because they were enticing (I guess the vamps in this flick can use their minds to ‘call’ you to them) this little boy to come to them for dinner. Like, where he was the dinner. That’s so not cool with the Nightwatch. It’s like against all of the rules of the pact thingy.

Anton’s got this sidekick named Olga. She used to be an owl. Seriously. She’s pretty hot, too, in a big-forehead-y kind of way. Totally killer chick, though, and also a witch. And the scene-age where she changes into a human? Dude, I was munching down and my brownie fell out of my mouth… I still can’t find it. I think it went under the couch or something.

So, Anton gets thrashed by this vampire dude, before he kills him with reflected light (so cool) and then him and Olga (the owl lady) have to protect this kid. The kid the vamp chick was 'calling.'

Anton finds out all kinds of stuff about himself, and the kid, and the Daywatch, and everything. I’m not going to tell you any of it, though, ‘cause it’d totally ruin the movie for you, and dude, you gotta see this stuff for yourself.

So go out and rent this flick, make yourself some nice treats, and sit back and enjoy.

Why Chicks Are Overrated
by Dick Casablancas

This is Dick and I’m here to tell you why chicks are overrated. Dude! C’mon, that’s so obvious that even Beaver could figure it out and he doesn’t know anything about girls, even with his new Ghost World girlfriend! I’m pretty sure Beaver and his girlfriend just study all the time anyway and I mean, how lame is that? What’s the point of even having a chick around if you’re not gettin' some? Plus, if you get all emotionally involved with a chick, I guess it’s like getting your surfboard run over when they dump you. Take Logan, for example. He was dating Veronica Mars over the summer (complete rich-dude kryptonite, btw) and when they broke up he was all sad and emo and everything. I swear he was about to cry into his beer one night and how pathetic is that? It’s not like he really got his surfboard run over, you know? Madison’s dumped me tons of times and you never saw me crying about it, did you? Logan can be a total drama queen, but when you care about chicks, it sometimes makes you act all pathetic and that's not cool.

Chicks are also overrated because other than sex, they’re a lot more trouble than they’re worth. I had to go over to Madison’s house for dinner and really, what’s the point? So a chick’s parents can feel better about who's banging their daughter? What does it matter as long as she doesn’t bring home any weird diseases? Like, you know, Veronica Mars! Anyway, Madison’s parents are nice and all, but I swear it’s almost like Madison’s adopted they’re so different. I asked Madison if her Mom slept with the mailman but she got all pissed off and broke up with me for the three hundred and thirty fourth time. Why the hell are chicks so touchy anyway? I mean, it’s nothing to be ashamed of - it happens in the best of families. Chicks are just moody about the stupidest things. Who’s not banging the pool boy these days?

As I was saying, being a lone wolf is cool because no one is telling you what to do or bitching at you because you forgot to buy them a birthday present. If we use Logan as an example again of why chicks are bad news, when he was dating Veronica, he almost never wanted to hang out -- until after they got shot at by some biker gang. Whatever happened to bros before ho’s? Dude, you shouldn’t need to get shot at before you want to hang out with your friends! Chicks make their guys ditch their friends if they think those friends are a bad influence on their boyfriend, but who was there first, huh? Say you got wasted one night and you accidentally fell into the pool, who is going to save your drunk ass from drowning? Your chick or your best bro? Like your chick has the upper body strength to haul your half-dead drunken ass out of the pool! It’s always your best bro. Your chick would probably be standing by the pool either crying or yelling at you for being stupid enough to fall into the pool in the first place and who needs that crap?

By the way, if your chick has the upper body strength to lift you out of the pool, you may want to check down south so you’re not surprised! My little bro pulled this sick ass prank on me once and I swear I almost had to rinse my mouth out with bleach.

Anyway, chicks are overrated and I’d totally become this kick ass ninja monk if they let them drink beer, play video games and go down to Tijuana every few weeks to take care of business. I don’t know about the beer and video games but I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t let you go down to Tijuana, which is lame. I mean, your hand gets tired sometimes, you know? I went to my doctor last summer because my right arm was hurting and he said I had repetitive motion injury or something. I told him that I typed a lot at school because I heard you can also get that problem from typing but I don’t think he believed me. Anyway, I would have totally applied for monk school if I thought they let you go to Tijuana but I don’t think they do. Chicks also get pissed off if you go to Tijuana and they think you got drunk and hooked up with some other girl.

Just in case you get confused by this article, I definitely dig chicks and I’m not into guys or anything. Dick Casablancas is all man, but it’s just not fair to the women of Neptune to just limit myself to one girl. That’s another reason why chicks are overrated! They get all bent out of shape if they see you flirting or hitting on another girl. Dude! Did you see my picture? Why should I deprive other ladies of my sexy self, just because I’m dating someone else? That’s a total chick rule and it’s one of the reasons they suck. We should all be like those people in Utah where they have like a gazillion wives or something. Chicks wouldn’t be so overrated if you could bang a lot of them at once and they made sure you had food and your house was clean and stuff. That would be killer.

I hope you understand by now why chicks are overrated because I’m tired of writing this freaking article. Baywatch is on and I’d rather be watching hot babes jiggle across the screen than writing this crap. I can’t even remember why I signed up for lame newspaper class anyway. Just so you get the main points, I'll recap them for ya: Chicks can be annoying and they get all pissed off and moody, and they can make you act lame if you're stupid enough to care about them. Chicks are great for sex, but remember, it’s your best bro who's gonna save your ass from drowning.

P.S. If you want to have sex and you’re a hot chick, you should totally give me a call.

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan

How do you cope with the stress of finals? I feel like the more I study, the closer I come to losing my mind.

-- Just Want an A

Dear Just Want an A,

Intelligence is overrated. No one admires me for my brilliant wit; they all like me because I'm rich and it doesn't matter if I flunk out of school, as long as I keep the party going. No, wait a second. This is actually a Foreigner song.

Anyway. Neptune is a town all about the quid pro quo. My recommendation is that instead of losing your mind, you ask your teacher (or teachers) to do you a favor (or favors), and give you an A. In return, offer to do them favors. Choice of favors is up to you, but naked favors are the universally accepted currency of academia. I learned that in a documentary I saw last night, while I was cramming. It was called Dirty Delinquents Do Detention, Part 8. I think it was on TLC.

-- Logan

Dear Logan,

I think this one boy really likes me, but he's too nervous to ask me out. I think he's really nice and hot, but I don't know if I like him as more than a friend. I've been thinking about asking him out, but I don't know if it would be worth it. I'll be going to school in LA next year, but he'll be studying at Northwestern.

--Help!

Dear Help!

You don't even know if you like this boy enough to go out with him, yet you're already worried about whether or not a long-distance relationship is worth the effort? Maybe this boy is too nervous to ask you out because you're obsessive-compulsive, and you've already picked out the china pattern. Maybe you should lighten up. You're too young to be Celeste Kane. What's wrong with a good, old-fashioned, shallow fling that's all about the booty? Honestly, I don't know what's the matter with you young people these days.

That said, I feel I must share with you that I, Logan Echolls, Advice Guru, have lately come to the same realization as Socrates or Buddha or Anna Nicole Smith, or whoever it was that said the only thing they knew for sure was that they knew absolutely nothing.

At the Alterna-Prom, I apparently made an extraordinarily eloquent speech about epic love. Unfortunately, all Dick remembers overhearing was something about blood and disaster and tragic irony. Sounds like every Hemingway story ever written. Especially since I was completely plastered and I don't remember a word of it. Which is a shame, not only because of the aforementioned eloquence, but also because I could have plagiarized it now.

Ask your boy on a date. Do it. If there's a chance you could be more than friends with him, take it. You think you've seen it all, you think you know how your life is gonna play out, whether you take the safe route or wave a red flag at every single charging bull, but you never, ever know. Life is always going to donkey-punch you, if only to prove that it knows more than you do. The only thing I know today is that – of all the world's great thinkers and philosophers – it was Huey Lewis who turned out to be right, so I'll plagiarize him: it don't take money, and it don't take fame. Don't need no credit card to ride this train. It's strong and it's sudden and it's cruel sometimes. But it might just save your life. That's the power of love.

I've come to another realization. I should really stop listening to XM radio while I'm writing this column.

-- Logan

Dear Logan,

Are you dating anyone right now? You danced with Veronica at the Sadie Hawkins Dance but I didn't see you with anyone at Alterna-Prom. Does this mean you're single? I think you're really cute and funny and you seem smarter than Dick. Maybe we can go out sometime? It's great that your Dad got acquitted of murder... unless he really did kill your ex-girlfriend and then I guess that would be bad? I also don't mind that you're sarcastic and don't talk much because people say I talk enough for two people anyway!

Signed,

--"Wants to Know What You're Thinking in Neptune"

Dear Gia,

I deeply regret that our delightful conversation a the Sadie Hawkins Dance was curtailed by a certain Inch-High Private Eye, so let me take this opportunity to tell you precisely what I think of y[Article cut for length. – The Editors]

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

Oh! The Agony!
by Veronica Mars

While scrolling neptune_online I was struck by the irony that so many advice columnists could use some guidance. Then, I recalled with a sudden and intense pleasure that advice columnists were once dubbed agony aunts. Maybe that's only funny to me. Still, it is pertinent. You're brokenhearted? I'm sorry, but writing to the actually broken? Probably not going to help.

It's not just the amateurs you need to question, either. Ann Landers and Dear Abby—identical twins—are arguably the iconic advice columnists of the modern age. Ironically, these sisters who counseled others on life's problems via their syndicated newspaper columns/gold mines, were not on speaking terms with one another for years prior to Landers' death. Reports of their eventual late-life reconciliation left an artificial aftertaste, considering Dear Abby had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.

The twice-married "Doctor" Laura Schlessinger, talk radio's answer to the advice columnist, who reportedly did not speak to her own now-deceased mother (to be fair, these things do happen) for well over a decade, earned her doctorate—that is Ph.D. in...wait for it...physiology. This prepares her to counsel the troubled, how?

Dear Dr. Laura,

My foot bone's connected to my ankle bone, and my leg bone is jealous. Please advise.

Regards,
Ezekiel

And not for nothing—according to court documents, Schlessinger, whose advice is animated by her strict moral code, began her relationship with her second husband while he was married to the mother of his first three children.

The secret lives of the sanctimonious aren't just the stuff of scandal. They have long served as fictional fodder, too. Take Nathanael West's first novel Miss Lonelyhearts, for example. From Wikipedia [the editors want me to warn you the following contains spoilers for a book published in 1933]:

In the story, Miss Lonelyhearts is an un-named male newspaper columnist writing an advice column which is viewed by the newspaper as a joke. As Miss Lonelyhearts reads the letters from the desperate writers he feels terribly burdened and falls into a cycle of deep depression.

