|Madison’s Celebrity Scoop
by Madison Sinclair
First of all, let me be the first to say, shame on you, Us Weekly. Usually I can count on you to bring me the good news, but I can not stand by and let you get away with reporting total lies. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are not getting divorced! Helllooo, just last week you guys said Nick and Jess were still going strong! Don't you guys even read your own magazine? Plus if you watched Newlyweds you'd know they're way in love and totally committed to each other. I hope the happy couple has a baby soon and sues you for slander. Won't you feel stupid then? Let this be a lesson to all reporters: don't be dopes, check your facts!
Speaking of dope, did you guys see the video of Kate Moss snorting coke? I know she used to be all grungy and gross when she first came out, but lately she has been has been modeling for Chanel and Burberry, so I expected more from her. If you haven't seen the video, check out her outfit in this photo. Is that a supermodel I see some skanky XLR8 groupie? Or maybe she is channeling Veronica from last year's Total Eclipse of the Heart dance. Not the kind of image top designers want for their products. Both companies fired her scrawny ass.
But not all Kates are having a bad week -- Katie Holmes is pregnant! Wow. Joey Potter and Jerry Maguire are having kids! Imagine what they will look like! She must be the happiest girl on the planet. That should show the naysayers. I bet Lauren Bacall is embarrassed now for accusing Tom Cruise of exploiting his private life just to sell movie tickets. (I don't know anything about her, but it is obvious to me that she has never been rich because people with money don't worry about money. They spend it!) She even had the nerve to call him a bad actor. She must be the only person in America who has not seen Top Gun. She is just mad that no one knows who she is. Hey Lauren, this isn't 1946. You're not famous. Nobody cares about "film noir" and stupid detectives.
And to prove that I am not the heartless bitch people think I am, I would like to request a moment of silence for everyone who was killed in last week's bus crash, especially our new journalism teacher, who despite bad fashion sense, had a really pretty face. At our first staff meeting for the Navigator she told me that she loved celebrity gossip and has dated famous baseball players and worked with Tyra Banks. And even though Shelly can totally handle the squad, the cheerleaders are going to miss Meg while she's out. She's really tall and great at jumps. Hopefully she'll make it back before the big homecoming game with Pan in a few weeks.
Speaking of a few weeks, that is when the next issue will be coming out, so make sure to come back in November for all the latest celebrity gossip!
|Fennel from the Gym Floor
by Wallace Fennel
Hey, everybody. I’m Wallace Fennel, reporting from tryouts for Neptune High’s men’s Varsity basketball team. Go, Pirates! For a while there, it looked like I wasn’t going to make tryouts this year, but now that Veronica Mars has cleared up the mystery of my (not) positive drug test, I’m good to go. This year’s team is shaping up to be the best Neptune High has seen in long time. Our starting center, shooting forward, 2-guard and point guard (me) are all returning seniors, so we should be a lock to win the CIF - San Diego sectional, and maybe state too.
The team was pretty good last year, we had a winning record AND we slammed our arch-rivals at Pan High. I had my best game of the season against Pan; my stat line read: 19 points, 3 rebounds, and 9 assists, and, oh yeah, a last minute save by my best friend, Veronica Mars. I wouldn’t have played in the Pan High game last year if it hadn’t been for Veronica. A week before the game, Polly the Parrot, our Pirate mascot, was kidnapped by another player and held hostage to keep me from playing. Amazing sleuth that she is, Veronica found Polly and rescued her, allowing me to unleash my killer cross-over dribble on the unsuspecting Pan High Goats. We also beat the La Jolla Vikings, the Mira Mesa Marauders, and the Scripps Ranch Falcons, but this season, we're going to dominate all the schools in the San Diego Section.
I plan to do even better this year. I’d like to average 12 points and 12 assists a game, with at least a couple more rebounds too, for good measure. I’m shooting for an athletic scholarship; my Moms can’t afford to pay for college and I figure I should step up and find a way to go on my own. I already know I’m going to be the starting point guard, but Jack, my backup last year, graduated. We’re looking for a backup point guard and either a starting or backup power forward too, since Caz Truman’s left to go to UCLA.
This year, I’m helping Coach pick the guards. Hopefully, we’ll find a smokin’ sophomore who can back me up this year, and step into the starting role next year. The point guard is the most important guy on the floor because the entire offense runs through him. I may not be real tall, but I know how to direct traffic and I’m fast enough to beat almost anyone off the dribble. So far, I’ve seen a couple of prospects who might be good enough, but we won’t really know ‘til I play ‘em. Our first real game will be in about two weeks, at the end of October, so I expect to see you all at the home opener. Until then, get out there and support the football team - Go Pirates!
|Bribe with Brownies
by Veronica Mars
I know, I know, everyone thinks I’m a badass P.I. who gets arrested from time to time and likes to hang with the leader of the local motorcycle gang, but the thing is, in order to be a really good detective, you have to be a chameleon. In other words, sometimes you have to be able to stretch yourself, go outside your comfort zone and mingle with people whose interests are, shall we say, different than yours. This is where the brownies come into play.
Take, for example, my friend Mac. Mac is a computer whiz. Give her enough time and the girl can hack into anything, including probably, the FBI’s database. Mac likes to wear flannel and dye neon streaks in her hair, and she’s a vegan. So if I need to ask Mac for a favor, I have know what to offer. Or my goofy friend Corny. Corny likes to make pottery and spark up a few, if you know what I mean. He’s completely non-threatening and, with the proper motivation, would do almost anything for me.
Okay, okay. I know what you’re thinking. Veronica, what does any of this have to do with making brownies? That, my friend, is the beauty of brownies. Everyone loves brownies! They’re chocolaty, gooey, yummy, and, if you make them properly, hardly anyone can refuse them. If you need to brown-nose a teacher because, let’s say, you missed first bell because you were in the girls room, making out with your no-good, 09er boyfriend, bring her a plate of brownies. Or say you want one of the local deputy sheriffs to do you a favor, like trace an unlisted telephone number, just drop by the station with a batch of them wrapped in foil so no one else will know, and you’ve got your unknown caller’s name.
In my experience, brownies are especially effective with men. Whoever said it was a man’s world didn’t know how easy it is to tempt them with baked goods. So, anyway, my recipe.
First, you’ll need 4 eggs at room temperature, so get them out of the fridge before doing anything else. Melt 4 ounces of unsweetened chocolate and ½ a cup of butter in the top of a double boiler. Make sure you use low heat because you don’t want the chocolate to burn, and remember to cool the mixture before adding it to the eggs. While the chocolate’s cooling, beat the 4 eggs along with a ¼ teaspoon of salt, until the eggs are light-colored and frothy. Continue beating and gradually add 2 cups of sugar and 1 teaspoon of vanilla.
Once everything’s well mixed, take the beaters out of the bowl and get a spoon. The rest of the mixing will be done by hand. Combine the cooled chocolate-butter mixture with the eggs and sugar mix - do it quickly with only a few strokes and don’t worry if it’s not evenly mixed together. Fold in 1 cup of sifted, all-purpose flour. Again, don’t worry about mixing it well. Finally, if you want, stir in 1 cup of pecan pieces. Guys like nuts – of course they do – so if you’re making this for a male friend, add ‘em in. Pour the mix into a pre-greased, 9 x 13 inch pan, and bake in a 350 ° oven for about 25 minutes. You’ll know they’re done when the brownies start to pull away from the edge of the pan or when a toothpick stuck into the center comes out clean. Let them cool before cutting.
I like to top them with mocha flavored icing because they’re so rich that chocolate frosting would be redundant. However, if research reveals that your target loves chocolate by all means, go wild and put chocolate on top. My recipe for mocha icing is almost fool-proof, although I think I know a fool or two who probably couldn’t manage it. You need 1 & ⅔ cups of powdered sugar, mixed with 2 tablespoons of cocoa. Cream ⅓ of a cup of butter and gradually add the now-chocolate powdered sugar. Add a pinch of salt and 3 tablespoons of strong, hot coffee. Beat the mixture for about 2 minutes, and, once the icing is cool, add a teaspoon of vanilla.