Miss Lonelyhearts tries several approaches as a way out of this depression (including obsessive religion, escaping to the countryside, and sex) but only comes out of this more confused. Miss Lonelyhearts eventually corresponds with a reader unhappily married to a man with a slight physical disability. This leads to Miss Lonelyhearts having an affair with the woman. In the last scene he confronts her husband after having a religious experience. The husband thinks Miss Lonelyhearts is attacking him and pulls out a gun, shooting Miss Lonelyhearts. They both fall down a flight of stairs and die.

It makes a person think twice about spilling her guts to quantities both unknown and known.

So, if so many gossip columnists are so messed up, where's a hypothetical girl reporter to turn, when she—still hypothetically, of course—finds herself swayed by the heart-wrenching confession of an equally hypothetical ex- whose penchant for bimbos has not faded as fully as he would claim while three sheets to the wind?

Personally, I find real people far too unpredictable (and disappointing) to serve as role models in any capacity more serious than a Glamour DON'T. Much like the character Xander Harris, from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, when it's dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think, 'What would Buffy do?'. And okay, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone I too think, 'What is Buffy wearing?', but I somehow doubt Xander is deciding which items in his wardrobe are dated and must be culled.

WWBD if, for example, she swallowed her pride—not to mention the lion's share of her sense—and went to her ex's hotel suite the day after he poured his heart out to her, ready to admit that sometimes she suspects he could still ring her bells? And what if Buffy did so, only to realize he had no memory of their epic moment? What would Buffy do once confronted with a dead-ringer for her onetime nemesis — whom she knows to be all too familiar with said ex's salty goodness—hanging all over same?

Well, the resolve Buffy displays at the end of Becoming, II springs to mind. To be clear, although shushing his worries; kissing him; confessing her love; telling him to close his eyes; and then sending one's ex- to a hell dimension has a certain appeal, it is far from practical. It is also not the moment from which our hypothetical gal should draw (the bulk of) her inspiration.

Life would have spent a goodly portion of hypothetical gal's tenure in high school, drilling into her skull that while restoration of any kind may be no curse, neither is it probable. She should remember Life sneered, as it often does, when it put to the Buffster the question it poses to us all: "Now that's everything, huh? No weapons. No friends. No hope. Take all that away, and what's left?"

It is then that our hypothetical gal—that all of us, the chosen and thrust-upon alike—must flick Life under its beady, bruised little eye and reply, "Me."

Got that? Writing to a stranger, who might be living a life more screwed up than you can even imagine—what good can come of that? I'll tell you what. None. Nada. No. Good. You want a role model? Pick a hero, not some pathetic wretch, no wiser than you.

Now, when the editors of this blog approached me to write this piece, they asked if I wanted to offer any advice that countered the pap currently be served up on their site. When I asked them if they could narrow it down (I mean, I have finals to study for), they asked me to offer counter-advice to Brokenhearted Geek. So, here goes nothing:

Dear Brokenhearted,

Just be yourself. You are obviously bright and compassionate and probably know a lot more about decent human behavior than anyone advising you. If the guy is worth it, and I'm sure he is, he'll come around. Be thankful he's not some pretty boy looking to get laid. Just enjoy getting to know one another at a leisurely pace. I bet there is still a lot the two of you have to learn about one another. Take your time. Or, you know, go for it. Jump his bones. See what happens. You might be surprised.

--Veronica

FROM: vmars@aol.com
TO: editor@neptuneonline.org
DATE: June 6, 2006
SUBJECT: RE: Status - blog article RETRACTING

I've never been a blog-type gal. I look at MySpace and see Chester the Molester's Wonderland. Still, journalism was one of my favorite subjects at Neptune High, so when you asked me to contribute to the Neptune Navigator Online's post-Graduation wrap up edition, I couldn't refuse.

On the day after Alterna-Prom, I submitted my piece, "Oh! The Agony!" for your consideration. As you requested, I skewered the typical fare served up by advice columnists, then offered good, old-fashioned hero worship, and some common sense, instead. Please withdraw my submission, immediately. After the events of the last 48 hours, it's not going to cut it. Too much has changed—you might say everything, but I can't. There's plenty carved in stone. Head stones.

The truth? I have no idea what the next 5 seconds have in store for me. Common sense makes no sense at all. I'm writing to you from an airport renta-P.C., because my fingers suddenly feel too big for my Blackberry. In two seconds the one person who has always put me first is officially a no-show. The least disturbing explanation I can dream up? I've simply moved down his list. Hello cold comfort, my dearest hope.

An hour ago, I was confident. Excited. Full of anticipation. Worse? I was hopeful. Really? I was stupid. Stupid and delusional. An hour ago, someone questioned the future, to me. An hour ago drunk on kisses and the idea of escaping this lousy town for one lousy week, I said everything would be fine. I said I could feel it. I said I knew it. An hour ago, I was your common sense connection.

I knew nothing. And now, I only know how little I know.

I sure don't know why I'm telling you all this. I'm not one for the gut-spill. Guilt? Anxiety? One too many cups of rocket fuel passing itself off as coffee? Who knows? Not this girl (you'll note my theme, here). I don't even know what to tell you about filling the column space you reserved for me. Go ahead and print this letter, for all I care. Just don't print that column. I'll get back to you in a week or so, to let you know if I can commit to writing any other features for you, at all. Don't count on it.

In the meantime—you want some advice? Here's mine: "When your head says one thing and your whole life says another, your head always loses." Bogey. Key Largo.

FROM: editor@neptuneonline.org
TO: vmars@aol.com
DATE: June 6, 2006
SUBJECT: RE: Status - blog article

Veronica, the column on advice columns is great. Besides, it is already formatted and ready to go. All submissions are final. You were informed of this policy when we asked you to contribute. We will publish your letter, as well as this response, as disclaimer. That's the best we can do. The deadline is looming. No hard feelings.

--The Editors

Sound Off: Drink Up?
Moderator: Logan Echolls

You have entered room "Sound_Off". May 1, 2006 2:08 PM.

Logan_Echolls: Hey. I'm Logan Echolls and our fine administration has asked me to host and moderate a debate on the perils of underage binge drinking.
Veronica_Mars: Really? Somehow I can't wrap my mind around that concept.
Dick_Casablancas: Dude YES! Now we can team up on Ronnie and see how loose she can really get.
Veronica_Mars: You do realize that there isn't any alcohol being served here right?
Dick_Casablancas:What?!! That's so wrong. How can I show what a drunk student is like if there isn't any booze?
Logan_Echolls: I doubt that will be an issue. That was our two participants: Veronica Mars and Dick Casablancas. I'm going to start with the pro-side of this debate. Dick, why do you feel that there isn't a problem with excessive drinking?
Dick_Casablancas: Dude it's simple; drinking is fun. What are you going to do at parties besides drink and hook up?
Veronica_Mars: You could try something new like talking with the people you came to the party with or dancing without the intention of hooking up. And Dick, drinking won't get a girl to sleep with you. It's quite an accomplishment that they do when you're sober.
Dick_Casablancas: But getting them drunk will make girls really horny. They might hook up with anyone, even me. So of course that's the best chance for me to go after them.
Veronica_Mars: You got me there.
Logan_Echolls: So Veronica, are you opposed to drinking at parties at all?
Veronica_Mars: Of course not. But this debate is about excessive drinking. Some people might think that they need a beer to loosen them up. But drinking to the point of passing out or blocking out moments their night kinds of defeats it own purpose.
Dick_Casablancas: I think that your just a little overboard Ronnie. I mean we all heard about when you got drunk last year and needed to know who you hooked up with.
Veronica_Mars: That was a different situation.
Dick_Casablancas: Riiight. Whatev Ronnie. Just send that lovin' my way next time.
Logan_Echolls: Right, I think we should move this along before Dick makes even a bigger ass of himself. Dick, what would you say to people who say that teenage binge drinking not only causes problems to themselves, but also those around them?
Dick_Casablancas: Those people don't know how to take a joke. C'mon dude what's the worst that can really happen?
Veronica_Mars: Oh, nothing serious. Rape, abusive behavior, drunk driving. But then again why should we worry about statistics and reports.
Dick_Casablancas: When did we start talking about math class? I didn't sign up for that.
Logan_Echolls: Right Veronica-
Veronica_Mars: You could even, I don't know, make a declaration about epic love only to take it back and sleep with a professional …cheerleader.
Logan_Echolls: On that uplifting note, why don't you both give us your closing statements?
Dick_Casablancas: People who think drinking is wrong needs a drink. Dude how smart was that?
Veronica_Mars: I think my opponent has just provided the proof to rest my case.
Logan_Echolls: Alright then. I declare this debate, and any association that I have to it, over.

Special thanks go out to babsonite, bennet_7, cindywrites, dark_roast, ebonypsyche, irish_bunnie, kaosmalek, rowanceleste, and spadada.

Volume 1: Issue 8

2006-05-08T04:58:19Z

Madison’s Celebrity Scoop
by Madison Sinclair

Hi all! Madison Sinclair here with this week’s celebrity news*!

*And yes, Veronica Mars, it is news! Just because it’s not boring stuff about some foreign country that no one cares about, doesn’t mean it’s not important for everybody to know!

The biggest piece of celebrity news this week is of course the-case-I’m-not-allowed-to-address-because-of-sensitivity-issues-or-whatever, but I will say this: I hope now that he has been vindicated, (Best Dashboard Confessionals song ever, by the way! And totally helping me improve my vocab!) and that he will do another movie, because he is way too cute to be a has-been! (But my friend Carrie can talk about it since her column is not technically part of Neptune Online, so read about it here!)

Onto stuff I am allowed to cover…

Britney Spears is pregnant again

Isn’t that exciting! That child is certainly lucky to be born with such talented genes! Some kids really are blessed with the families they are born into. I don’t know what I would do if I was born into an 02’er family! Anyways, Britney is expecting a girl this time around, which is so much better than having a boy! Britney and Kevin will be renewing their vows sometime soon, just to remind each other of their love and commitment to each other. Aw, so romantic!

Rosie O’Donnell to join The View

Eww. We already have Star Jones-Reynolds-whatever to deal with. Why couldn’t they have someone young and fun, like Kelly Ripa (or like me!), join? Instead they hire some bitter lesbian to ugly up my screen. Ugh. Now what am I going to watch this summer in the daytime?

Mischa Barton is leaving The OC

Shocking, right? How terrible is the show going to be without her! She is the prettiest, best actress on that show, and if she's leaving they might as well cancel it. That’s one more thing I won’t have to worry about watching next year. In other television news, I just heard that One Tree Hill might not be coming back! Oh no! I’m not normally a drama queen, but if that show is canceled, you might as well kill me! Did you see that season finale! It better come back just so Lucas and Brooke can admit their love for each other and live happily ever after.

And once again, read Carrie Bishop's gossip column, as there is some really funny ~~chlamydia~~, I mean, gossip!

The Art of Disguise
by Veronica Mars

Disguise is a difficult art to master. It’s about altering not just how you look, but also how you act and what you say, so that you can get into a tricky situation without being caught. Next time you're righting wrongs with subterfuge, here are a couple of pointers on how to dress to make them confess.