Let it stand for about 5 minutes, slap it on the brownies, and you’ve got yourself a tried-and-true bribe to facilitate relations with officialdom, a peace-offering for a friend who you’ve neglected or insulted, or an interrogation technique. The point is, my brownies will get you almost anything you want, including ass-slaps and high fives.
by Logan Echolls
Call me Logan. Some years ago – never mind how long precisely – having too much money in my pocket, and nothing particular to interest me on shore, I thought I would sail about a little and see the watery part of the world. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in school for one more year.
This morning in Journalism Class, I was minding my own business and very quietly taking a nap with Queequeg, when Ms. Dumass interrupted by smacking the desk beside my head with a large folder of papers, thus awakening me to Madison Sinclair repeating her assertion that I should write an advice column for the paper. Apparently, Miss Sinclair's announcement was initially greeted by an outcry of horror and disbelief from several members of the class; however, as I was at that point having a dream about Alyssa Milano doing jumping jacks on a gigantic flan, I missed it. The second time around, nothing succeeded her announcement but stony silence, eventually broken by The Editor, who commented that an advice columnist should be qualified to dispense actual advice. Dick Casablancas then cited the popular maxim that those who can't do, teach -- leading me to inquire whether that meant The Editor would be writing a Sex Tips column.
After Mr. Kane and I returned from the principal's office, Madison again insisted I was the best choice for an advice columnist, because I am a celebrity (once removed), and readers pay more attention to what a celebrity has to say, and also celebrity opinions matter more than the opinions of non-famous folks. Regardless of how often they stick their noses into other people's business, and turf their faithful, long-suffering boyfriends for reasons which they have no doubt convinced themselves are valid, but which are nonetheless patently ridiculous, and nothing but thinly-veiled excuses to fling themselves into the arms of some guy who dumped them.
Of course, being a shy, modest soul, I refused Miss Sinclair's nomination. Ms. Dumass informed me that as I was a member of the Journalism Class, I was obliged to make a contribution to the school paper, and that keeping a seat warm didn't count. I asked if Ms. Dumass planned to contribute to The Navigator herself, perhaps following in the footsteps of her literary ancestor, and penning a swashbuckling serialized novel set in Bourbon Dynasty France; and The Editor remarked that if anybody was qualified to write a novel about Bourbons, it was Yours Truly; whereupon I replied that I was not addressing him and perhaps he ought to shut his cakehole.
After Mr. Kane and I returned from the principal's office -- where I got detention, and he got a slap on the wrist -- I accepted this assignment, under duress. And it is from this after school paradise that I, your Advice Guru, offer myself to you.
The Editor is correct that I have very little common sense, thus I plan to research my advice by relying on a multi-pronged program of arcane divination methods, including but not limited to: weather omens, the entrails of small animals, bibliomancy (opening a book and consulting a random passage, most likely the only occasion when I will actually open a book this year); scrying, reading tea leaves and/or coffee grounds; automatic writing; and scatomancy, a form of augury where you look at poop -- and no, I didn't make that up; it was in Wikipedia. Also, I'm planning to construct my own Ouija board. Should I become possessed by a demon, I doubt anyone will notice a difference, and in fact there may even be an improvement.
Kindly direct your letters to Logan, care of The Neptune Navigator Online, and may the Force be with you.
If you’re that desperate for advice?
Send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org.
|Weevil’s World of Wheels
by Eli “Weevil” Navarro
Okay, boys and girls. I’m Weevil. Today we’re talking about bikes, and whether you got what it takes to ride one. Now if you’re a female, you can skip this part, cuz nothin’ I’m gonna say pertains to you. In fact, you might wanna just look at the pretty pictures, cuz you’re probably never gonna own a bike, and you sure-as-hell ain’t gonna understand, although, there's one sister, Veronica Mars, who might have what it takes to ride one. She's a little freaky, though, and I haven't made up my mind yet.