Appearance

Now there’s no denying that Sydney Bristow has some fabulous clothes, but in a real life situation you rarely want to catch people’s attention. You need to get in, get what you need, and get out without being discovered.

When I had to sneak into the Kane mansion, I did so in this outfit, pretending to be a caterer. Sure I looked like Elaine from Seinfeld, but nobody recognized me.

However, there are times when you want to stand out. Here I am, dressed as an Anime character, trying to find a guy who was swindling innocent students out of thousands of dollars. With this outfit (and my terrible gaming skills) it was easy to attract his attention and identify him.

Turns out he was working with a partner (the guy to my left) and they were trying to raise the start up capital they needed for their video game by duping others with phony emails and false promises. But despite their collective brain power, these two no-good geeks got what they deserved in the end - a chat with the Feds.

Ownage!

Try where you can to keep your disguises simple – people are incredibly unobservant so you often don’t need to try that hard.

For instance, in the first pic I'm trying to get some info from some middle management dweeb with a God complex. No luck there.

But after some simple costume changes involving another jacket, a pair of glasses and letting down my hair, I re-enter the building to talk to his co-worker and manage to get what I want.

Demeanor

Demeanor is an important part of any disguise. When conducting a temptation scenario for an insanely paranoid potential fiancée, I had to be very conscious of my body posture and facial expressions so I could alter my movements and fully get into character.

While posing as Sluttie McCo-ed (despite what Dick might say, I don’t normally act like this) I used my very best ‘Valley Girl’ mannerisms. This involved hair twirling, suggestive stretching, suggestive sitting – whatever, it was a job.

And full credit to the scenario's target, who politely but determinedly resisted temptation. What a breath of fresh air in Neptune. Really. A lot of people at this school could learn from him.

Be careful not to go overboard with changes to your posture and movements – you don’t need the hair twirling, the ear scratching, the slouch, and the limp. But do be conscious of your body and do use it to help you get into character.

Vocal expression

So you look like someone else and you’re acting like someone else – make sure you sound like someone else too.

If you can pull off an accent then use it. But if you only know five words in French and they are all dessert foods then don’t try. Someone who is fluent in the language will see through you pretty quickly.

And only use an accent if you can maintain it. If you start out from Russia, skip down to Germany, and swim across to the UK before ending up in China by way of Australia... it's safe to say your cover will be blown. To pieces.

Pick an accent and stick to it and if you can’t then leave it behind.

The best way to not sound like yourself? Use phrases and slang that you don’t normally use. Here are some things I like to say when doing my ‘Blonde ditz’ routine, interspersed with a lot of giggling and my tone set to ‘perky’.

“Awesome!”
“Like…”
“For sure!”
“Like really?’
“Totally!”
“NO…WAY!”
“Oh…My…God...”
“Take a chill pill”

So there's what I know about the art of disguise. Use this knowledge to fight corruption or just use it for your next Halloween costume (which, as Jackie and Cora point out in this week's Fashion Police should not be confused with the prom). Just remember to be confident. With confidence you can make any disguise work. I mean, look.

Charismatic Wallace Fennel as a math loving nerd, complete with pocket protector. Now that’s "awesome!"

History in the Making
by Wallace Fennel

So far, the story of the NBA playoffs is my man, LeBron James, of the Cleveland Cavaliers. King James, as they say, has just driven his team past the Washington Wizards and into the semi-finals of the Eastern Conference tournament. Only 21 years old, in only his second season, the second youngest player on any team in the playoffs, and he’s leading all scorers with a slammin’ 35.7 points per game average.

In his first playoff game ever, LeBron scored a triple double: 32 points, 11 rebounds and 11 assists. In the history of the NBA, only two other players have started their playoff careers with a triple, and the last one to do it was Magic Johnson in 1980. Now I’m not saying LeBron is another Magic, cuz there’s only one Magic, but by the time he’s ready to unlace his shoes for the last time, he’ll be right up there with Michael and Magic and Bird. He’s already pretty much impossible to guard.

In game two, LeBron scored 26 points and grabs nine rebounds. The Wizards won, though, and the sportswriters said James had a bad night. Don’t know what they were talking about, cuz I’ll take 26 and 9 every night. In fact, if I average 26 points and 9 rebounds next year at Hearst, I’ll be unstoppable.

But LeBron’s last second, buzzer beating shot to win game three – that was a thing of beauty. Driving into the lane, he put a sick move on Antonio Daniels, soared over Michael Ruffin, and kissed the winner of the backboard. He also scored 41 points, breaking the NBA record for the most points in a playoff road game debut.

James only got 38 in game four, another losing effort, but he and the Cavs rebounded to win both the fifth and sixth games in overtime, putting them into the second round, where they will play the Detroit Pistons. In game five, LeBron made another last-second winner, tiptoeing down the baseline to swish it home.

No one expects LeBron and the Cavs to make it past the Pistons and into the finals, but win or lose, I guarantee you he’ll give ‘em fits. Forget about the West Coast, folks - this year, the action’s in the East.

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

There is a girl in my school who is kinda cool. She’s weird and people say I’m weird, so I figured why not? I went all out for our date but she didn’t seem too impressed. I mean, I know her last boyfriend was also weird and he loved the eyeliner, so I tried to go the weird fashion route and put on a fedora, but that still didn’t help. I don’t know what to do. Even if she doesn’t want to date me, I’d love to be friends with her. She’s really cool.

-- Weird

Dear Weird,

First of all, let’s get one thing straight. You don’t want to be just friends with her. And if you do, I have a feeling it’s going to the same type of friendship I want with Alyssa Milano, where we chill and watch movies and rub each other’s pets, but for some crazy reason she’s always naked and her hair’s wet and her lips are pouty and she’s giving me come-hither looks and telling me how hot I am and how much she loves me and then she gets on her knees and-

Uh yeah. Never mind that.

If her last boyfriend liked the eyeliner, I’d go the opposite route with the fashion statement. I wouldn’t want to do anything to remind her of the great times she had with him. Try wearing argyle. That always seems to attract the ladies for some reason.

I know you think it’s cool that she’s like the Bride of Frankenstein -- but she might not think so. Ask her to the movies or something, and stop treating her like a freak show. Maybe that’s why she broke up with her boyfriend in the first place.

-- Logan

PS – Stay away from pirate ship restaurants and leave the fedora at home.

Dear Logan,

My friends all know how to roll a spliff perfectly, but every time I try, it breaks apart. The gang’s starting to think I’m not into the stuff they’re into, but that’s not true. I just don’t want to embarrass myself in front of them.

-- Hopelessly Unspliffed

Dear Unspliffed,

What is this "rolling a spliff" you speak of? I’ve never heard of it.

Maybe you should consider laying off the spliff and picking up a new hobby. Like baking. Brownies maybe? Much easier. And considering your level of skill in this area, probably less messy too.

At the end of the day, remember, everyone has their special talents. So what if you’re not good at rolling? You could always be the guy who runs out and gets the food. Hanging out with my gang always gives me the munchies.

Maybe you should come by my hotel room after school today so I can give you one-on-one advice about this. Oh, and bring some brownies.

-- Logan

Dear Logan,

You wanna watch Brokeback Mountain?

-- Beavers suck

Dear Dick,

Dude, for the last time, No!

-- Logan

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

An Interview with Fredrick Finch,
Security Guard

by Gia Goodman

I'm sure most of you don't know Fredrick Finch. And before last Tuesday, many of you didn't even know Neptune High had a security guard, much less a fantastic one named Fredrick Finch. I caught up with Mr. Finch on his rounds, and he was nice enough to grant me an exclusive interview for Neptune Navigator Online. What an awesome humanitarian!

Neptune Navigator Online: Mr. Finch, thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. I was supposed to do a Human Interest piece for The Navigator, and I couldn't find, like, any human interest in the entire High School. I was even thinking about doing it on Mrs. Koharrgen, who works in the cafeteria, because she lifts weights, but just between you and me, she's kind of scary. I'm so glad I found you!
Fredrick Finch: You're welcome, Gia. I'm happy to help out with your article.
NNO: You’re a hero! Congratulations!
FF: Thank you. I really don't feel like a hero. I was only doing the one part of my job I hoped I'd never have to do.
NNO: But I'm sure all the kids in school have been thinking you're just some useless Rent-A-Cop, and you totally came charging in and saved all of us, like The Rock in Doom!
FF: Actually, in that movie... never mind. I just wish Tommy Dohanic -- Lucky, that is -- had given me another option, or I wish I'd somehow known his gun was loaded with blanks. It's as though he asked me to kill him. That's an awful burden for me to carry. Violence never solves anything.
NNO: Except that it totally did, this time.
FF: But given the chance to do it over again... well, I don't know. I suppose that... yes, I would have shot Lucky again. I made the only decision I could make, under the circumstances.
NNO: He could have come back with real bullets.
FF: That's very true.
NNO: Or a bomb.
FF: Yes, I heard about the incident with your father's car.
NNO: Plus, he was totally stalking me. He pulled a knife on me and Veronica. I know I shouldn't speak ill of the dead and all, but you were doing a valuable public service.
FF: That doesn't make me feel better about killing a co-worker.
NNO: In the line of duty. It's not like you went postal.
FF: Well... no.
NNO: Tell me. Who is the real Fredrick Finch? What's your favorite movie?
FF: I enjoy Barbara Stanwyck's work a lot, especially Meet John Doe and Stella Dallas. And more recently, I liked Good Night, and Good Luck.
NNO: What about Aaron Echolls' movies?
FF: I've never watched any of his movies.
NNO: Really?
FF: Not a one.
NNO: You must be the only person in the universe! With the trial and everything, I bet those DVDs are flying off the Blockbuster shelves. Okay, so let's talk about the aftermath of the shooting? Have you gotten lots of hot dates?
FF: I'm married, actually.
NNO: Your wife must've been really impressed!
FF: She was. But, also very glad that none of the students were hurt, and that I came home in one piece.
NNO: Seriously! Lucky was completely crazy! I couldn't believe it when he jumped up on the table and started waving that gun around. I mean, I felt bad since he got fired because of me, but I really thought I was going to die. I was terrified. Could you share your feelings about the incident?
FF: Tommy Dohanic was a very troubled person. I'm sorry he couldn't have gotten the help he needed; that his life had gone to such a dark place. I worked with him every day, and I never suspected a thing. He was just another face I passed in the hallway, said hello to every morning, and it never occurred to me to wonder about the person he was inside. I can't express how much I regret having to do what I did. It's going to stay with me for the rest of my life.
NNO: I think that experience will stick with a lot of people. But we're here to remember it, thanks to you. It could have been a lot worse. It could have been another bus crash.
FF: Absolutely.
NNO: What a way to round out the year, huh?
FF: Yes, it's never dull around here, that's for certain.
NNO: Were you scared?
FF: I didn't have time to be scared.
NNO: You just had to react – POW!
FF: Uh... yes. I just had to react.
NNO: So, tell me why you became a Security Guard? Did you try to get into the Sheriff's Department first?
FF: No, that was never my plan. I'm thankful I can help to protect the students at Neptune, even though at times it seems to me as though I'm doing no good whatsoever. Neptune is a very violent, frightening place. But, on a lighter note, I do enjoy being at the school, and around you kids, even though most of you don't notice me. I'm an observer of human nature. It helps me with working on my novel.
NNO: Wow! You're a writer, too? That’s fascinating! What's your novel about?
FF: It's an exploration of the societal disintegration and diaspora following World War I; it's a moody, thematic piece, really. I've been doing a lot of research into contemporary writings, poetry and letters from the battlefield, that sort of thing. Hopefully, I'll make that liberal arts major worthwhile one of these days.
NNO: So, it's got explosions and battles and dramatic stuff like that? How cool! I can't wait to read it!
FF: I'm glad I have my first fan.
NNO: Oh, you bet! Thank you so much for letting me talk with you, Mr. Finch.
FF: You're welcome. I hope your editors like your interview, Gia. I'm glad I could contribute to your budding journalistic career.