My ride is a sweet, American-made, sliver over graphite Victory Vegas, but before I tell you about it, I need to set you straight on a few things. I’m not trying to hurt anyone’s feelings here, but having a bike isn’t a political proclamation, and it’s not a fashion statement. Owning a bike is about being a man. And freedom - the freedom to go where you want, when you want, without having to ask permission or take any crap from anyone. Oh yeah, one more thing - the ladies love ‘em. I ain’t lying, when your chica climbs on behind you and you take a ride down the PCH, she’s gonna go ooh and aah. And afterward, she’s gonna be in the mood to show her appreciation, if you know what I mean.
When most folks think of bikes made in the USA, they think Harley, but for about 25 years, Victory motorcycles have been made in this country by Polaris, a company that also makes snowmobiles, jet skis, and ATVs. Believe me when I tell you they know what they’re doing. My Vegas has a 100 cubic inch, V-twin engine and a six-speed overdrive transmission. It’s stealthy quiet but with plenty of power, and although she purrs happily on the highway at lower rmps than most bikes, she’s got real get-up-and-go when I need to fly.
In addition to its power and performance, the Vegas just looks like a bike should. Each of the twin engine chambers is balanced at 50 degrees off center, giving the bike a different look. It’s got long, low, stretched-out lines which are enhanced by its scalloped gas tank and tail light, which is mounted flushed to the rear fender. Hell, even a rich, white, 09er geek would look good on this bike, at least while it’s standing still.
This brings me to my final point. A bike’s not a toy, and it’s not made to park and admire. If you’re gonna get one, you gotta get real. Learn how to ride properly, and remember, boots and leather aren’t just for looks, they may save your life one day, or at least your skin. My skin, of course,is covered in thousands of dollars worth of ink and scars would screw up the art. If you're a little sissy, or if you think you can't handle real power between your legs, be real and get something you can manage. Something by Nissan maybe. In a nice obnoxious shade of yellow. Later.
to Gia Goodman
Greetings Neptune High! I just realized that I haven’t really introduced myself to everyone and how rude is that? I mean, I’ve met everyone in my classes, but I know there are a lot of other people who would love to be friends with me if I introduced myself. I’m sure many of you are asking why someone would want to change schools before senior year unless they were totally unpopular at their old school, right? Well, I want to assure you, I had like a million friends at Country Day, but since my Dad is running for Mayor of Neptune, he thought it was really important that I attend the public high school here.
I thought we had a lot of scandals at Country Day what with Mimi Schiffler’s mom getting caught making out with their gardener and Jennifer Kidman being arrested for drug possession but Neptune High definitely seems to be a hotbed of drama and scandal. It’s almost like watching The O.C.! For instance, is there anyone on this planet who hasn’t heard about the murder of Lilly Kane? She was on the front page of the National Enquirer for weeks!
Lilly definitely was pretty enough and tragic enough to be on The O.C. She seemed fabulous overall, but I don’t know why someone would want to make out with an old guy, even if he is a movie star. Movie stars from the 80’s are great in movies but in real life they’re just old, and I can’t imagine making out with an old guy! I did watch that one episode of Tinseltown Diaries, and Aaron Echolls looked so happy in all his wedding pictures. It’s such a tragedy what happened to his wife, but if my famous husband kept cheating on me, I’d probably feel like throwing myself off a bridge too, because everyone at the country club would be gossiping about me. I tried to get Logan to share with me because I think sharing your personal tragedies with your friends helps you deal with your emotions and feel better in general, but it almost seems like he’s avoiding me.
Getting back to the subject of introducing myself, the biggest drama that happened to me lately was the bus crash. My Dad arranged the field trip so I could meet some of the other students at Neptune High; who would have guessed the driver wanted to kill himself and was fine with killing the rest of the kids on the bus, along with our journalism teacher? It’s a good thing Cassidy Casablancas mentioned to his brother, Dick, that he wished we didn’t have to take the bus home or the entire journalism class would be dead right now! The bus totally smelled like something died on it, and I told my Dad that it was probably a message from the Beyond trying to warn us that the bus driver was psycho. I’m just glad to be alive, although I feel bad that those other kids and our journalism teacher died.