And that's my interview with Fredrick Finch, Neptune High's resident hero. The next time you see him in the hall, take a moment to remember that it's people like him, waiting in the background, who keep us all safe and sound for another day.

Want to hear more about me? Check out my MySpace.

Mac’s Technology Tips
by Cindy “Mac” Mackenzie

Dear Mac,

When I go online to places like LiveJournal or MySpace, I see all of these great looking icons and graphics. What program is best for making those sorts of things?

-Graphically Challenged

Dear Graphically Challenged,

There is no one "best" program for making such graphics, as the really important thing is to become familiar with whatever graphics software you have. While programs like MS Paint make it difficult to create gorgeous graphics due to its limited editing options, it can be done.

Adobe Photoshop is an excellent program with lots of editing options, but also comes with a very steep price tag. Unless you're planning to have a career in graphic design, I probably wouldn't recommend shelling out the money for Photoshop. Of course, if money isn't an issue, it's a good program – although it may be even easier for you to hire a graphic designer to make a particular icon or graphic for you.

Jasc Paint Shop Pro is a similar program to Photoshop that is available for a fraction of the price. However, it's still rather expensive (just shy of $100), but Jasc does provide the opportunity for a free 30 day trial, downloadable off of their website. If you try the program out, and it works for you, it might be worth the money.

Again, these programs are only two of many feasible options, but these are the two that I've used in the past. If you only want a few icons or graphics, it would probably be simpler and more cost-effective to hire someone to do the work for you.

With graphic design – as with anything, really – it takes time and practice to become skilled at making appealing images. So the other advantage to hiring someone (such as myself) is that you can be confident that your icons will turn out as great as they look in your imagination.

Links of the Week:

Guess the Dictator and/or Television Character - While this site could use a serious redesign since it is very bland and unappealing, the content is what makes it worth visiting. It can be fun to try to outsmart a computer sometimes.

Chuck Norris Facts - "Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table of Elements because he only believes in two elements: the element of fear and the element of surprise." Chuck Norris jokes may be kinda lame, but they're at least somewhat entertaining. This website has a whole list of jokes to help you smile as final exams are now upon us.

The Onion - This satirical "newspaper" has some great articles about current events and other hot topics. [WARNING: Content may not be suitable for students under the age of 18.]

Bonus Find of the Week:

Finders Keepers - While our anonymous source was sifting through the trash, looking for evidence to help her clear the name of a classmate wrongly accused of cheating on his Algebra test, our anonymous source found the attached document. Our anonymous source knows a few things about the law and promises us that scanning and posting anything found in the garbage is entirely legal. We were glad to hear it, because not sharing something this funny would be criminal! Any resemblance to any acutal NHS administrators is entirely coincidental.

Sound Off: 'Day Without Immigrants'
Moderator: Cassidy Casablancas

You have entered room "Sound_Off", May 1, 2006 2:03 PM.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Welcome to the Neptune Navigator Online Sound Off. This week we're discussing today's Nationwide Immigrant Stike, 'Day Without Immigrants.' Immigrants all over the country have taken to the streets in support of immigrant rights and to protest proposed changes that will tighten immigration restrictions. Being so close to the Mexican border puts Neptune right in the middle of this debate so we're here to see what our staff has to say about it. What do you guys think about today's demonstrations?
Dick_Casablancas: What the hell? Where was my breakfast this morning? You want to protest something? Protest that there was no one to pour my milk for me.
Logan_Echolls: Or fluff my pillows.
Madison_Sinclair: Or drive me to school.
Jackie_Cook: At least they're successfully reaching their target audience.
Veronica_Mars: But does that audience care? Beyond being upset at not having someone around to hold their silver spoons for them.
Madison_Sinclair: You're just jealous that you were born with a pitch fork instead of a silver spoon.
Dick_Casablancas: Actually, my spoon is gold.
Logan_Echolls: Plated maybe.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Can we please get back on topic? Does that mean you support today's demonstrations, Veronica?
Veronica_Mars: Yes, I do. They have the right to have their opinions heard.
Jackie_Cook: Technically, they don't. Have the right that is...
Logan_Echolls: Right. They aren't citizens. They are protesting something that would give them the right to protest. They should want these laws to go through. Even being a second-rate citizen beats not being a citizen at all.
Cassidy_Casablancas: I agree. I mean, not with the second-rate citizens part, just that they want rights they aren't entitled to yet. Plus, they obviously like living here so I don't understand why they wouldn't want to take this chance to become legal resisdents.
Veronica_Mars: Not entitled to?! Has anyone here even read the Declaration of Independence? At all familiar with the term unalienable rights?
Dick_Casablancas: I love that movie.
Logan_Echolls: Odd segue.
Madison_Sinclair: She's talking about the War of Independence, Dick, not "Independence Day".
Dick_Casablancas: Why'd she bring up aliens then? There weren't any aliens in the War of Independence. I may be dumb but I'd remember that. Would have made US History and Mrs. Kelley's assignments a lot more fun.
Jackie_Cook: Dick, you scare me.
Gia_Goodman: I think the demonstrations are kind of sweet.
Logan_Echolls: Odder segue.
Veronica_Mars: Sweet? What??
Gia_Goodman: No, I really do.
Logan_Echolls: That's because you're an illegal alien.
Dick_Casablancas: She just flew in from URANUS!
Logan_Echolls: Not mine! URANUS!
Gia_Goodman: Haha. Very funny, you guys.
Veronica_Mars: I can't believe you two are actually graduating high school.
Dick_Casablancas: You're just mad because your name gives your home planet away.
Veronica_Mars: Like yours doesn't, Dick?
Cassidy_Casablancas: HEY! On topic, please! Gia, care to explain why you feel that way?
Gia_Goodman: Sure! I was watching the news earlier, in study hall, and this cute Mexican maid was all, "We're not criminals, we just want to work!" Isn't that darling? How they care so much about working for us that they took to the streets for us?
Veronica_Mars: I don't know what to say to that.
Logan_Echolls: I told you she was from another planet.
Jackie_Cook: Where's Weevil? Shouldn't we be getting his opinion on this? I thought he was supposed to be here.
Dick_Casablancas: Now who's the dumb one?
Jackie_Cook: Excuse me?
Dick_Casablancas: Dude, it's 'Day Without Immigrants' day. You must have noticed the lack of smelly PCHers in the parking lot this morning.
Logan_Echolls: I've changed my mind. I love this day. I would fully support making every day a 'Day Without PCHers'.
Dick_Casablancas: Right on!
Veronica_Mars: You're both asses.
Dick_Casablancas: At least we're not from URANUS!
Cassidy_Casablancas: Uh, I hate to interrupt the planetary immigration talk, but time's up.
Veronica_Mars: You're kidding me, we didn't even talk about the immigration laws.
Madison_Sinclair: That's because we don't care, Veronica.
Veronica_Mars: Nice, Madison. Can we at least tell them where to get more information, Cassidy?
Cassidy_Casablancas: Oh, good idea. For more information on immigration issues, you can visit http://www.immigrantsolidarity.org/ or, for information about the demonstrations, check out http://daywithoutanimmigrant.com/. And, that's all the time we have.

Editor's Note: Principal Van Clemmons would like us to clarify that the opinions expressed here are those of the students participating in the sound off and do not necessarily reflect those of the administrators and teachers at Neptune High School or the Balboa County School Board.

Since our old editor fled the country with his kidnapped baby, we had to ask for a lot of help putting this issue together. Special thanks go out to babsonite, bennet_7, brimtoast, dark_roast, herowlness, maggiesox, mutinousmuse, queen_haq, rindee, shangri__la, raelee, spadada, and wickedripeplum. Also, without an editor, we don’t get much constructive criticism on our articles, so any feedback from our readers is greatly appreciated!

Volume 1: Issue 7

2006-05-01T03:39:15Z

Madison’s Celebrity Scoop
by Madison Sinclair

The cancellation of the NHS Senior Prom was un-American. I'm talking way worse than the time Donna Martin almost wasn't allowed to walk in the West Beverly High School graduation ceremony for drinking champagne in the limo on the way to her prom. And this was real life, not television. I very nearly missed out on a once in a lifetime experience. Thank God for Logan Echolls, who threw an alterna-prom at his hotel suite... Though what he was thinking when he invited Veronica Mars, Jackie Cook, and that weird Butters kid, I’ll never know.

Anyway, Dick Casablancas tried to grope me in Logan’s bathroom and spilled whatever vile liquid was in his ‘Party Pig’ down the front of my fairy princess dress, so I’m like way too traumatized to write about celebrities this week - except to say that Tom and "Kate" are still together at this point in time, so a certain someone in the newsroom owes me ten dollars.

You can read all about the alterna-prom in Carrie Bishop’s column. I need to go call the dry cleaners again. My dress better not be ruined - I was hoping to wear it to the sheriff department's next fundraiser slash bachelor auction.

Another Stake Out
by Veronica Mars

Some common myths about the stake out:

It is a glamorous and exciting – Contrary to popular belief, the stake out is not a fun, sexy time. Usually you have to sit in a confined space for an undisclosed amount of time - usually at some ungodly hour. You have to be quiet, and can’t do anything that will distract you from your target. If you ever come with me on a stake out, bring a book, and don’t bother telling me about all the fun you’re not having. Surveillance is a silent art.

You must be very discreet, and not be seen – Believe it or not, this is wrong. By trying to not be seen, you’ll attract extra attention, and therefore suspicion, to yourself. You have to be seen and perceived as a normal person going about their normal routine, or people will know something is up. The best way to avoid this is to know the area you are going to be working. Wear clothes that fit the location, and have a cover story for why you are there. At the same time, you can’t be seen by your target. Usually they’ll be so involved in what they are doing (which is often illegal) that they will take a few quick glances around without fully taking in their surroundings, ie the person watching them. But still, get behind something, or at the very least, turn around.