When my Dad told me he wanted me to attend Neptune High I was really bummed because I mean like, who wants to go to public school, right? I admit I cried at first, but then my Dad explained that public schools are funded by property taxes, and since there are so many millionaires in Neptune, Neptune High has all the same cool things that Country Day had. He also said that the daughter of the ambassador to Belgium goes here, and I already knew Duncan Kane went to Neptune High and his parents are billionaires! I decided if those kids go here, it’s got to be a pretty cool school, so that’s when I got on board with my Dad’s idea.
Btw, in case you’re old enough to vote, you really should vote for my Dad to become Mayor because he’s a pretty cool guy, even if he did ask me to change high schools right before my senior year. He even coaches a little league baseball team because he likes being around kids. How cool is that? Most adults in this day and age don’t spend any time with their kids, so I think that it’s great that my Dad is willing to spend time with other people’s children and not just his own.
I’ve already joined the journalism class, as you may have realized, but I’m really hoping I can join the broadcasting class too, although it’s full right now. Wouldn’t it be the greatest if you could see me on television? I wonder if there’s an opening in the class now that Meg Manning is in a coma? Who knows when she’ll wake up, and while it’s definitely sad, I wouldn’t think they would hold her spot in class since it’s not like she can attend. I also joined FBLA, and although I don’t really understand what they’re talking about, there are several cute guys in it and they seem to do a lot of fundraisers like my pep squad used to do, so it’s probably not that different.
I wanted to write a little bit about myself because I think it’s really important to be honest with people if you want to be friends with them and I’m really really hoping I can make lots of friends at Neptune High. Like I said before, I had a ton of friends at Country Day,and not just guy friends. I had a ton of girl friends too. Just to clarify, I don’t mean ‘girlfriend’ girl friends, not that there’s anything wrong with being gay, but I’m not, just so you know. My friends at Country Day have described me as ‘pretty’ and really funny, and they said I’m a great friend!
I almost forgot to mention I'm also a really good singer and I love to karaoke! They perform karoake on Tuesday nights down at Java the Hut, and I may write a review of the performers. There seem to be some really good performers, and then there are people like that guy in broadcasting class who just wants to try and impress his girlfriend but isn’t very good. I just know I’ll meet a lot of cool people this year and even though the school year started out tragically I'm sure it will get better! I already like almost everyone in my journalism class. As a side note, I also have a blog on My Space, so if you friend me and you seem cool, I’ll definitely ‘friend’ you back. I have like a million friends on there, so it’s a lot of fun.
To give you a hint of things to come from me, I thinking of doing a TV show review and maybe some karaoke reviews. I was going to review Supernatural because the boys on that show are super cute, but someone asked me to review Gilmore Girls since a lot of people watch that show. I know Veronica Mars and Duncan Kane watch that every Tuesday night, because I hear them talking about it, so maybe I’ll ask them to review Gilmore Girls and I can review Supernatural. I love the mother and daughter on Gilmore Girls but I don’t really get some of their jokes. Veronica thinks they’re funny, although she said she doesn’t like Logan because he can be a jerk. I’m not sure if she means Logan on Gilmore Girls or Logan that’s in our class. They’re both really cute. Anyway, you can look forward to a review from me in the next edition of the Navigator. Have a great week, my fellow Pirates!
|Sound Off: Study Tips
Moderator: Duncan Kane
You have entered room: Sound Off.
Duncan_Kane: So this year we’ll be having weekly senior student sound offs on various topics. According to Mr Clemmons it’ll help us work better as a team and allow us to represent a variety of opinions on major issues. For this week’s topic, he thought it would be helpful to share our favorite study tips with our peers.
Dick_Casablancas: Study tips – that’s where you pay someone to study for you right?
Veronica_Mars: At the end of the year Dick will be voted ‘Most likely to still be here next year when we conduct this poll.’
Logan_Echolls: While Veronica will be voted ‘Most likely to annoy the crap out of everyone at college.’
Veronica_Mars: Well you’ll be voted-
Wallace_Fennel: So! Study skills! I find that a good meal before you sit down with the books, gives you the fuel you need to get your work done.