More tips for the stake out success:

Always bring Backup. Have something you can defend yourself with in case things go south. I prefer canines and tasers, but another person is sometimes just as good.

Don’t listen to music or talk on a cell phone. First of all, the noise will draw attention to you that you don’t need, but on a more important note, it will distract you. Sure, it’s more entertaining to chat with your dead best friend’s boyfriend about his best-friend/your ex-boyfriend, but someone could easily jump into your car and kidnap you when you’re not paying attention. Also, normally you have to wait around for hours for a money shot and that window of opportunity will be only be open for a moment. If you are not ready for it, then you just wasted a couple of hours of your life - because without the money shot, you got nothin’.

Check your car before you leave. Make sure no creepy murderers are sitting in your backseat, and make sure you have enough gas to get you where you’re going. Murderers and car troubles both tend to ruin otherwise perfectly good stake outs.

Let someone know where you are going to be. Don’t tell your dad that you are going to Unicornicopia. He won’t believe you, no matter how much you love unicorns.

Some things to bring:

Bring homework. It’s quiet, it’s productive, and it’s not too distracting.

Bring coffee. Did I mention the ungodly hours?

Bring a camera. This should be obvious, because clearly you can't get picture proof without taking a picture, but most people need these things spelled out for them, so I figured I'd mention it.

Hanging from a Cliff
by Logan Echolls

~ from the Ancient Greek word which means “to kill your audience with suspense.” Or something.

~ nothing to do with hanging out with Cliff McCormack.

A cliffhanger is an incredibly annoying plot device that is sometimes found in a work of fiction such as a novel, a movie or a TV show. It involves said work of fiction ending with the main character(s) in some sort of mortal peril or with a huge revelation that promises to cause a whole pile of angst and drama for the character(s). Your concern for the fate of the character(s) insures that you will read/buy/watch the next installment of the story.

This shameless ploy began when stories were published chapter by chapter in newspapers back in ye olden days (people were too poor to buy full length novels back then). Each chapter would end with a cliffhanger to hook the readers in and guarentee that they would buy the next edition of the newspaper. If you read The Three Musketeers, which was originally published this way, you’ll notice the cliffhangers at the end of each chapter.

Sometimes movies will end with some sort of cliffhanger so that a sequel can be made. You'll remember my father's fine work Breaking Point ending with a shot of the film's villain, Igor Sanchez, twitching his hand as he lay amongst the land mines in the Ukrainian marsh, showing that he hadn't been killed when my father's character hit him over the head with a car muffler. This allowed them to spend the annual GDP of a small European country making the sequel Beyond the Breaking Point, where Igor Sanchez tried to take his revenge by implanting a bomb in the Declaration of Independence. Eh, at least the location filming in Mongolia got my dad out of the house for a few months.

Cliffhangers have become extremely popular in TV shows ever since JR got shot on Dallas. Most shows will end their seasonal run with a cliffhanger for audiences to speculate over during the summer hiatus. When the show comes back, the fans will have gone completely nuts, coming up with complex theories on how the cliffhanger will play out - sometimes even writing (really awful) fanfic about it.

“Mom?”

For a cliffhanger to work well in a TV show it has to be huge, blowing the mind of the audience, and setting up the action for the next season. The finale of season 1 of Alias did this. In the last moment, Sydney came face to face with 'The Man.' Unfortunately for Syd, 'The Man' happened to be her mom, a former KGB officer sent to spy in America who faked her death when Sydney was 6. This explosive revelation combined with the possibility of Vaughn’s death and the fact that Arvin Sloane had apparently killed his wife to score a promotion, had fans tuning in next season. Well that, and the promise of more of Syd's sexy spy clothes.

“Do you have any medical conditions?” “Well I’ve been shot.”

So you’ve set up your fantastic cliffhanger that has all the fans acting like Veronica at her obsessed worst – the most important thing now is not to disappoint. The second season of The West Wing nailed this. Season 1 ended with what looked like an assassination attempt on the president. Who survived? We found out in the two part return “In the Shadow of Two Gunmen” where the aftermath of the shooting intertwined with flashbacks showing how the team came together in the first place. Full of a little thing often neglected in TV known as character development, this resolution of season 1’s cliffhanger was emotionally satisfying for the fans and set the tone for rest of the season.

“You and your timing”

The problem with ending a season with a cliffhanger is that your show might get cancelled and thus the cliffhanger never gets resolved. You’re left with a bunch of loose ends and pissed off fans. This happened with season 4 of Farscape. However, Farscape fans were so ~~annoying~~ persistent, mounting a huge letter/e-mail writing and advertising campaign, that a mini-series was made to wrap up the stories and shut up all ~~scary~~ loyal fans. Not all shows are so lucky though, and many fans are left sighing (and writing awful fanfic) about what could have been.

Cliffhangers make for the best and worst television. The only thing you can do is roll with the punches. Or, you know, not watch TV.

Editor's note: You might think Farscape fans are freaks too, but their campaign did get results. Is your favorite show in danger of untimely cancellation? Find out how you can help!

Ask Logan

Dear Logan,

This guy likes me. He's a sweet guy, but I'd never date him. I don't MEAN to encourage him, but I'm nice by nature. How can I make him realize I'm not into him without actually telling him that I'm not into him?

-- Too Nice

Dear Too Nice,

Maybe you should try not being so nice. Of course, with a lot of guys, that will just make them like you more. Or, maybe that's why he likes you now. Maybe you should examine why you're so shallow that won't even give this admitted "sweet guy" a chance. Would it destroy your soul to go on one date with him? Would that be the most horrifying thing that ever happened? Would it scar you until you die? You never know: he could be the love of your life. Not that you'd deserve him.

-- Logan

Dear Logan,

I need advice about how to not freak out during a plane flight. I'm flying to France at the end of the school, and it's an eight-hour flight! I'm really scared of airplanes, and I've never been on this long of a flight before. I need some way to distract myself, so I don't think about all the horrible things that could happen, and all the ways a plane can crash. Help!

-- Flying Phobe

Dear Phobe,

Try getting a window seat, near the wing. If the plane explodes in mid-air, you'll either be incinerated, or sucked out immediately. Don't worry about falling to your death; at high altitudes your brain will freeze almost instantaneously -- that is if your lungs don't collapse first, from the lack of oxygen. Remember to keep your seatbelt unfastened at all times, because you don't want to be one of those mindless cattle who survive the entire time the plane is plummeting to earth, screaming and crying out to God like a total loser, and then die from the impact, still neatly buckled into their seats. Lame!

If you're eighteen, or you have a really good fake I.D., I recommend getting thoroughly hammered as early as possible into the flight. With luck, you'll pass out and sleep most of the way to France. Remember to order mixed drinks, so you stay hydrated. The air on airplanes is really dry. Bon voyage!

-- Logan

Dear Logan,

I'm in love with someone and I don't know if I should say it.

-- Mandigirl

Dear Mandigirl,

No.

-- Logan

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

Mac’s Technology Tips
by Cindy “Mac” Mackenzie

Dear Mac,

Yikes! My PC froze and my 6 page research paper wasn't saved! What do I do?!

--Stressed Out Student

Dear SOS,

Well, the first thing you'll probably want to do is make sure you have a firewall in place and that your virus and spyware software is up-to-date. If you run Microsoft Windows on your PC, system firewalls can be put into place through the Network Connections panel. There are a number of excellent virus software programs available, but I highly recommend Webroot's SpySweeper™ to help get rid of any spyware that is on your computer to help it run more smoothly. There are also freeware products available (such as AdAware SE or Spybot), but they aren't nearly as effective as SpySweeper. You have to pay for quality, and SpySweeper, in the opinion of this computer guru, is well worth the extra money.

If you're using Microsoft Word, there is an AutoSave function included in the versions that have been released over the past few years. Go to Tools: Options in the menu bar and look for a Save tab. There should be a check-box to activate AutoRecovery. You can set the program to AutoSave however frequently you want. With this feature in place, when you restart Word, it should reload the different files (and versions) that you were working on when your computer died.

Even if you didn't have AutoRecovery turned on, your paper may still be recovered. When files are deleted from your computer, they don't really disappear until your system writes over them with a new file. However, that is a more complicated process that I won't get into here, but any tech wizard worth her bytes should be able to help you out (for a small fee, of course). It's simpler to recover a file that was emptied from your trash bin if you haven't restarted your computer, but there's still a chance that you can get your paper back.

For future reference? Regular saving is the best way to go. Better safe than paperless.

Links of the Week:

Homestar Runner
A highly entertaining site that has me checking in each week to see Strong Bad's latest email. Plus, the flash animation is very well done.

Nation States
Create a nation and prove that you can do a better job running things than our current leaders. The layout is very simple, making the site clean and easy to navigate.

Television Without Pity
The site's motto of "Spare the snark, spoil the networks" pretty much says it all. With 29 shows currently the subject of intelligent, snarky recaps, you'll probably be able to find something about one of your favorite shows. As a warning, if you can't stand to hear anything bad said about your show, this site probably isn't the place for you …

Need Mac's help?
Send your questions to Tech Support.

Wallace Dribble Drabbles
by Wallace Fennel

Ahoy there pirates! Today I’m going to teach you some dribbling skills that every baller should know.

Before we get into the moves, you gotta know the basics. It’s all about the fundamentals here. First of all, you have to be able to dribble with both hands. You’re a dead duck if you can’t, because your defender will just put pressure on the side you use, and stop you every time. Also, you must be able to dribble without looking at the ball. If you look down at the ball, then it gives the defense a chance to steal it. You just have to trust that the ball will bounce back to your hand, which, believe me, it will.

Now let’s get to the fun stuff!

The Crossover

This is an easy move used to switch hands while dribbling. In order to do this successfully, you gotta be quick, and you really gotta get low. Most point guards can do this move in their sleep.

I’m going to explain this like you’re going from your right hand to your left hand. For the opposite, just reverse the directions.

The Set-up: You see your defender is crowding your dribbling hand, and cutting off that side. You step forward with your left foot and use your body as a barrier between the ball and your defender. Keep the ball bouncing rhythmically the entire time

The Move: Take a sharp step with your right foot, leading the defender in that direction, and then bounce the ball over to your left hand. Make sure to be very quick, and to not bounce the ball much higher than your knee. Step quickly with your left, and you’ve now past your defender. Go to the hole!

For more help, Allen Iverson of the 76ers has the best crossover in the NBA, so watch him play sometime.

Another move that is very similar to this is the fake crossover - just like the crossover except you don’t switch hands. In this move, you do the same setup, but you really gotta make sure to sell it. You’re on the move, you take the step with your right, and you bounce the ball towards the middle of your body, as if you’re about to crossover. When you see the defender commit to the left side, use your right hand to pull the ball back to the right side, and step with your left to cut off your defender.

The Spin Move

This move is used if your defender is playing you too close. I had to use this a lot back in the day, before defenders got smart and realized I was too good for them to play close up, and they backed off. This move is a little more advanced then the crossover. Once again, I’m gonna play it like you’re using your right and switching to left.

The Set-up: Your defender is up in your grill, and a crossover is too risky. Use your body as a barrier between the ball and the defender, and step diagonally with your left so it is directly in front of your right. Keep the ball bouncing rhythmically the entire time.

The Move: Bounce the ball with some force, and make it look like you are going forward, while simultaneously, you are pivoting (with your right foot) away from the defender. Basically, turn clockwise about 270 degrees. Do NOT switch hands during this time, or else the ball will be gone. Also, do not bounce the ball while you are turning. By this, I don’t mean pick the ball up, because that is a double dribble, and thus a turnover, but let the ball hang in your hand for a moment without pushing it down. It’s really something you gotta try on your own, because this makes no sense on the screen. Bouncing the ball at this point will just slow you down, and give the defender a chance to block your move. Once you have completed the circle, switch hands, and blow by your opponent.

If you were at the Pan game last year, you might remember that super-sweet spin move I pulled on my defender at the beginning of the game. He played me four steps back for the rest of the time, making it easy for us Pirates to blow them away.

The Behind-the-Back

This move is best used to change directions when the defender is too close up to crossover, and too far back for a spin move. It’s not the best misdirection move, but sometimes you want style over substance. The fatal flaw of this move is amateurs trying to show off, and just messing it up. Players, if you gotta show off, do something impressive, like dribble through your defender’s legs! When I did that in Chicago, the fans went crazy! Back on track though, this move requires really strong dribbling skills. Remember, I’m teaching like you’re going right to left.

The Set-up: Dribble rhythmically and go towards the right side of the court. Pull back your shoulders so you are bouncing the ball pretty much at your side.

The Move: Pretty much the same move as the crossover, bounce the ball towards your left side and find the ball with your left hand, while simultaneously stepping to the left. You have now changed directions.

The effectiveness of this move depends on how quickly you do it. Don’t attempt this in a game unless you are confident with it, because it’s not a move for the weak. If you wanna do it, you gotta execute it!

Now that you know how to do all these moves, you gotta practice them! For more help, find me at school. And bring baked goods.

Sound Off: Arrested Development
Moderator: Cassidy Casablancas

You have just entered room "Sound_Off"
Madison_Sinclair: This show is so boring. It isn’t funny either. Thank God it’s been cancelled.
Logan_Echolls: Blasphemy! Its brutal execution is the greatest tragedy of our times since the last great tragedy of our times.
Veronica_Mars: And what was the last great tragedy of our time Logan?
Logan_Echolls: The demise of Daria of course.
Gia_Goodman: What?
Veronica_Mars: Please, don’t get him started. The topic here is Arrested Development. Personally, I think it’s a great show. Subversive and snarky, the humour really appeals to me.
Madison_Sinclair: I say again - what humour?
Veronica_Mars: The kind that goes straight over your head. And let’s not forget: Jason Bateman.
Madison_Sinclair: Oh please! Jason Bateman is the poor man’s Michael J. Fox.
Logan_Echolls: Correction - he was the poor man's Michael J. Fox - nothing more than Mallory Keaton's real life brother even - but now, Jason Bateman will always be rememberred as the guy who played Michael Bluth. I have almost completely forgotten about the second Teen Wolf movie.
Cassidy_Casablancas: I really relate to his character Michael. He’s trying to restore the family name and save their real estate company while having to contend with his idiot older brother GOB who thinks he’s in-charge. This is like the fictionalized version of my life.
Dick_Casablancas: I like GOB.
Logan_Echolls: You're not that complicated, are you, Dick?
Jackie_Cook: Can we just talk for a moment about the awesome Lucille Bluth? Because she takes bitchiness to a whole new level. I’m kind of in awe.
Madison_Sinclair: You are in awe of someone else's bitchiness?
Jackie_Cook: Let me restate that. She not only brings bitchiness to a whole new level, she is also funny. See the difference?
Gia_Goodman: I think it’s amazing that the family allowed the cameras into their home. I don’t think I could handle it – I really value my privacy.
Veronica_Mars: Uh Gia? What are you talking about?
Logan_Echolls: Gia this isn’t actually a documentary – it just looks like one.
Gia_Goodman: But there’s a narrator!
Jackie_Cook: That doesn’t make it a documentary. This is definitely a fictional show – no family is this screwed up!
Logan_Echolls: Umm, my dad’s in jail. And my sister is a complete psycho.
Dick_Casablancas: Plus your mom was an alkie.
Veronica_Mars: Nice, Dick. Way to show your sensitive side.
Gia_Goodman: Really? You know, I was sure I heard about this on the news or something. Some CEO getting busted for fraud.
Dick_Casablancas: That was our dad, Gia...
Cassidy_Casablancas: The topic. Now. PLEASE!
Logan_Echolls: Who was your favorite Marta? I liked number 1 best.
Jackie_Cook: I thought the dress she wore to the awards show was so beautiful. That’s a fashion choice I can get behind, unlike Lucille and a certain someone in this chat room and their teaming of fur with formal wear.
Madison_Sinclair: Whatever, Miss Trashy Trash.
Jackie_Cook: I'm trash? You're the one who wore a fur stole to alterna-prom!
Gia_Goodman: Guys. Be nice! Speaking of nice, I really like Ann.
Logan_Echolls: Who?
Gia_Goodman: Duh. George-Michael's girlfriend. You're so spacey. Are we even watching the same show?
Veronica_Mars: Logan, don't say any of the thoughts in your head right now. Gia, he knows who she is. That was an AD joke because people always forget Ann.
Dick_Casablancas: She was kinda hot. Horny for a religious chick.
Cassidy_Casablancas: Can we stay focused?
Veronica_Mars: Actually Beav...err, Cassidy, time's up.
Logan_Echolls: And that was Arrested Development.

Since our old editor fled the country with his kidnapped baby, we had to ask for a lot of help putting this issue together. Special thanks go out to babsonite, bennet_7, dark_roast, herowlness and spadada. Also, without an editor, we don’t get much constructive criticism on our articles, so any feedback from our readers is greatly appreciated!

Volume 1: Issue 6

2006-04-24T01:08:55Z

Madison’s Celebrity Scoop
by Madison Sinclair

Baby #1

Congratulations are in order as Katie Holmes (of Dawson’s Creek fame) has given birth to a baby girl, which she and her fiancé Tom Cruise (of Oprah fame) have named Suri. Weighing 7 pounds, 7 ounces, baby and mother are apparently doing “wonderfully.” The name Suri means “princess” in Hebrew which is appropriate considering she is Hollywood royalty. And according to Veronica, it also means “pickpocket” in Japanese. Well she would know.

Tom Cruise has cancelled all his promotional plans for his latest film, Mission Impossible 3, in order to spend time with Katie and Suri, a move which clearly shows that this relationship is not just a publicity stunt gone wrong as one my heartless peers has suggested. It's true love between Katie and Tom. You'll see.

Baby #2

Gwyneth Paltrow also gave birth this week. She and husband Chris Martin (lead singer of that band Coldplay) have named their son Moses, which seems like a really weird choice until you remember that they named their daughter Apple (I swear, Logan Echolls is the only normally named celebrity offspring that I know). Born six weeks premature, Moses will be closely monitored by some of America’s finest doctors to make sure he is OK.

I've been hearing that Gwyneth wants to get back to her career and start making more movies. That last one she was in (Proof or something?) was a total snore-fest. She needs to team up with one of her gorgeous ex-boyfriends (anything to get Brad away from that psycho Angelina) and make something fun like Pretty Woman.

Baby #3

Without a doubt the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard: Angelina Jolie plans to give birth to Brad Pitt’s sole genetic offspring in Africa. I’m sorry, but isn’t Africa full of diseases and debt and stuff? I mean, Bono’s made it pretty clear that the Africans can’t take care of themselves and yet she’s going to trust them with Brad Pitt’s baby?! I can’t even say ‘Namibia’ and my spell-check says that it’s not a real word!

Apparently, by giving birth in Africa, she'll be making a 'statement'. Whatever, Angelina. What kind of statement were you making with Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and its equally awful sequel? (Dick made me watch it with him. Thank god I've moved on to more mature men) Angelina talks the talk but I find her walk somewhat lacking.

That's all for today, gossip fans! Be sure to tune in for the next installment. If you want to read about what has been going on here in Neptune, check out Carrie Bishop's gossip column.

Say it with Snickerdoodles
by Veronica Mars

This recipe is so easy. You can make these cookies while listening to music, your best friend’s latest basketball glories, or interrogation tapes from a murder case... And once you start eating them, it's hard to stop, so they are best made as a gift for someone else. I’m not one for mushy apologies, so if I make you a batch of Snickerdoodles, just assume I’m sorry. While repentant husbands buy their wives flowers when they make a mistake, I prefer to mend fences with desserts. (It always works on my best friend Wallace.)

Preheat the oven to 350 and sift together:
2 cups all purpose flour
2 tablespoons cream of tartar
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt

Beat on medium speed and until fluffy:
2 sticks unsalted butter (softened)
1 1/2 cups sugar

Add 2 large eggs.

Stir the flour mixture into the butter mixture until well blended and smooth. Pull off pieces of the dough and roll between your palms to form 1 1/4-inch balls.

Roll in a mixture of:
1/4 cup sugar
4 teaspoons cinnamon

Space 2 inches apart on cookie sheets. Bake one sheet at a time until cookies are light brown around the edges, 8-11 minutes. To make sure your cookies brown evenly, turn the sheet halfway through baking. Remove and let cool before transferring cookies to a cooling rack.

Let the sheets cool between batches or the cookies may spread too much. After I put one sheet in the oven, I put the other one in the fridge and keep switching back and forth. My strengths are more in the darkroom than in the kitchen, but thanks to The Joy of Cooking, even I can bake. I mean, look at those cookies! Follow my simple instructions and no one will be able to say no to you again. Throw in a head tilt and you're set. No one turns away a girl with a plate full of tasty treats.

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

My boyfriend always wants me to go see horror movies with him. He thinks they're great, but I hate them! They're so scary, and they exploit women. I don't know why Hollywood keeps making movies like that! I don't want to get in a big fight, but how can I tell him I don't want to go see Silent Hill this weekend – or any horror movies, ever again?

-- Fraidy Cat

Dear Fraidy,

If you'd pull your head out of your boyfriend's lap and actually watch a horror movie or two, you'll realize horror movies only show naked chicks because nobody in their target audience wants to see a naked guy. Your average slasher body count is split pretty evenly between guys and girls. More importantly, horror movies don't exploit women – horror movies love women. It's always a woman who defeats the killer. And it's not the dumb bimbo who lost her bikini top, either. It's the strong, smart girl. (Usually a virgin, but not always – that's a common misconception.) I think you're afraid of taking charge of your own girl power.