Veronica_Mars: You believe in eating a good meal before you do anything!
Logan_Echolls: You know Maddy. It’s where you put food in your mouth and don’t follow it with your finger?
Madison_Sinclair: You’re so hilarious Logan. No wonder you have such luck with the ladies.
Dick_Casablancas: Douche chill!
Duncan_Kane: Guys the topic is waaaay over there. See? It’s waving to us.
Veronica_Mars: My advice? If you have to pinch yourself to stay awake so that you can finish an assignment, your work is probably going to suck anyway. Get a good night’s sleep so that you’re refreshed in the morning.
Duncan_Kane: Excellent advice Veronica. I like to re-write all of my class notes into notebooks. They're handy for when you have to revise.
Logan_Echolls: Re-writing notes? Way to care about the trees Dunc.
Gia_Goodman: I have a plant on my desk.
Duncan_Kane: Is there more to that story Gia?
Gia_Goodman: It’s Feng Shui. Plants can give you good vibes.
Corny: I totally like getting good vibes from plants!
Logan_Echolls: Who invited the fringe element to join the paper?
Gia_Goodman: My bangs aren’t that bad.
Madison_Sinclair: Actually on topic, I like to de-stress with Pilates. It keeps me calm and fit at the same time.
Duncan_Kane: Great advice Madison.
Madison_Sinclair: Plus, Madonna and Gwyneth both swear by it.
Duncan_Kane: So Jackie, you're new in town. You got anything we might not have heard of?
Jackie Cook: Not really, aside from the basics. You know, double spacing and increased margins.
Wallace_Fennel: Hey! Now that's something I can use.
Jackie Cook: You like that huh? Well how about this: if you need to up your word count, then remove all contractions. So 'don't' becomes 'do not', 'shouldn't' becomes 'should not'.
Wallace_Fennel: So you're not just a very pretty face?
Jackie Cook: I have many, many talents.
Wallace_Fennel: And I can't wait to find out about all of them.
Veronica_Mars: Down boy. You're making me nauseous.
Duncan_Kane: Right. Anyone else got something?
Gia_Goodman: Flash cards are really great for helping to remember those important facts.
Dick_Casablancas: I’d like to see you girls use flash cards.
Veronica_Mars: And I just threw up in my mouth.
Logan_Echolls: Ooh! How romantic!
Duncan_Kane: If you’re not going to actually contribute something Logan…
Logan_Echolls: Ok fine. In times of stress I find that bouncing a rubber ball off the walls helps me figure out problems.
Veronica_Mars: Wait – that’s what Toby does on The West Wing!
Logan_Echolls: And that’s where I got it from. That and my entire knowledge of the U.S. legal and political system. Watch TV kids – you can learn stuff.
Madison_Sinclair: I watch Fox News all the time.
Dick_Casablancas: That’s because you’re one foxy lady.
Madison_Sinclair: Dick. How many times do I have to tell you? I am not going to get back together with you!
Dick_Casablancas: Whatever Madison. So Gia, that’s like a really cool name.
Duncan_Kane: Guys please! The topic is study tips. Anyone got any final remarks?
Veronica_Mars: With hard work you can achieve anything. You just have to have a clearly defined goal.
Madison_Sinclair: Wow Veronica, that was like so inspirational.
Gia_Goodman: Oh I agree!
Madison_Sinclair: I was being sarcastic.
Logan_Echolls: This exercise is going to cause me great pain all year.
Madison_Sinclair: Are we done now?
Veronica_Mars: Yeah Madison has some sick orphans to save.
Dick_Casablancas: Ladies what have we said about fighting in the chat room?
Duncan_Kane: Yeah Dick’s right guys.
Dick_Casablancas: All fights must be conducted in person, while topless, with me there.
Veronica_Mars: Oh Dick’s right now is he?
Logan_Echolls: I have a headache.
Wallace_Fennel: What happened to Corny?
Duncan_Kane: And that was our very first sound off. Go teamwork
Special thanks go out to babsonite, bennet_7, dark_roast, rindee, rowanceleste, and spadada.