Regarding Silent Hill, you don't have anything to worry about. Tell your boyfriend I saw it this weekend, and it was a yawner. FYI, the heroes are a mom who's trying to save her little girl, and a motorcycle cop – a female motorcycle cop. Meanwhile, the father tries some B&E, and roughs up a nun, but spends most of the movie trying to call his wife on his cell phone.

-- Logan

P.S. Call me if you want to go see Slither this weekend.

Dear Logan,

This girl at school is always up in my grill, jumping to conclusions and accusing me of everything, without any hard proof. And I'm talking big stuff, like murder, and the Journalism Class bus crash. Whenever I ask her for help, she plays stupid head games, like she's entertaining herself at my expense. She's working my last nerve! How do I get her off my back?

-- Fed Up Jumping Through Hoops

Dear Fed Up,

I completely sympathize with your situation, having been in a similar one myself, with a certain paranoid, unsympathetic female who believes the entire universe spins on her butt. We've all heard the saying "Women are from Venus, and men are from Mars." Some women are definitely from Mars.

My advice to you is to ignore her as best you can, and comfort yourself with the thought that she will eventually alienate everyone who ever gave a damn about her. She'll end up alone in her ghetto one-bedroom apartment, a wizened old crone counting her stacks of money, until she's visited by three spirits on Christmas Eve who show her the error of her ways. And then when she comes by your mansion with the biggest turkey at the butcher shop, you can have the pleasure of slamming the door in her face.

-- Logan

Dear Logan,

I like K. a lot. B. totally likes me. I think B. is cool. I think K. is cooler. I fear it will all blow up in my face, and I will be left hurting one or both of them, and being hurt myself. A guy friend of mine thinks that what I should say to K. (as a girl did this to him once, and he thought it was dead sexy) is simply, "Are you interested in me?" Get it out in the open. He says yes, rockin'. He says no... well, then, at least I know. What do you think I should do?

-- Confused

Dear Confused,

You and me both! I'm not even sure of the genders, so I'm just gonna imagine you're you and K. and B. are all Catholic schoolgirls, and that you're wearing your uniforms right now. Choice of panties versus no-panties is entirely up to you.

Your guy friend is right. Kimberly might not realize you want to have pillow fights with her and explore your Inner Goddess together. So, go for it. Also, it's not your fault that Bambi doesn't make you squee, even though you think she's cool. Although I'm willing to bet you're just making nicey-nice, and Bambi's really Sister Benedictine, a terrifying hag who enjoys smacking you with a ruler, and the fact that you think that's cool...

Hang on a second. Where was I? Oh, right. My advice is: arrange a threesome, and videotape it.

-- Logan

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

Review of Dead or Alive
Xtreme Beach Volleyball
by Dick Casablancas

So you’re sitting around at home, right, and you want to play video games, but you also want to look at hot chicks. This is the game for you, bro. How about busty girls jiggling and giggling while giving you something to do with your hands? These girls stretch and jump around in bikinis… and they do plenty of bouncing, if you catch my drift. They even knock a ball around (like that’s really the point of the game).

Sadly, the game is a kind of a tease, since you can change their outfits, but you don’t get to see any good stuff. If you’re looking for something to top the “Hot Coffee” mod in Grand Theft Auto, this ain’t it. I’m holding out hope that Dead or Alive 2 serves up something more…titillating.

Still, it’s a decent game, and it can provide enough stimulation to get you through some lonely nights.

Overall, the Dickster gives it 4 out of 5 shot glasses:

Weevil's World of Wheels
by Eli "Weevil" Navarro

Okay, boys and girls. Today we’re talkin’ about the ‘Cuda, the only cool car Plymouth ever made.

A ‘Cuda, not to be confused with its weak sister, the Barracuda, is unusual combination of power and size – kinda like me. Smaller than a muscle car, it was the first pony car, having debuted two weeks before the Mustang. In case you don’t know, a muscle car is a mid-size performance car with a big-ass engine, ususally a V-8. A pony car is smaller, with a little less umph. Think Camero and Mustang. A pony car is a muscle car only when it’s got a special package, you know, under the hood. Believe me, the ‘Cuda has one.

The 1970 ‘Cuda featured five different V8s: the 340, 383, 440, 440+6, and the almighty 426 Hemi. Its trademark is its dual, non-functional hood scoops, but if you wanted, you could get an optional, operational “shaker” scoop. It was attached directly to the engine and poked up through the hood, and it "shaked" with the engine, hence its tag.

In 1970, Plymouth built a special ‘Cuda, the AAR (All-American Racer). Unlike Ford and Chevy, who built models that only pretended to be race cars (the Boss 302 Mustang and the Camaro Z28), the AAR ‘Cuda was a limited-edition street rod made for the Trans-Am racing series but sold to anyone with the cash. It had a unique V8 with 3x2 carbs and pumped out 290 bhp. It’s special shocks and recambered rear springs raised its ass 1 3/4 inches so you could hang some massive rear tires. Bigger tires = better traction = faster. Get it? They only made about 1,500 of these beauties, so if you get your hands on one, keep it.

You don’t see many on the road, but if you watch TV, Nash Bridges drove a really rare convertible 'Cuda. I heard the Supernatural guys had one too, but I checked it out and they're currently driving a late model Impala like mine. Just last week, my friend Veronica was searching for a puke-green ‘Cuda driven by that scumbag Liam Fitzpatrick. Nice car, but one of these days, Liam’s goin’ down, no matter what kinda car he drives. If you happen to see it, holla at me, would ya.

Mac’s Technology Tips
by Cindy “Mac” Mackenzie

Dear Mac,
I've been thinking about getting a MySpace or LiveJournal. Both of these sites will let me decide how my blog will look, and I want mine to be totally sweet. Do you have any tips on how to make it into the best-looking webpage on the internet?
--Blog Beginner

Dear Blog Beginner,
There are a few basic design tips that you should keep in mind when putting together your online journal.

First, be careful in choosing your colors. Selecting colors that are too bright can hurt the eyes of people who find your blog. Also, using a text color that is too similar in shade to your background color (such as yellow on light green or navy on black) can make it difficult to read whatever words you put on your page.

One other thing to avoid at all costs is an imbedded audio file. I know it might seem like a really great idea to share your favorite song with everyone who comes to see your blog, but – trust me – nothing is more likely to get a potential new friend clicking the back button on their browser window.

Of course, the easiest way to make sure that your webpage looks great would be to hire a web designer, such as myself.

Three blogs to visit after you're done reading ours:

The Gadget Blog
Not the best design on the web, but the best info. Check out this microphone I bought last week!

Waiter Rant
Simple, clean layout + sharp and funny commentary + regular updates = one great blog.

Current TV
I can't say enough about this site: sophisticated design without being showy, fun to read, and tons of imbedded video clips.

Bonus find of the week:

The Sacks Files
If you've ever been in trouble with the law in this town, you'll know what a jewel this truly is. Thank you, Google!

Gia’s Feelings Journal
by Gia Goodman

You'll never guess what I learned this week! A little birdy told me that one of the coolest guys in school, my elusive friend mentioned in the last issue, totally keeps a feelings journal! Can you believe it?! I bet our little talk about opening up and being honest is what inspired him to start.

Anyway, it is such a relief to know that I'm not the only one! For those of you wondering just what a feelings journal is, uh, duh! It's a place to write about your feelings. I write in mine daily, just like Oprah! You should definitely give it a try.

And, hey, now that it's the cool thing to do, I can share mine with you! The rest of the Navigator staff isn't crazy about the idea - aren't they sweet to be worried about my privacy like that? I reminded them that I'm not shy about telling people what I think and I've taken their resounding "WE KNOW!" as an ok to go ahead with it.

This week I'm feeling useful and smart but also a little nervous.

A friend ran an ad looking for some information and not only did I totally figure out that it was her ad, I actually knew something she didn't! She's so smart and pretty and everyone totally goes to her for help. Only this time I was the one helping her. I even had to dredge up memories of the day of the bus crash so it wasn't easy!

Of course her ad promised a reward and I notice she hasn't given me anything yet. What's up with that? Maybe I can get her to find me a date to prom as payment? No one's asked me yet and it's making me nervous. I was dating someone but things didn't work out between us. (You know I'll share anything with you guys but I don't kiss and tell.) Anyway, I thought he was going to be my date but now I'm dateless and Prom is about a week away.

I mean, I was proud of myself for going to the Sadie Hawkins dance alone but Prom is meant to be shared. You can't go alone. That's just...lame.

So there you go, that's what I've been feeling this week. Neat, huh? What have you been feeling? Why don't you start your very own feelings journal and tell us all about it? And hey, if anyone out there needs a date to the Prom, you know where to find me!

And ladies, make sure you read Jackie and Cora's Fashion Police before you buy your dress. You don't want to end up on their Worst Dressed list!

Since our old editor fled the country with his kidnapped baby, we had to ask for a lot of help putting this issue together. Special thanks go out to babsonite, beppergirl, bennet_7, brimtoast, dark_roast, herowlness, irish_bunnie, rindee, schnappycat, raelee, silentsiren47, spadada, and wickedripeplum. Also, without an editor, we don’t get much constructive criticism on our articles, so any feedback from our readers is greatly appreciated!

Volume 1: Issue 5

2006-04-17T06:40:20Z

Madison's Celebrity Scoop
by Madison Sinclair

Chad Michael Murray is engaged

This is a sad week for girls, as Chad Michael Murray recently announced his engagement to Kenzie Dalton, an 18 year old crew member on his show. I am personally outraged by this! The girl obviously has no decency, and Chad should be able to see right through her. She is clearly using him for his money! This is exactly like the time a certain white trash girl at our very own school not only nabbed the son of a very famous, attractive movie star, but also the son of a computer genius billionaire. Some girls will just do anything for attention. The worst part of this is that everyone is too busy complaining about her age to call out her far more disgusting gold-digging habits. Who cares if she is 18? It's legal! I hope Chad realizes what he is doing before it's too late.

Katie Couric is leaving the Today Show

She is expected to fill the anchor chair at CBS Evening News, in a deal the that will also get her face time on 60 Minutes, as well as her own documentary crew, and fetch her a cool $15 million a year. "Sometimes change is a good thing," Couric told viewers. "Although it may be terrifying to get out of your comfort zone, it's very exciting to start a new chapter in your life." Well Katie, from one pep squad member to another former pep squad member, I say Congratulations and good luck! You'll be great! Just remember to smile pretty!

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty are getting married

Before the wedding though, Kate is giving him a $20,000 trip to the dentist. His teeth are really gross you guys. I saw him at Club Thin last summer, and it was horrible. But more power to him for getting a supermodel to fall in love with him despite his hygiene troubles. After the wedding, I'm sure they'll be swapping spit through other ways than trips to the dentist.

That's all for today, gossip fans! Be sure to tune in for the next installment. If you want to read about what has been going on here in Neptune, check out Carrie Bishop's column.

The Art of the Bump and Bait
By Veronica Mars

Bump and Bait - The act of leaving an unidentified object (e.g.: a cell phone, a listening device, a kick me sign, if that's what you're into) in someone's bag or on their person, by manuevering your body abruptly against theirs (the bump), and placing said object (the bait) on said bag or clothing.

Okay, people, while a bump and bait is incredibly simple in concept, it can be unbelievably tricky in execution. I see the entire scenario as being something of an art or dance. Think of the pickpockets in Oliver Twist. A pickpocket hovers around, but is not intrusive. The mark never really even notices him until he's lurching in. When he finally does go in for the 'kill', he initializes contact with a completely different part of the body than where the prize is. Say it's a pocket watch. The best way to lift a pocket watch is to jar someone on the opposite side and then slip around behind their back and let your sticky fingers do the rest. Their attention is still on the point of original contact... If you're a pickpocket. Which I'm not.

Look innocent. If you look nervous, or sneaky, people are going to be suspicious. You don't want that. You want them paying as little attention to you as possible. Being a social pariah can be helpful in this situation…

Distractions are key. If you have an accomplice, you're in business. Then your job is to confuse your mark with rapid movements or use your feminine wiles (or your big strong manly wiles) to make sure their attention stays on you and off your accomplice with the bait.

Here is an example of a successful bump and bait:

A girl at school informed me that her slimeball boyfriend was trying to blackmail her into staying with him by threatening to release a sexually explicit video he had of her on his phone. I agreed to help her, for obvious reasons. This guy had to go down. I saw the perfect oppurtunity to initiate a phone switch in the hall and urged Wallace (my very best friend) into helping me with a bump and bait.

As you can see, he readily agreed.

I was the distraction. Walking backwards, I pretended to be engrossed in recounting a juicy bit of gossip to Wallace. So engrossed that I didn't look where I was going and "accidentally" bumped into jerkwad boyfriend.

While he was busy telling me where to shove it, Wallace dropped an untraceable phone in his backpack.

Voila! Mission accomplished.

Finally, and this is important, a list of don'ts:

Don’t - panic. Even if the person you are attempting to bump-and-bait is onto you. You can usually talk your way out of these things, and if you can't… well, panicking won't help you at this point, anyway.

Don’t - bug someone unless it's for a case. With great power comes great blah-di-blah-di-blah. But seriously, folks, don't use your skills for your own personal advantage or enjoyment. The results are rarely enjoyable.

Don’t - believe everything you hear. Statements can easily be misinterpreted or heard out of context. Some follow-up investigation is always a good idea. Trust me, this one comes from painful experience.

Don’t - follow a lead blindly into what could be a dangerous situation. I'm really not the best person in the world to stress this point, but remember the old adage: Do as I say, not as I do.

And remember, people, if you are working on behalf of someone else—cash is key. Snoops don't take credit.

Ask Logan
by Logan Echolls

Dear Logan,

I have been dating this guy for several months, and I really like him. I thought he really liked me, too, but now I don't know. I can't get him to do anything more than kiss me and hold my hand, and I'm not really experienced with this sort of thing. I talked to one of my friends, and she said my boyfriend is probably just nervous about not being experienced, either.

When I mentioned this in conversation with my boyfriend, and tried to work out our issues, he broke up with me! I really want him back, but I don't know what to say, or how to tell him I really care. He's so mad at me, he won't even look at me. What do I do?

-- Brokenhearted Geek

Dear Brokenhearted,

All guys know that girls talk about them with their friends. That is the Horror of Dating. But, no guy wants you to tell him you've been dishing with the girls about how he's a crap lover. How do you think that makes him feel? Like he's not a man. Technically, he probably isn't, and there's the crux of your problem, but still -- every guy wants to feel like his girl can't live without him.

Give your boyfriend time to cool down, and if he really likes you, he'll realize he's made a mistake in breaking up with you. If he doesn't realize his mistake, then you're better off without him. Guys are all dogs; you just need to pick the one you're pretty sure you can tolerate.

In the meantime, since the breakup was your fault, make it easy for him to get you back. Act as miserable as possible. If you like him as much as you say, this shouldn't be hard. When your boyfriend sees how sorry you really are, he'll feel a lot better about himself, and that should solve both your problems.

Unless he's gay, but that's a whole different letter.

-- Logan

Dear Logan,

Here is the eternal question: why do girls always fall for bad boys, and nice guys finish last?

-- I'll Never Finish First

Dear Never,

Girls fall for bad boys because they watch too many movies. Fictional bad boys are bad because they're unhappy, and they're waiting for a woman to come along and understand their pain. Real life doesn't have Hollywood endings. Bad boys have learned an important lesson, namely that life is what you make it, and if you step on the nice guys and the nice girls alike, you'll get what you want.

Nice guys have two options. Number One, become bad boys. As is abundantly demonstrated by society, this is girly catnip. Number Two, wait. The expression "nice guys finish last" doesn't mean that nice guys never finish. It means that girls get sick and tired of getting used up by the bad boys. Stupid girls sit around and suck down Merlot with their friends and cry about bad boys, and keep dating them. Smart girls wise up, and turn into women who like nice guys.

It all depends on which type of girl you want.

-- Logan

Dear Logan,

I have a huge problem with my hair. When it's damp, it looks all fantastic, but as soon as it dries, it gets all frizzy and spazzy. I have tried every kind of product out there, but nothing helps. Now I wear it up in a bun all the time, because I'm so embarrassed. I don't know what to do. Please help!

-- Fuzzy & Frustrated

Dear Fuzzy,

First off, this column is for people with actual problems. Secondly, nothing turns a guy off faster than a girl who won't let her hair down. Literally. I don't care what Teen Vogue says: spazzy bed-head is HOT! Call me.

-- Logan

Have a question for Logan?
Send an email to editor@neptuneonline.org.

Weevil's World of Wheels
by Eli Navarro

Okay, kiddies, I'm Eli "Weevil" Navarro and, as always, I've got the 411 on wheels. Today I'm talking about one car in particular, my ride, the Chevy Impala. Now, as everybody knows, I used to roll two rather than four, but there are times when you need to stretch out, if you know what I mean. Unless you have serious money, a couple of hundred gs to burn, an American muscle car is the ultimate ride, and the Impala is the king of muscle mobiles. It's got a backseat big enough for you and your chica, and plenty of ponies under the hood, in case you gotta bounce rapido.

The Chevy Impala is often confused with the Chevy Caprice, a/k/a the Caprice Classic, but the Impala was born in the late 1950s; the Caprice was conceived in 1965 as a modified model of the Impala. The Impala and its baby brother are often considered the first muscle cars ever made. From 1960 to 1970, they were the best selling cars in America, and, in 1965, set an all-time industry sales record when more than one million rolled off the showroom floor.

The ultimate Impala is the SS (it stands for Super Sport). In 1969 the SS tag meant a V-8 big block engine with 425 horses under the hood. Driving one of these bad boys is just about the most fun you can have in the front seat. Fully loaded, the Impala can kick it with a Caddy any day and you know it's got giddy-up because, in the 70s and 80s, it was the ride of choice for 5-0 throughout the U.S. The ‘75 Impala, at 19 ½ feet, is bigger than many of today's full-size pickup trucks and piece-of-crap SUVs and boasted 454 horses and weighed about two-and-a-half tons. Guess that's why it's got all that vroom. The SS package was discontinued in 1969, but Chevrolet brought it back in 1994.

Today's Impala is still a fast machine; it comes with either a 3.5L or 3.9L V-6, or, if you really want to spend, the SS has a small block V-8 that generates 303 hp. It'll get you 18 miles in the city and 28 on the PCH, but you'll have to feed it high-test. At about 16.7 feet long, the 2006 Impala is smaller than its predecessors, but it's still bigger than most American-made vehicles in its class.

Back in the day, the Impala began life as a two-door, but once the public caught on, the powers that be made a four-door version, a convertible, and, for the family man, a wagon. They don't make the convertible any more, but if you want to go old skool, and can find one that's mint, it's the grail of Impalas. If you're a playa and, like me, live in a sunny climate like SoCal, what you really want is a sweet 1974 ragtop, tricked out with rims and a hot paint job. It's da bomb, and when you're rolling, the chicks will come running.

I'm currently rockin' an old skool, lime-green hard top. That's me and my ride in the photo. It didn't cost a lot of cabbage, gets me to class on time, and my niece, Ophelia, and my abuela like it cuz it keeps their 'dos in place and is big enough to bring home the groceries. I'm still looking for a woman to help me map the interior, so ladies, if anyone's interested, I might be available. Just call Veronica Mars and ask her to hook you up. She'll know how to find me - she always does.

Gia's guide to fitting in and making friends
by Gia Goodman

Gia’s guide to fitting in and making friends

I recently had to transfer from my old school, Country Day, and start going to Neptune High.

It’s like totally different here and I had some trouble making friends, but now it’s like totally cool and I thought I should pass on some wisdom.

Dress to impress

A great way to fit in is to dress like everyone else – except not exactly like everyone else because then you would just be copying their outfit and such unoriginality is a big fashion no-no. Like remember when Brenda and Kelly wore the same prom dress? You want to avoid awkward moments like that at all costs.

But buying from the same designers is cool.

I didn't know about the Fashion Police column in the Navigator, so I had to be sneaky about finding out how everyone else dresses at Neptune High. My Dad organized for me to go on a field trip with them but I didn’t tell them who I was! Very stealth of me I know. I should totally help Veronica out with her cases!

Be honest

Honesty is so important in a relationship. You have to talk with people if you want to form deep and lasting relationships.

Look at Seth and Summer on The O.C. He lied and lied about the comic book and she found out and then they broke up. If he’d been honest with her, that would not have happened. Learn from The O.C. people – it is a source of great knowledge.

I am all about honesty. I’m honest with everyone I meet and I hope they are with me. Like, if I make a fashion faux pas, tell me! Don’t make me suffer a day’s worth of humiliation because I accidentally wore Prada flats from last season.

Remember, all criticism can be constructive! You just have to take it the right way!

You never know where you’ll find a friend!

You can find a friend anywhere and in any person. Many people give bad first impressions so I always make sure to go back and get like eight impressions!

Often those prickly types make the coolest friends. Like there is this one guy at school, who shall remain nameless, and he totally uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism to push people way.

I make sure to say “Hi! How’s it going?” whenever I see him but he’s so scared of being hurt that he often just runs away as soon as he sees me and then hides, really, really well! But he’s like totally cool, so I’m just going to keep on trying!

So there you go! Hopefully with this advice you’ll be able to fit in and make lots of friends wherever life takes you!

Since our old editor fled the country with his kidnapped baby, we had to ask for a lot of help putting this issue together. Special thanks go out to babsonite, beppergirl, bennet_7, brimtoast, dark_roast, kaosmalek, rindee, raelee, spadada, spectralbovine, and wickedripeplum.